THE TEN

NOTE: This is spoiler #64 sent in by Brentage5000.

After an ESPN type cover of two giant stone tablets with the commandments written on them, we meet Jeff Reigert (Paul Rudd), who apparently lives in this dark space and is going to tell us some stories -- ten stories, in fact, since there's ten commandments and ten stories, so that works out....well, you can do math. I mean, we got here, so us doing basic math like that should be easy. Anyway, they're apparently great stories, one based around each commandment. Hopefully he'll be able to stick to them, since he's been having some problems with his wife Gretchen lately, but he doesn't want to get into that. It's just that she keeps....but he stops eventually, and we start the first story.

THOU SHALT HAVE NO OTHER GODS BEFORE ME

We begin on an airplane where a couple, Steve (Adam Brody) and Kelly (Winona Ryder) are jumping out of the plane to celebrate the engagement. Steve does the typical "WOOOO!!!! I'M CRAZY!!!" stuff, and then jumps....right before the pilot comes back with his parachute and Kelly asks, "Are you having a goof?" (Important). On the ground, Kelly is talking to a Dr. Ritchie (Ken Marino, probably not related to Dan) who says that the impact drove Steve into the ground so hard that any attempt to remove him would kill him, and he just advises them to go about their lives normally instead. Eventually, Kelly sets up one of those four-pole wedding-type tents over Steve and they start to live a life, albeit one complicated by numerous camera crews who come along until Steve gives an immortal quote -- "No, not really" -- to rookie reporter (who soon turns big time thanks to the quote) Louis LaFonda (Mather Zickel). In time, a TV show run by big time producer Fielding Barnes (Ron Silver) is built up around them, starring Steve as himself, along with merchandise, a talk show, and the usual flotilla of Hollywood, all of which proclaims that the country is worshipping Steve. However, bad news comes when a bunch of Steve wannabes jump out of a plane and all die, followed by the cancellation of all his shows. The capper is when Kelly comes to visit him one night, sees him cavorting with an eighteen year old (so she says), and flees into the arms of Louis. Five years later, we see Louis doing one of those "What happened to them?" stories on Steve, and he basically says, "I once liked Steve, but now....I just hate him."

We see Jeff talking about the last story when suddenly his wife Gretchen (Famke Janssen) is there, apparently putting together some kind of barbecue. She complains about his skin condition and he says that it's fine. They argue, and eventually she gives up and storms off, and Jeff introduces us to number two...

THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN

We see Gloria Jennings (Gretchen Mol), a librarian in NYC, practicing Spanish for her big trip to Mexico (say: May-HEE-co). Her fellow librarian Oliver (A.D. Miles) comes up and tries to ask her out, but she says no. A Spanish narrator comes up and says that Virginia 35 years old, single, and a virgin who has had one date in her life where she did, "Everything but..." She gets down to Mexico and greets an old (old like grandpa, I mean) family friend, and says in passable Spanish how glad she is to be there. In English, the guy says, "I want....fuck...your tits." Gloria blushes and says he must be trying to say something else, and the guy turns to his wife and asks her in Spanish, "Honey, how do you say 'fuck your tits' in English?" Anyway, the summer holiday is passing agreeably enough when one day while buying a mango she sees this really hot carpenter with long dark hair and dark skin (wink) staring at her (guess what the mango does). Later, we see the old man introducing Jesus (Justin Theroux) to Gloria, and after one wild night of dancing, the two hit it off, with Jesus penetrating Gloria's vagina many times (while the narrator goes, "vagina....vaaaaaagina....vaginavaginavagina.....i am the vagina man"). One day, while they are on a lake and Gloria is one day away from leaving, Jesus goes to pick Gloria a flower, walking across the water to do it (one of those shallow pools, no doubt). She sees this and finally asks if he's Jesus and is here to bring the rapture, and he says yes, but then he met her, and decided that the rapture was temporary, but love is eternal. She wilts, and after one more night of vaginavaginavagina, she goes back to new York, leaving Jesus behind. Many years later, after Gloria had ultimately married Oliver and had two small children, she saw Jesus again. They went to a diner where he says that he is still working on the rapture, but the love keeps distracting him, and Gloria goes him thinking so much of him that while having sex with Oliver that night she cries out, "Oh, Jesus!" which makes Oliver go, "Who the fuck is Jesus?"

We check in with Jeff briefly. Him and Gretchen are arguing about a girl named Liz, but he denies everything. She storms off, and he starts rattling off his skin problems, finally getting the name of that ointment he uses. Sighing, he waves his hand and number three starts up...

THOU SHALT NOT MURDER

We see Dr. Ritchie, from the first story, performing surgery on a female patient. After a couple sneezes which he doesn't bother to cover or clean up, he does a quick snip-snip and pronounces her done, having the nurse patch her up. However, we soon see the patient in a massive amount of pain, and Ritchie comes in with an x-ray showing why -- he left a pair of scissors in her abdomen as a goof (a joke). The husband is outraged, but both Ritchie and the nurse proclaim that this is just Ritchie's sense of humor. However, while they're arguing, the wife dies, and Ritchie soon finds himself in an interrogation room where he finally admits to the police that he did it as a goof, which they have trouble understanding for some reason. Fast forward to the trial, and the judge is even more unbelieving and immediately sentences him to life in prison....although the jury foreperson reminds her that they have to deliberate. Exasperated and more than a little pissed, she lets them do it, during which they find Ritchie guilty. When asked why they had to deliberate when she already said Ritchie was guilty, the foreman says that that's how the judicial system works. After some more blowing up at the foreman, we see Ritchie being shown into his jail cell where he meets his cellmate, Big Buster (Michael Mulheren). Buster proclaims Ritchie his wife and says to start sucking and punches him, but he immediately relents and says he was having a goof. Ritchie starts to laugh, and then Buster punches him again and says that the SECOND time was the goof, and he grabs Ritchie and shoves him downward.

Jeff is talking about how Gretchen has given him an ultimatum when suddenly Liz (Jessica Alba) comes up squealing, obviously delighted to see him. She is the typical perky bouncy girlfriend, and Jeff soon gets her calmed down enough to get rid of her for a little while. He then introduces number four...

THOU SHALT HONOR THY MOTHER AND THY FATHER

A white woman named Bernice (Kerri Kenney) is giving birth while her equally white husband watches. Her twin sons, Greg and Stanley, are born, with one small problem -- they're both black. Regardless, the kids are raised to love their white parents until the dad dies. As they mourn, the boys bring their chief concern about the opposing skin colors to their mom, and she admits that she used to go interview celebrities -- Denzel, Poitier, Sam jackson -- and fuck them, and one night, about nine months before they were born, she fucked.....Arnold Schwarzenegger. To top it off, a few days later, she announces that Arnold Schwarzengger is there to see them, and in comes....a fat white Arnold impersonator (Oliver Platt), who apparently does all his appearances since the real Arnold became governor. At first the boys are pretty cold to him, but they give him a chance and are soon warming up to Arnold. However, a few days later, the family is all having breakfast together when Bernice announces that she mixed up the DNA tests and her memory and that Arsenio Hall is actually their father. The boys admit that this makes sense, but Arnold gets worried, since he can't do an Arsenio Hall voice. They look at each other, worried over the prospect of losing their "father", but then Arnold admits that he can do a pretty good Eddie Murphy, and they go with that. They smile together, and as the boys rise from the table and address us on the subject of how a father can even be someone of the opposite race who impersonates the celebrity who is your real father, the story ends.

We see Jeff talking with two friends of his, Abe and Scotty, both of whom are trying to convince him to stay with either Liz or Gretchen. He tunes them out long enough to introduce the next story, which is...

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S GOODS

A man named Ray (Liev Schrieber) is having breakfast with his wife Carol (Andrea Rosen) and his son, Jakie (Charlie McDermott). He is watching the driveway of his next door neighbor, Paul (Joe Lo Truglio) where a CAT Scan machine is being delivered. Ray decides that he too is going to get a CAT scan machine, and soon the two neighbors have houses filled with CAT scan machines against which they trip and hit just to get to the front door and families that have moved out of the house. One day, Paul, in an effort to make some peace, takes Ray out drinking. They lock the doors leaving all the CAT machines inside, and go out to the bar. Meanwhile, at the nuclear power plant, the lawyer who lost when defending Ritchie is now working as a tour guide there. Just as he finishes assuring a real Smart Ass Kid (Zach Page, known as SAK) that nothing can possibly go wrong (and this is Jakie's class, by the way), everything goes wrong and a meltdown occurs. As everyone is panicking, Jakie yells to the teacher, Gretchen (!!!) that there's a bunch of CAT Scan machines that could help, and sure enough, all the kids are soon at those two houses. However, since both guys are out drinking, the kids can't get to the machines, and within an hour all but SAK are dead, since he actually stayed where he was and didn't get exposed. Meanwhile, Ray and Paul are both at the bar when a breaking news bulletin comes on reporting on the deaths outside their houses. They look at each other, and then proceed to get even more drunk.

Gretchen and Jake are fighting again, and they're nearing the breaking point. Gretchen tells Jeff to stop before he says something he'll regret, and after some hemming and hawing, he tells her to go fly a kite. She recoils as if she's been slapped and runs off, and Jeff turns to the camera, shrugs, and we zoom in on....

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE

We open on Dr. Richie in the prison exercise yard. He gets approached by a guy named Duane (Rob Corddry) who apparently just transferred over from Leavenworth. They get to talking, and they seem to be connecting very well, as if they were meant to be together. However, the problem arises when Richie says that he is still being raped nightly by Buster, and he doesn't want to endanger that. Duane brushes him off, and the two keep talking, and Richie ultimately agrees to spot Duane on the weights. This goes on for a while, and eventually they get close enough for Duane to confess that he wants to be the one raping Richie up the ass every night. Richie confesses that he wants that too, but since he's with Buster, it just can't be -- otherwise, Buster might kill them both. Duane nods his head and walks off and Richie says that he can still spot Duane, but that's not good enough anymore. Duane tries to head inside, but is stopped by Guard Saivon (Michael Ian Black), who clocks him with his stick. That night, Richie is in his cell and assuming the position when he says those four words every man hates to hear to Buster -- "We need to talk." They sit on Buster's bunk, and Buster confesses that he isn't getting anything out of their relationship anymore either, even when he punches Richie's jaw. Buster smiles and says that so long as Richie is getting ass raped every night, he'll be fine. Richie thanks him and soon enough, he's at Duane's cell, being let in. As the screams of anal penetration begin to permeate the walls, Guard Saivon stops his rounds momentarily and begins to recite the king's epilogue from Shakespeare's 'All's well that ends well," which I put in below.

"The king's a beggar, now the play is done:
All is well ended, if this suit be won,
That you express content; which we will pay,
With strife to please you, day exceeding day:
Ours be your patience then, and yours our parts;
Your gentle hands lend us, and take our hearts."

He smiles at us and turns around, calling for lights out as he does.

Jeff comes into his void and hangs up his coat and hat. Suddenly, Liz pops up saying that she (a) has had about half a dozen shots of tequila and (b) wants Jeff to buy her a pony. She lets go and runs off chanting happily about ponies and Jeff sighs and says that he and Gretchen broke up, and that Liz is now living in the void with him. Despite his words, he obviously misses Gretchen a lot. Regardless, we zoom in on the story for....

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

We see Kelly and Louis (from story one) driving through the heartland on their wedding night. They stop at a roadside motel and go into a bar to see the show, which consists of a guy named Harlan Swallow (Michael Ziegfeld) and his dummy Gary (himself). During the show, Gary makes a few lascivious comments towards Kelly, and she is VERY flattered and after the show she insists on going backstage to see Gary like he asked her too, despite Louis pointing out that Gary is a wooden dummy. Harlan opens the door and soon has Gary out, and kelly is immediately asking if he wants that blow job or if he'd rather do her first. Harlan and Louis shift uncomfortably, but Kelly keeps asking Gary questions and has to be dragged away by Louis. Later, a disgruntled Kelly leaves an even-more-disgruntled Louis (still a virgin!) lying in bed while she goes out for a walk....to Harlan's car, which she steals Gary out of. They have a few drinks and despite Gary's wooden personality are really getting along, and the evening culminates with a night long orgy of Kelly and Gary having sex, keeping Louis up all night long (and I am sad to say this is the second time I've written about puppet sex...see TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE for the other). Meanwhile, Harlan has called the police and is trying to report the theft of Gary, but their only reply is, "Wow...you should call the cops." Back with Louis, we find him finally breaking into the room next door only to find Gary and Kelly in the middle of....well, you know. He throws Gary up against the wall and starts threatening him, but is interrupted by the arrival of Harlan, who starts doing the same thing as Louis moves onto Kelly. Finally, after long talks by both couples, all agree to split up, and Kelly and Gary drive off into the sunset, ready to begin their new lives together.

We see Jeff pacing outside a door (Apartment 10) and trying to get up the courage to knock. Finally, he does, and Gretchen answers, surprised to see him. He says that he was in the neighborhood and needed to take a shit, and asks if he can borrow her toilet really quick. They get interrupted by the appearance of Jim, a reporter who had been covering Steve's story. He makes some awkward attempts at conversation, but then leaves. Gretchen asks about Jill, but soon closes the door, although obviously not really wanting too, and we zoom in on....

THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THY NEIGHBOR

We open on Harlan, from the last story, living in some kind of flophouse. He has taken up smoking and this one guy tosses him a bag of something called Lying Rhino. He asks why it's called that, and the least-addled (not that that's saying much, of course) guy starts telling him the story in full cartoon mode. See, the rhino was apparently a normal, decent rhino. After he got out of high school, he ran into hard times, drifting from shifty job to shifty job, until he got fired by a bee that was running a strip club he was working at as a stripper. Disgusted with the bee, he turned around and pooped in front of him, and from that poop sprang a nice daisy (he did this to all his ex-bosses). Anyway, one day he was at a party in California somewhere when he saw the bee there. Wanting revenge, he turned to the girl next to him and said that the bee was a white supremacist. The girl told the black militant sitting next to her, and soon enough, the bee was cream cheese, which then got pooped on again by the rhino. Soon the rhino was being seen as the premiere source of gossip in town and was riding high on the positive energy until the militant and some others found out that all his stories were lies and beat him up bad, possibly taking a few limbs with them. A couple weeks later, the rhino was walking through a park when he overheard four wiener dogs planning to shoot themselves up with an STD they were immune to and spread it to everyone via a massive orgy. The rhino ran to everyone and tried to warn them, but they didn't believe him and were soon dead. We cut back to Harlan and he asks what this has to do with why the drug is called Lying Rhino, and the druggie says that it's called that because after everyone died, the rhino got so depressed that he could only get a job as a drug man and he is the one that delivers this excellent shit to them every Tuesday. Sure enough, the rhino -- albeit a human dressed in the rhino's clothes -- comes in and gives them the stuff. As he's leaving, he stops and poops on the threshold, and a magical daisy springs up out of it, proving that the story was true after all.

We see Jeff being shown around a new void (still black, and pretty much identical) by who we can assume to be the manager. Jeff says that he'll take it, then asks if he knows the manager, and the manager confesses that it's because he looks just like Timothy Dalton (he doesn't). Jeff nods and we go on to commandment number nine...

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY

We see Jeff walking down the street twirling his keychain. He hails a taxi, but then sees Gretchen hailing the same cab. They talk, and although they both dumped their former partners, we find out that Jeff has since married Dianne Wiest in addition to buying a new void. Gretchen smiles and says that she's happy for them, especially in light of her success with "Bullets Over Broadway". Jeff apologizes to her about telling her to go fly a kite, since he knows how hard it was for her to be around kites after that accident with one that killed her brother. He also confesses that he's not really happy, and they kiss, but quickly break apart, saying they shouldn't do that with him being married. He tells her to hang on, and breaks up with Dianne over the phone, saying that his lawyer will send the paperwork over. They say goodbye, and he hangs up and goes back to making out with Gretchen in the middle of the street.

THOU SHALT HONOR THY SABBATH DAY AND KEEP IT HOLY

We see Gloria (remember her?) getting ready for church with her kids as Oliver apologizes for being too sick to go. As soon as they leave though, he is up out of bed and wandering downstairs. He pauses at the bottom of the stairs and gets a look on his face, and takes off his bathrobe, and we next see him and his friend Jerry in a backyard barbecue where Oliver is explaining how free he felt and how he already has next week's illness lined up (gangrene). He invites Jerry over so they can be naked together, and Jerry reluctantly agrees, although he comes next Sunday (week 2) with clothes on. They put on a Roberta Flack CD to help loosen up, and over the next year more and more men are coming over each Sunday to relax, eat chips, be naked, and listen to Roberta Flack. One Sunday, the phone starts ringing unexpectedly, and Oliver picks it up to hear the minister warning him that church ended early and his family is on his way home RIGHT NOW!!!!! Quickly the men all move to pick up as much as they can while Oliver scrambles for clothing. The car pulls up, Gloria and the kids come in, and...they see Oliver standing there in a bathrobe. Her suspicion is immediately on full alert, and reluctantly the other men come out and Oliver disrobes (pun intended). She starts yelling at him that he better have a good explanation, and Oliver and the men immediately break into a hilarious song-and-dance explanation about how this is honoring the lord and how nothing is "Written In Stone" which then segues into an over-the-top rock number taking place in the void with all the main characters from all the stories performing, including Jesus doing a killer guitar solo and the rhino on keytar as the audience cheers and we fade to black.