JAY AND SILENT BOB
NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by Spongewthy
The movie begins with baby Silent Bob and baby Jay being left in front of Quik-Stop. Bob's mom is quiet, as normal but Jay's mother is cursing up a storm. A guy walking past them warns her what would happen to the two babies if she keeps cursing, then we flash twenty-something years later to the two of them, all grown up, rapping and dealing in front of Quik-Stop.
We move inside, where we see Dante and Randal (from Clerks) complaing about the two of them. Ultimately, Jay and Bob start fighitng with some kids and Randal slaps a restraining order on them, saying they can't hang out by Quik-Stop any more.
They end up in Brodie's comic book shop (MallRats reference) where Brodie (Jason Lee) tells them that there is a Bluntman and Chronic movie being made in Hollywood. Since the characters are based on them, they should get some money for it.
The duo go see Holden (Ben Affleck--from Chasing Amy), where he tells them he sold his rights to Banky. They then go on the internet ("What the fuck is the internet"-- Jay) and the duo find out that they're being insulted by computer geeks. In order to save their name, they decide to go to Hollywood and ruin the movie.
They attempt to get on a bus, but when they realize they have to pay, they start hitchhiking. They meet George Carlin, a fellow hitchhiker, who tells them that they need to follow the "rules of the book," meaning they need to give the driver head if necessary. He gets picked up by a trucker and proceeds. The duo then get picked up by a nun (Carrie Fisher) and when she starts discussing "the book" (the Bible), Jay takes it on himself to try and go down on her. That promptly gets them kicked out of the car.
Hungry, the duo go into MoobyBurger (Dogma reference) where Jay sees Justice (Shannon Elizabeth). He immediately starts fantasizing about her and she finds him charming as well. In the midst of this, Jay writes a posting about the revenge they'll take on the Internet geeks (important later). Justice invites them along into her van, where we meet Missy, Cissy and Chrissy (Ali Lartner, Elisa Dushku and Kevin Smith's wife). They are really bitter and angry all the time, but Justice really likes the duo.
Then, popping into the van is Seann William Scott, playing a braces wearing geek who sings folk songs. The group say they are from SAAC and are planning on liberating an orangutan. Scott's character seems to be horning in on Justice, so Jay gets him to admit he'd screw a sheep and throws him out of the van.
The three rhyming girls decide the duo will now be their patsy (all the while, Jay decides to be sweet and take it slow with Justice), so they end up at the animal lab. They say that the duo need to rescue an orangutan while they wait in the van. Before they go off, Jay records (on video) some stuff he says about loving the clit (important later). They rescue Suzanne (Mallrats), but insead of waiting, the four girls go to the jewelry exchange next door and in takeoffs of Entrapment and The Matrix, rob a bunch of diamonds. They then blow up the van.
Jay and Silent Bob decide to release all the animals, but are caught by the police. The van blows up, so the two take off, thinking Justice is dead. The cops then show up, led by Judd Nelson. Will Ferrell plays a wildlife marshall who insists on taking over the case.
The duo end up in the desert, where Jay wants to get rid of Suzanne, but Bob has bonded with her. Ultimately, Jay realizes that Justice died for this ape, so he wants to keep it.
The three end up at a diner eating and saying that the police would never find them. Of course, the police show up four seconds later. They dress up Suzanne as a little boy and pretend to be a gay couple to get out. Ferrell buys this and lets them go. He then eralizes the mistake and chases them into a sewer, where they reenact the Fugitive. Only difference is that Suzanne hangs onto a pipe with them while Ferrell falls into the water.
Suzanne is then taken by a guy in a car that says "Animals for Hollywood." Bob tries to show Jay what the sign said, but Jay keeps yelling at him to talk. Finally, Bob breaks down and yells, "The sign said Hollywood you fucking moron!" They decided to continue their trek.
The police and the news (anchorman Jon Stewart) then receive a video (actually from the girls) about a terrorist organization called CLIT (something about monkey liberation), which they use as double entendres.
Flash to Steve Kmetko and Jules Asner, talking about the duo as dangerous men. Behind them are actually the two, making faces at the camera.
They bust into Miramax and proceed to be chased by the guard, Diedrich Bader. They end up as extras on the set of Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are there and proceed to insult the hell out of each other and each others movies (too damn funny). They then film a little until the guards burst in to catch the two. They then run out and bust in on the making of Scream 4 (with Shannen Doherty). They reveal the killer to be none other than Suzanne, whom the duo immediately grab and run off with.
(In the midst of all this, we keep falshing to Justice, who feels regret for framing the two)...
They then use the Batrope (Mallrats) to swing to safety, but end up crashing into the dressing room of the guys playing Bluntman and Chronic, Jason Biggs and James VanDerBeek. They all start fighting and insulting each other, and ultimately Suzanne beats the two of them up.
To escape, Jay and Bob put on the superhero costumes, but are brought to the set to film. Chris Rock is the director, who hates all white people. They start to film, and then the villain bursts in-- the BallKnocker, played by Mark Hamill. It ends up as one big Star Wars riff, with light sabers and ultimately Hamill's hand gets cut off... again.
Justice bursts in at the same time as the police, then the rhyming girls run in and everyone starts fighting and shooting at each other.
How they end up: The rhyming girls are all knocked out, Ferrell agrees to drop the charges if no one says that Suzanne shot him in the butt with a tranquilizer dart, Justice agrees to a reduced sentence and the duo finally run into Banky, who agrees to give them half the earnings after a lengthy legal lecture from Bob.
They all end up partying together as the credits begin...
And as the credits end, we see Alanis Morrisette, as God, (Dogma) closing the book on the "Askewniverse."
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