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ROCK OF AGES

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NOTE: This spoiler was submitted by Dukes

It’s 1987.  A beautiful young blond girl, Sherrie, (Julianne Hough), is riding the bus from Tulsa, Oklahoma to LA.  She’s listening to Stacee Jaxx on her headphones.  She starts singing the song “Sister Christian,” and all the bus patrons sing along with her.  She disembarks in downtown LA and starts singing “Just Like Paradise,” and all the hookers and homeless people join in.

At a club called “The Bourbon,” a bar-back named Drew (Diego Boneta) is preparing for another night of rock revelry.   A drunk patron is harassing one of the waitresses, who quits, and as Drew kicks the guy out of the bar, he sees somebody stealing Sherrie’s suitcase.  He tries to stop the thief, but is unsuccessful.  He introduces himself to Sherrie and they discover they are both aspiring singers.  Sherrie is bummed because her suitcase had all her favorite rock albums in it.  Drew cheers her up by getting her a job waitressing at The Bourbon.

Drew and Sherrie are excited because Stacee Jaxx will be playing his last show with his band Arsenal that Friday at The Bourbon.  They are both huge fans.

Meanwhile, Mayor Whitmore (Bryan Cranston) is announcing his plan to clean up L.A.  His wife Patricia (Catherine Zeta-Jones) is focusing on the Sunset Strip, and she plans to shut down The Bourbon since it is the “head of the snake.”

Dennis (Alec Baldwin), the manager of The Bourbon, and his second-in-command Lonny (Russell Brand) watch the mayor on TV.  Dennis says it’s funny the mayor is on his crusade, since he used to be a big customer at The Bourbon.

Cut to Sherrie and Drew, who are shopping at a used record store.  They talk about their dreams of rock and roll stardom and burst into a mutual medley of “Jukebox Hero” and “I Love Rock and Roll.”  Drew talks about his stage fright, and Sherrie gives him tips on how to calm down.

Back at The Bourbon, Dennis bemoans his unpaid taxes.  They need the Stacee Jaxx show to go well so they can pay their bills.  Lonny talks about how unreliable Stacee Jaxx is, and Dennis calls Stacee’s manager to confirm he will still be playing.  The manager, Paul (Paul Giamatti), promises that Stacee will definitely be there – he has a Rolling Stone interview before the concert.

When Paul hangs up the phone, he enters Stacee’s dressing room, which is full of African warriors, monkeys, a hot tub, and a huge pile of naked babes.  Stacee crawls out from under the girls and falls in the hot tub.

Cut to a church where Patricia is pointing to a poster of Stacee Jaxx, telling all the church ladies he’s a demon of sexual depravity.  She obviously has some kind of weird love-hate thing going on for Stacee.  The mayor sneaks out to have kinky extramarital sex with his secretary while Patricia and the church ladies sing “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.”

Sherrie and Drew have a date that night, and they both sing “Waiting For A Girl Like You” while they get ready.  They ride Drew’s motorbike up to the Hollywood sign where they talk about their families and finally kiss.  Sherrie asks Drew to sing her a song, and he said he’s writing one about her.  He sings the first part of “Don’t Stop Believing.”

Cut to a montage of Sherrie and Drew at the beach, taking photo-strip pictures, making kissy faces at work, and having sex.

Finally it’s the night of the big Stacee Jaxx show.  Outside The Bourbon, picketers protest the concert.  Dennis is upset to discover his opening band has cancelled.  Sherri says, “Why don’t you use Drew?”  Dennis agrees, and one of the waitresses warns Sherrie that when guys get in the spotlight, they forget the girls they supposedly love.

Drew is about to tell Sherrie that he loves her, but Sherrie sings “More Than Words."  Drew joins in with a medley of “Heaven Isn’t Too Far Away.”

A limo pulls up to The Bourbon and Stacee Jaxx and a monkey exit, signing autographs for hordes of screaming fans.  Dennis greets Stacee Jaxx, and Stacee starts talking crazy about burning down the nightclub.  When Sherrie sees Stacee, she faints.

Constance (Malin Akerman), the reporter from Rolling Stone, is waiting to interview Stacee.  She asks Stacee a polite question, and he pretends to answer seriously, then says “And blah, blah, blah.”  She gets serious and says, “Your band says you’re inconsistent and impossible to work with.  Are you going solo because you have no other option?” Stacee gets all defensive and rude, and she says, “You’re just another lonely man with many regrets.”  Stacee says, “You have no idea what it’s like to be me.”  She says, “Here’s your chance to tell me.”  He sings “Wanted Dead or Alive.” 

After the performance, Constance says, “You’re not a cowboy, you’re a man-child stuck in a rut.  You used to be great, but you haven’t written new music in ten years.  Your sleazy manager has anesthetized you with groupies and drugs.”  Stacee says, “I’m a slave to rock and roll.  I’m searching for the perfect sound to make you want to live forever.”  Stacee and Constance are about to kiss.  They sing, “I Want to Know What Love Is.”  They strip down to their underwear, but when they finish the song, Stacee only says, “That can be on the record.”  Constance says, “This was a mistake,” and she grabs her clothes and leaves.

Afterward, Stacee notices Sherrie and asks her to get the scotch from his limo and bring it to his dressing room.  Drew is getting ready for his show, and he looks for Sherrie but doesn’t find her.  Sherrie brings the scotch and bumps into Stacee, dropping the bottle so hard it smashes.  She leaves Stacee’s room disheveled, saying, “I can’t believe that just happened,” while Stacee buttons up his pants.  Drew sees this and thinks that Sherrie cheated on him with Stacee.

Drew and his band Wolfgang Von Colt head out on stage and sing “I Wanna Rock.”  The crowd loves it, and Paul the manager is impressed.

After the show, Sherrie runs up to congratulate Drew, but he blows her off saying, “I don’t need you, there are a hundred girls just like you.”  She slaps his face and quits her job.  Drew is about to run after her, but Paul stops him saying, “Forget about love, I can give you something much better: fame.”  Drew accepts Paul’s offer and quits his job as well.

Meanwhile, Stacee gets on stage and rocks out hardcore.  He sings “Pour Some Sugar On Me.”  The show is a big success and Dennis makes $30,000, enough to pay his taxes.  But Paul shows up and takes every cent of the money.

Cut to Sherrie singing “Harden Your Heart” in the rain.  She tears up her picture of Drew.  There is a montage of her running out of money and unsuccessfully trying to find a new job.  Finally, she is befriended by Justice (Mary J. Blige) who owns a strip joint called “The Venus Club.”  Justice offers Sherrie a job waitressing.

Over to the mayor and Patricia.  Patricia has discovered The Bourbon’s unpaid taxes and is thrilled she can finally shut them down.  Her husband asks why she’s so obsessed with hurting Stacee Jaxx, and she says her “roommate” (aka herself) slept with Stacee Jaxx in college, and for the first time she felt like a real woman, but then he just took off in the morning.

Back to Drew, who is travelling around hotels with Paul, trying to find a record label.  He thinks about Sherrie and writes songs about her.  Both Drew and Sherrie sing “Here I Go Again.”

Over to The Bourbon, where Dennis is depressed about his bills, and Lonny is cheering him up.  Lonny sings, “I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore,” revealing that he has romantic feelings for Dennis.  Dennis joins in, showing that he feels the same.  There is a montage of them playing mini-golf and riding the carousel, and they share a passionate kiss.

Meanwhile, Sherrie isn’t making enough money and Justice tells her she needs to start stripping.  Justice and the strippers sing “Any Way You Want It.”

Drew is still trying to find a record label, but the executives say rock is dead and pop is the new thing.  Drew cuts his hair and starts dressing like New Kids on the Block.

Over at The Venus Club, Sherrie dances on a pole.  Simultaneously, Drew is filming the music video for his cheesy new boy band “Zee Boyeezz.”  He hates it, and refuses to film any more until his band has done an actual gig.  Paul agrees to his terms, and calls The Bourbon to book Drew as the opening act for Stacee Jaxx’s first solo show.  He promises Dennis The Bourbon can keep all the proceeds.

When he gets off the phone, Paul realizes Stacee’s Jaxx’s Rolling Stone cover has come out.  Stacee is in Paul’s office, and he’s not happy.  The article is titled “Rock’s Loneliest Cowboy,” and it reads, “More like a boy cow lost in a herd – the biggest danger to Stacee Jazz is his sleazy manager to whom nothing is sacred.  He even stole the proceeds of Stacee’s last show from the legendary Bourbon.”  Stacee is angry that Paul ripped off Dennis, and Stacee urinates on Paul’s shoe and fires him.

Cut to The Bourbon, where Dennis has until midnight to pay his taxes.  The big Stacee Jaxx show is that night, and protesters are lined up on one side of the block, fans on the other.

Meanwhile, Sherrie visits the Hollywood sign again and sees that Drew is already there in his ridiculous pop star clothes.  Drew asks Sherrie about Stacee Jaxx, and she realizes that Drew believes they slept together.  She says, “You think I slept with him?  I was in love with you.  Now I’m a stripper.  LA isn’t working out for me, I’m going home.”  Drew gives her a recording of the song he wrote about her.  As Sherrie leaves, she and Drew sing “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.”

Drew goes to the used record store where he first hung out with Sherrie, and he finds all her old albums that were in her stolen suitcase.  He buys them and drops them off at The Venus Club with a note that says, “Sometimes things that are lost can be found again.  Don’t stop believing.”

Cut to Stacee Jaxx, who is calling the Rolling Stone offices looking for Constance.  He can’t stop thinking about her because “She stuck her tongue in my ear.  She held up a mirror to Stacee Jaxx.”  A staffer answers his call and says that Constance is at The Bourbon for the Stacee Jaxx concert.  This is the first that Stacee has heard about his gig.

Over at The Bourbon, the fans sing “We Built This City” while the protesters sing “We’re Not Gonna To Take It.”  Stacee rolls up on his motorbike and sees Patricia with the protesters.  He remembers her from their sexual encounter and grabs her breast.  Lonny sees this, and gets his copy of the Arsenal live album from 1976.  He shows the news cameras and the protesters a picture of a naked Patricia with Stacee Jaxx at the concert.  Obviously, the church ladies are outraged.

Stacee heads inside The Bourbon and sees Constance.  He kisses her like crazy.

Drew gets onstage with his boy band for a super embarrassing performance that is booed by the crowd.  When he sees Sherrie watching, he jumps off the stage and kisses her and apologizes.  Sherrie says, “Wait right here.”

Stacee Jaxx gives a big bag of cash to Dennis to make up for what Paul stole, so Dennis is able to pay his taxes and save the nightclub.  Paul tells Drew to get back onstage and Drew says, “You’re fired.”  Paul says, “You’re an idiot, rock is over.  It’s dead.”  Drew says, “It will never die,” and Stacee’s monkey punches Paul in the face.

Sherrie has gathered Drew’s old band and she gets up on the stage and starts singing the song he wrote for her, “Don’t’ Stop Believing.”  Drew joins her.  Stacee Jaxx is in the bathroom having wild crazy sex with Constance, but he comes out when he hears the song.

Cut to a huge arena where Stacee Jaxx and Arsenal are playing “Don’t Stop Believing.”  Drew and Sherrie, the new members of Von Colt, come onstage to sing with Stacee.  Patricia is in the crowd, dressed her in old-school rock leather outfit.  Constance watches from the wings, pregnant with Stacee’s baby.  All the rest of the characters like Dennis, Lonny, and Justice sing along in the crowd. 

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