STRANGE WILDERNESS

NOTE: This fantastic spoiler was sent in by Tori who says..."It was a decent movie, some parts were pretty funny"

The movie starts out with Peter Gaulke (Steve Zahn) sitting on his couch watching old episodes of "Strange Wilderness", which was originally hosted by his father (don't think they ever said his name). He's smoking a joint and talking on the phone to someone (they never specify who he's talking to) about the show and how great his dad was at hosting it. When his dad passed away, he took over the show but things went wrong... He says that a big part of it was because of all the dope he smoked back then, but that he's completely clean now.. -heehee...-

 -flashback-

We now see Peter in the woods trying to film a documentary about brown bears. His elderly camera guy, Milas (Ernest Borgnine) has brought along his nephew, Junior (Justin Long) who's sitting on a nearby rock smoking a bong. The sound guy, Allen, says that he keeps picking up this underwater bubbling sound. Milas tells Junior to put down the damn bong, and Allen says that whatever the sound was has stopped, and that he's good to go whenever Peter is ready. Peter asks where the script is, and someone hands him a bar napkin with some stupid "facts" about bears; including but not limited to that bears got their name from a sports team in Chicago, and that bears kill about two million salmon each year, but that their are far fewer deaths by salmon on bear each year. The latter is chosen because "that one's gotta be true, right?" They start filming, but that mysterious bubbling sound keeps interrupting and then a curious fog starts to roll in... (lots of weed jokes in this scene.) A helicopter shows up overhead and the park ranger inside says that they need a permit to shoot there and that Smokey the Bear says that "it's fire season so put out the damn bong!" before flying away...

Back in their recording studio, Peter is adding voice overs to what footage they have, but gets interrupted by their secretary who tells him that he's 20 minutes late to his meeting with Ed Lawson, the show's tv channel executive or something. When he and Allen walk into the offices for the channel, they run into Sky Pierson (Harry Hamlin) and his crew. Sky is the host from a competitive wildlife show; he's handsome, had a huge budget to work with, and his show has fantastic ratings. Sky makes a snide remark to Peter about how the channel is kissing his ass to get him on their channel... he laughs and he and his crew leave. Peter and Allen go in to see Ed, who tells them that their show's ratings have plummeted since he took over the show. Peter says that when his father was running the show, that he has a 7 o' clock slot, and that now he's on at 3am. Ed then pulls up clips from the show since Peter took over, and we see that there's probably a good reason why he's on at 3am now. Ed tells him that if he doesn't do something soon, that he's going to have to let Peter go.

Next we see Peter at a meeting with his entire crew, trying to figure out how to save the show. Peter tries to get Junior's attention when he notices that he's not really paying attention, but his eyes appear to be open. Milas shakes his nephew awake; apparently Junior was smoking a lot of weed (he stops, covers his uncles ears and repeats in a whisper "so I was smoking alot of weed..." uncovers his ears) and had gotten the idea to have eyes tattooed on his eyelids so that he would look awake when he was really sleeping. Everyone just kind of shakes their head at this, and in walks Peter's secretary, who says that Bill Calhoun was there to talk to Peter. Bill was an old friend of Peter's dad, and used to work on the show with him. Apparently, Bill had found Bigfoot's whereabouts, and had pictures of him to prove it. He tells Peter that he has a map showing how to get there, and he'd love to give it to him, but that Sky Pierson had already offered him $1000 for it. If Peter could match his offer though, he'd give it to him instead. Peter's pretty strapped for cash, and Bill understands, but says that he really needs the money now. Peter says he'd find a way to come up with the money, and that he'd be by his cabin later in the week to pick it up.

Peter goes to tell his crew the good news, that he's found a way to save Strange Wilderness. Everyone's excited, but Milas, who was the original camera guy from when his father ran the show, said he'd have to sit this one out; but that his nephew could handle it.

Peter decides he needs an animal handler for this trip (which would take them down to South America) so they hold interviews. The first interviewee is a guy named Whitaker, who says that he doesn't have any previous experience as an animal handler.. but that he was 7 years of experience working as a mechanic, so he thinks he could probably handle it... They decide to pass on him, and have several more interviews (all of which tell them that they must be crazy for what they're doing, and pass on the job.) In the end, they hire Whitaker.

We then see them getting their RV ready for their road trip south, and meet Cheryl (Ashley Scott), their travel agent/planner. She gets them up to speed on the trip layout; it turns out she'll be along for the ride. They go to get on the RV, and see most of their bags and such lying on the ground still. Peter asks Cooker, (chubby, curly haired guy, part of the crew.. he's been there all along, but until now hasn't played an important roll.) why he hasn't loaded the stuff onto the RV yet. Cooker makes a stupid joke about how he already did load the stuff.. ooohhh.. THAT stuff... etc,.. (Stupid jokes, pranks etc are all Cooker really contributes to this movie.) They then all get on board the RV, and drive off.. leaving the pile of important looking luggage on the ground. (This never really plays into the movie, just a dumb joke they threw in, I think.)

On the way to Bill's cabin, they decide to do some shooting for the show. They pass a beach with a bunch of sea lions, and decide to start there. They get out, and Peter starts to tell Danny (another member of the crew, been there the whole time, etc etc..) to put his seal suit on, Danny comes out of the RV, already wearing the seal suit (which is literally, a big fuzzy suit that looks like a sea lion) saying he's going to get him some awesome close up shots of the seals while incognito... We then see some footage of sea lions, with Peter's voice over talking about them. He says that sharks are nature's way of thinning out the population, we then see Danny in the water, still in the seal suit, being attacked by a shark. Lots of screaming, thrashing, and Peter's voice over saying "No! Danny! That's my friend!" etc...

Cut to outside of a hospital, where everyone but Danny is sitting there talking about the attack. Danny isn't dead, but he won't be able to come along for the rest of the trip. Cheryl is pretty shaken up, almost on the verge of tears. Cooker has one of those hand buzzer things on, and goes to "comfort" Cheryl, and takes her hand in his. She gets ticked off at him when the buzzer goes off.. Someone then notices a huge beetle, and Peter thinks this is a great opportunity to do some more shooting. They get out the camera, and a car pulls up beside them honking it's horn repetitively... they go to ask the driver to please stop honking, as they're trying to do a shoot, and the driver, a hispanic tough looking guy, says that he'll stop honking if they give him $100. Peter makes things worse by stepping up, claiming to speak their language, and uses a horrible spanish accent to start talking to the guy. When he notices that he isn't getting through to him, he says he has another idea, and smacks the guy in the head. Guy gets ticked off, and steps out of the car, threatening to beat up Peter. Allen steps in saying that would be a bad idea, what with how big and strong the guy is, he'd likely kill Peter if he punched him, and then there would be all kinds of problems for the guy. Guy says that he should get $100 bucks anyways, because of the scratch they put on his car's hood. When they deny ever touching the hood, he convinces Peter and Allen to get a closer look at it, and then turns on his car's hydraulics and the car's hood smacks them both in the face.

Cut to a dentist's office, where we now see that they're both covered in blood and missing their front teeth. The receptionist tells them it'll be an hour, and to please take a seat. A hot chick is waiting behind them, and Peter attempts to hit on her (yes, in his current state), she says "You have got to be kidding me.." End of scene.

Peter and Allen walk out, with fixed teeth, and tell everyone that their money is all gone. Junior comes running out behind them with a tank of nitrous oxide, telling them he stole it by telling the people at the dentist's office that he was a dental student, and needed it. He says that that much nitrous goes for about $1000 on the street, and the group agrees to sell it for the much needed cash. Driving towards Bill's cabin, the tank of gas which had carelessly been left on the floor of the RV, rolling around, starts to let it's gas out into the RV. We then get to see a scene of everyone high as hell on nitrous, having a party in the RV.

Pulling up to the cabin, with no money, and the nitrous tank empty, they walk in to meet Bill. Of course, now they're 3 days late, and he's already sold the map to Sky because he needed the money. When they ask what the money was for, he says for medications. Apparently, Bill is pretty paranoid. We see security cameras all over his house and such. Bill says that he thinks that he can still give them a copy of the map, because Sky was walking around the cabin looking at the map earlier, and he had to have been caught on camera. Bill starts fast forwarding, and Allen says he thinks he saw something, and to back the tapes up a bit. Bill says it's just him saying goodbye to his wife or something, but when played back, we see his (surprisingly) hot wife taking off her shirt in front of Sky, and then taking him into the back room to have sex. Bill is outraged, and says that he'll definitely get them the map now, and that when they do catch up to Sky, for Peter to punch him in the face for Bill. He finds a shot of Sky looking at the map by a camera, and zooms in to print out the map. Trying to be helpful, Bill says he knows a guy named Gus Hayden who was an amazing tracker from back in the day, and that he could get him to help them on their quest for Bigfoot for $500. Of course, from all their recent happenings, they're down to a measly $14. They walk out, and Peter throws a fit because of their money woes. They don't even have enough to make it the rest of the way, much less for Gus's services. He goes to take a leak, and notices these cute little baby turkeys. He goes "Awww... where's the momma turkey?" and right at that moment starts screaming, and now has a HUGE turkey who has a hold of his penis.. He runs out to where his crew is, still screaming.

Cut to the hospital again, where he runs out of the RV, turkey still attached. We now see him and everyone else in an exam room with a doctor and a hot nurse, turkey still on him. They show an x-ray, which shows his penis pretty far down the turkey's throat. The doctor asks the hot nurse to try massaging the turkey's neck to loosen it's grip on Peter's.. peter. She does, and a minute later, stops all grossed out, exclaiming that Peter has an erection. Peter says, in his own defense, "She's hot!" He asks to see if someone else can do it instead, but of course, all decline. The doctor then goes to inject Demerol into the turkey's neck to calm it down, but it ends up going straight into Peter's penis. Doctor says "this could complicate things.." They decide the only way to solve the problem is to chop off it's head, and the doctor leaves to get the appropriate tool for the job. In walks two men, who go "It is Maggie!" Apparently, the turkey is part of a government project, and they'd lost her a while back. Finding an ID tag on her leg, confirming it's her, they say that they've been looking for her for weeks, and that there's a $5000 reward for her. the doctor walks back in with what looks like a huge pair of bolt cutters, and everyone screams "No!" because he can cut off it's head. They decide to pull instead, and we see a top view of the turkey being pulled back, and Peter's penis all stretched out.. (My boyfriend cringed at this part.) Anyways, with the money, they can now afford both Gus, and their trip, and they continue on their way.

They pull up to the Mexican border, and are approached by a border guard. Allen gets out and says he'll meet them on the other side because he's carrying weed. Peter starts to talk to the guard in the same mocking spanish accent from before. Cut to him walking out of a room into a garage where the RV has been disassembled into tiny pieces. Peter says "Oh well, guess we're flying" and shrugs off anyone who asks what happened in the room. (I can only assume it was a cavity search.) Before boarding the plane, Whitaker says thanks to everyone for letting him come along, that he's a recovering alcoholic, but since starting this trip, on the first day, he had his last drink. Then again the day after, and, holding a beer in his hand, says that God willing, this'll really be the last one. Cooker, again with his buzzer, says congratulations to Whitaker, and tells him to take a bow, hitting him in the crotch with the hand buzzer...

Next we see them in rural Mexico, and they meet up with a guy named Dick.. just Dick. No last name. Lots of giggles and jokes about his name. ("Does your name ever get hard in the morning?") Dick threatens to hurt the next person who makes a comment about his name, and they continue on their way, with Dick, to meet up with Gus.

Gus is a hardcore Vietnam vet. They all sit around a campfire swapping scar stories. Gus says he can top them all when he talks about a time in Vietnam when they cut open his balls and his testicles unraveled all to the ground. He says he picked them up, shoved them back in, and sewed it back up himself. He then pulls down his pants to show everyone his handy work. It's not pretty... Everyone turns in for the night, Junior saying that he'll have horrible nightmares tonight. Gus says he'll wake them all up at 6am to get going.

Next morning, Peter is woken up by his crew. Apparently, Gus is gone and he took everything with him, including Cheryl, their equipment, and the map. The crew talks about quitting and going home. Whitaker says that, now a couple days sober, he's reevaluating his life. That he'd like to go home, find a nice girl to settle down with, maybe start a family. Once again, Cooker pulls his buzzer "take a bow" routine... (is anyone else thinking this running gag is losing something each time?) Peter convinces everyone to press on, saying his father would never give up, and neither will he. Dick says he'll take everyone through the forest for quite a ways.

They start to trek through the forest once again, in search of Bigfoot. They hear some creepy animal noises and what not, and out steps... Cheryl. At first, they're all pretty ticked off at her, but she explains that she's been tracking them for hours, and she herself is mad that they all left camp. Apparently she awoke that morning to find Gus trying to make off with all their belongings. She convinced him that she wanted to go with him, and later on, was able to convince him to give her the map, which she then produces for the rest of the group to see. They ask how she was able to do that. She gets really quiet, and says she took one for the team. They all get pretty grossed out and comment on how they all saw her eying him last night at the campfire, not quite believing her. She explains that that simply wasn't the case, that it's not like she wanted to, and that she'd much rather do one of them. At this, they all get big smiles and start joking how they each had some pretty important maps themselves if she wanted to try to get her hands on any of them.. haha...

They continue on their way. Dick says they should be pretty close, and that they need to cross the Mojave River. They all cross, but he stops halfway to explain the route he'll be taking them next. Suddenly, a large school of piranhas attack him; they start to go in after him, but he tells them no. We then see them sitting around a campfire eating said piranhas, and each yelling at their fish for eating Dick. One of them stops short, saying that if the fish ate Dick, and they were eating the fish.. Weren't they eating Dick? They all start to gag and spit out the fish. Cheryl wanders away for a moment before returning saying she thinks she found something the rest of the group should see.

They walk into the remains of Sky Pierson's camp. Everyone appears to be dead; flaming arrows and body parts are strewn about the site. Peter finds Sky.. the top half of him anyways. Allen points out his bottom half not too far away. Sky then comes to and starts talking to Peter, explaining that their camp was attacked by Pygmies. Allen pulls him away for a second, and asks if he was going to go through with punching Sky in the face for Bill. Peter says he's kind of on the fence about it, what with Sky being cut in half and all. Sky then pulls Peter close to him, says something.. (can't remember what, it wasn't important) and then dies. Peter tells the crew to pick up what equipment from Sky's camp that they can carry, because they were moving on.

We then see them on the side of a rocky hill, looking at the map. Peter says that according to the map, Bigfoot's cave should be right by them, but it's nowhere to be found. He starts to throw a fit (he does that a lot) when Cheryl notices that because the map was pulled off of a camera image, that it's backwards; meaning that they still weren't too far from the cave, it was just in the other direction.

Not too long after, they kind the cave! They go down in front of it and Peter tells Junior to get the camera ready. He starts to make this elaborate plan on how to go about shooting, starting outside the entrance, and then creeping in to tape Bigfoot in his natural habitat. He starts filming, saying that they are currently right outside of Bigfoot's lair, and about to catch the first ever video of Bigfoot himself. He then goes on making a noble speech about what a peaceful creature Bigfoot must be, and hopes that by finally coming in contact with him, that mankind can learn something from him and his peaceful ways... Mid-speech, Bigfoot himself steps out from the cave behind Peter. He turns around, screams, and pulls a gun out of his pocket and starts shooting. The Bigfoot can barely get out a "Huh?" before Peter and the rest of the group open fire with guns they all picked up from Sky's camp. It's not too long before Bigfoot falls down dead.

The group is sitting around a campfire by the entrance of the cave later that night, talking about how menacing Bigfoot was, and it's "Huh" was more of a deadly... menacing... "Huh... grrrrr.. I'm going to kill you" kind of thing. They're trying to figure out a way to make the trip not a total loss. Cooker says he has an idea...

We then cut to the entire crew, including Danny (in a wheelchair) walking up to the TV channel's building. Danny talks about how his doctor asked him what kind of prosthetic leg he wanted. It turns out he meant something along the lines of pine, balsa, etc. But he started to think that he'd like a jackhammer for a leg, so he could pound up the sidewalk as he walked...

Anyways, they get inside and sit down with Ed Lawson to show him their tape. It shows Peter walking through the cave, talking about how they hoped to find Bigfoot, but apparently he'd been extremely depressed and committed suicide. The tape showed Bigfoot hanging from the ceiling of the cave.... and covered in bullet holes. Obviously, Ed doesn't buy it. they walk out into the hallway, and start arguing with each other over what a stupid idea it was in the first place. The receptionist tells them to keep it down and they start fighting with her. It turns into a full blown fight, people getting beat up and such.

Back in present time, Peter's back on the couch talking on the phone. He says that that's the whole story and that he hasn't seen anyone in about a year. He gets off the phone, and there's a knock on the door. Peter says that no one's home, but it turns out it's Milas. Milas says that doesn't work if you say it... They start talking about what happened, and that there may be a chance to start the show up again; that with his father, all it took sometimes was one simple idea to get the ball rolling. Peter asks if before they start, he can take a hit from his bong. Milas says sure, and Peter grabs a cup and fills it with water from a fish tank behind him to pour in the bong, dumping a fish in with it. Peter takes his hit, and giggles, saying that the fish is going to think it's a shark. They both get excited at the idea of doing a show on sharks. Apparently, Ed was looking for something with shark attacks.

Cut to Allen, standing at the counter of a fast food restaurant, taking orders through the drive through. He hears Peter ordering some food, and the best damned sound guy in the business. They start to reconcile over the drive through intercom, which can be heard through out the restaurant. Obviously, like the rest of the movie, there's a lot of swearing and what not, customers get disgusted... etc... Peter pulls up to the window in a car filled with the rest of the crew, including Cheryl (why she, the travel planner is there.. I dunno..) Allen climbs through the window into the car, and they're off.

We see them at a dock, where Peter is explaining to the camera that on this very spot, one year ago, his driver Danny was attacked by a shark, but they were back for revenge. They then show the entire crew eating all sorts of disgusting, rotten food. Someone holds a steak on a fishing pole over the edge of the dock, and they all stand by waiting. A huge shark comes up to eat the steak, and they all proceed to vomit into its' mouth. It dives back down, and Danny starts pointing and laughing "Take that!" etc... The shark then comes back up and bites Danny's hand.

Cut to Peter and Allen in Ed's office again. Ed loves it, says shark attacks are what the people want. They're back on the air!

Ending says that Strange Wilderness now dominates the 3am slot, and everyone was successful.

THE END