NOTE: This is spoiler #65 sent in by Brentage5000 who says..."Funniest movie I've seen all year. I never went more than a minute without laughing, and that includes the end credits."
After a retro seventies opening sequence, we see high schooler Seth (Jonah Hill) on his way to pick up his best friend Evan (Michael Cena). They talk over their cell phones about some porn websites Seth has found/thought up, but Evan isn't interested. After Evan's hot mom expresses condolence to Seth for his not getting into Dartmouth, the two drive to school and after Seth parks in the staff lot (which Evan advises against), they walk down the street to a nearby convenience store for some energy drinks while Evan complains that with graduation two weeks away, they are both on their last chance to get girlfriends and sex. As they leave, they are stopped by three jocks from the school who let them know that there's a grad party going on at their place, and the boys are not invited, as evidenced by the ball of spit that lands on Seth's Lenny Kravitz t-shirt.
Once they're at school, Seth heads over to his gym class while Evan makes eyes at cute girl Becca (Martha MacIsaac), although when she looks up he looks away, and when they talk after class, he can barely make a coherent and interesting sentence, although he does manage to turn his tale of a nothing Saturday night into something interesting. Later, in home ec, we see Seth paired up with hot girl Jules (Emma Stone) after a loud argument against home ec, and they seem to work well together, at least until Seth and Evan's crude dork friend Fogell (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) comes in with the exciting tale of how he was walking after uber-chick Nicola (Aviva) and stoically....gave her the time when she didn't ask for it. The bell rings, and while Fogell goes to pick his fake ID from a so-called expert, Evan and Seth go to lunch. Evan asks Seth why Seth hates Becca, and Seth reluctantly admits that when he was younger, he was obsessed with drawing penises, and Becca found out and told the principal and after a priest performed an exorcism on him, his parents forbade him from eating any food even vaguely shaped like a penis. A little while later, we see the two boys talking to their separate girls, and before they know it, they've each been charged with getting the alcohol for a party at Jules' house that night. When they go to find Fogle and get him in on it, though, they find the one major hitch -- that Fogell's ID looks more fake than one made by a ten year old, especially with his name of "McLovin" ("It doesn't even have a first name, it just says McLovin!" cries Seth) . Regardless, the boys accept it as their best bet and go home to get ready.
A few hours later, the trio is gathered in front of Wal-Mart, where Fogell works, and arguing about who should go in with the money Jules gave Seth for the booze. Eventually, Evan goes in and after checking out the security guard, heads over to the booze. He picks out about twelve bottles, goes to the checkout, shares a laugh with the cashier....and then wakes up. He looks at the bottles and sees an old lady next to him. She drops her purse. He helps her with it, and she offers to buy his beer for him. He tells her to enjoy her remaining years while she tells him to enjoy fucking Jules, and....he wakes up again. The lady walks off, and he picks up a bottle when he hears the guards gun cock. He gets told to drop it but refuses, and after a brief fight he gets his throat cut, only to wake up again and run outside with nothing. Deterred but not defeated, they head to a simpler liquor store. This time Fogell is drafted to go in while Evan and Seth wait, but he freaks before he even sets foot inside. Fortunately, things go surprisingly well for him, even with the crappy ID, until a robber punches him out and steals the money from the till (not the booze, though -- thank god). The boys come back from around the corner just in time to see two cops pull up, and they panic and run into the street, where Seth gets hit by a guy backing up. The guy freaks and in exchange for them not going to the cops promises to take them to a party where they can get a ton of booze. Meanwhile, the two officers, Officer Slater (Bill Hader) and Officer Michaels (Seth Rogen) are filling out a crime scene report. They finish with Mindy the Clerk and turn to "McLovin" to get his angle, apparently accepting his license as legit. After a surprisingly easy interview, they offer to take Fogell to the party, and he accepts.
Now things get crazy, so we'll split up into two parts for a little bit. First....
As Michaels and Slater are taking Fogell to the party, they get sidetracked by a call of a homeless guy kicking up a ruckus at a local bar the two frequent. They take their new pal along as backup and go into the bar. The old guy gets past the cops and uses Fogell as a shield, but ends up slipping on some spilled grease and knocking himself out. The two cops congratulate McLovin on knocking the guy out ("That is bonafide bad-ass!") and celebrate by getting the little guy as drunk as possible while watching the security tape from the liquor store before another call takes them to a party that Seth and Evan have gotten to (more on that later). After breaking that up and getting a few beers from it (in addition to the ones Fogell brought earlier and the thirteen they got from the bar), they then proceed to get even more pissed, at one point stopping for a shoot-out with a stop sign as the target. Unfortunately, another call puts a damper on their plan, especially when they end up hitting someone on their way there, namely....
SETH (and Evan)
Meanwhile (going back in time a little bit), Seth and Evan have been taken to the driver's party, which is apparently being run by a friend of his. They go inside, but as Seth tries to carry a fifty-pound beer bucket out of the house, the host comes back and starts whaling on the driver. As Seth heads back inside to continue his search for beer and/or sex (remember: his plan is to get beer and get Jules drunk....and possibly Becca too, if only for Evan's sake), Evan gets a call from Becca, although the crappy reception results in Becca only hearing the worst possible words (bitch, cunt, motherfucking piece of shit -- all heard out of context, of course). Disgusted with the phone and wondering where Seth (who at this point has both danced with a hot chick and gotten her period blood on him) is, Evan heads inside and wanders into an empty room. He calls Becca back and reassures her that he, Evan, and the booze are all on the way just as a bunch of druggies enter the room. Thinking he's someone's singing prodigy little brother, they make Evan start singing some slow tunes (which he is pretty good at). As this is going on, Seth has gotten downstairs and discovered two giant bottles of detergent and a ton of beer, which he immediately switches around (pausing to clean his pants, of course). Seth heads back up with the "detergent", but is confronted by the host, who happens to be engaged to the girl Seth got bled on by. After some confusion, everyone but our heroes are fighting, and the boys bolt just as Michaels and Slater show up. They hop a fence or two and come out on an empty street, where Seth is mad enough to really let loose against Evan about how upset he is that Fogle and Evan are both going to Dartmouth, even though they've been friends forever. Evan in turn accuses Seth of holding him back and keeping him from getting laid by always hanging around him, and Evan steps off the curb and into the street...and into the path of Michaels and Slaters' car.
For a moment, none of the involved parties move. Finally Michaels convinces Slater to check on them, during which time Michaels shares a cigarette with Fogell (who doesn't know that it's his friends outside) and tells him that he's just gonna fill out a report saying the guy (Evan) just jumped out in front of the car and they had no time to move, which Fogell agrees with. He and Michaels get out, and as soon as Seth and Evan -- who by now are on the ground and being yelled at needlessly (even according to Michaels) by Slater -- see the drunk, disgruntled, and drugged-up Fogell, they make a break for it in opposite directions, with Evan pausing only long enough to pick up one of the detergent bottles (the other broke open, letting Slater realize there was beer inside). Fogell runs off too, and eventually the three hook up on a side street and after a brief argument get on a bus which already has the homeless guy from before on it. He tries to grab one of the liquor bottles -- naturally, the one becca had specifically asked Evan for -- and breaks it, forcing all four of them to get off the bus, although the main trio is now only three blocks from the party. All seems well....until Fogell lets slip that he and Evan will be roomies next year, which Evan hadn't told Seth, which pisses Seth off all over again, causing him to stalk off towards the party alone, where he and the liquor are greeted with much cheer.
With all three boys now at the party, they are free to locate their respective girls. One of Becca's friends finds Evan and tells him that if he gets drunk REALLY quick, he can have sex with Becca (who's already long past drunk o'clock), he can have sex with her and still be ethically good. Fogell locates Nicola and starts dancing with her while she's under the impression that he really is a 25 year-old organ donor from Hawaii (he showed the fake license to her). Seth locates Jules and shows all the liquor he's obtained, earning a hearty toast from all around him. Evan exits the bathroom having downed five shots and a bottle of schnapps and wanders over to Becca, who literally drags him to an upstairs bedroom as Nicola does the same to Fogell, albeit gentler. Unfortunately for Evan, though, his sexual awakening is cut off by Becca puking on the bed, barely missing his head, so he leaves her there and finds her friend for her instead (thank you, thank you...). Meanwhile, Seth is outside and he drunkenly kisses a sober Jules, who informs him that she's not drunk and never will be -- she doesn't drink, thus putting the ultimate damper on his plans. He gets teary, saying that he has blown it, and she starts to comfort him and say that if they were both sober they could have sex -- until he leans forward again and gives her a black eye with his head, destroying his chances utterly. Finally, the cops show up in the form of Michaels and Slater, and everyone runs off, with Seth carrying Evan out the back door and down the street.
Meanwhile, Fogell is well into sex (he tells Nicola, "I got a boner.") when Michaels and Slater burst in (having had a few beers that were left downstairs). Slater starts yelling at him about underage rape, but Michaels calms Slater down, then admits to Fogell that they've known all along that Fogell was a minor -- they just wanted to recapture their youth and party a little bit. They hug and makeup (with Fogell wearing only a bedsheet), and then make it up to Fogell by "arresting" him publicly, thus guaranteeing him pussy for the rest of his life, according to Slater. As they drive off to cap the night by blowing their police car up and blaming it on crackheads who stole it (not worrying about the question of how they'll get home), we see Seth and Evan coming to terms with everything that's happened and Seth admitting that he already knew that Evan was rooming with Fogell at Dartmouth -- he was just majorly jealous. With that done, the two lay down next to each other in Evan's basement in their respective sleeping bags and admit that they love each other, leading to an awkward next morning, although their clothes are both on, so that's something. The two are later at the mall shopping for clothes for Seth and a comforter for Evan when they run into Becca (there for a comforter also) and Jules (there for blush to hide her black eye). After much apologizing, Seth offers to go makeup shopping with Jules, since he got some last year to hide his acne and got pretty good at understanding it. Meanwhile, Becca and Evan decide that they'll get a bite to eat and then go comforter-shopping together. The two couples split, but as Jules and Seth ride the escalator down, Seth casts one love-filled look back at Evan, who waves bye before heading off with Becca...
(yeah, it is)
As the credits roll, we are treated to a montage of drawings by Seth of scenes from various movies (Titanic, Alien, and Saving Private Ryan among them) with penises replacing all the main characters, along with just random penis drawings of various situations (penis dinosaurs, penises going to work on the highway, the penis of liberty....).