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Rob Zombie

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NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by West who says... "I thought this movie had some great scenes and some really good character bits, but overall it was far too choppy and nonsensical to become any lasting classic. Hopefully the unrated cut (rumored to be 40 minutes longer) will be an improvement.

The movie begins with a gas station out in the middle of nowhere, which seems to specialize in a serial killer attraction and fried chicken. The gas station is run by an old, redneck clown called Captain Spaulding (Sid Haig). He has a conversation with an old decrepit man, Stucky, and the interior of the place is dressed up as a museum of horrors and oddities.

Two thugs break into the station, who for some reason thought it was a good idea to rob a store obviously run by psychopaths. As the two men hold Stucky and Spaulding at gunpoint, a third man comes into the door, dressed in overalls and wearing a gigantic clown helmet. He is clutching a mallet which he puts to good use by literally beating the brains out of both of them. One robber is still alive, and Spaulding grabs the gun, aims it the man's head, and says "F your mother, F your father, F your sister, F your grandma, but most of all F YOU!" and fires.

The movie then switches over to a group of four kids, Denise, Mary, Bill, and Jerry. The two couples are driving down backwoods Texas while the radio reports that a group of cheerleaders have gone missing in the area. They go to the gas and fried chicken shop where Spaulding still resides. Despite being a twisted murderer he happily takes the four on a tour through a serial killer themed ride in his museum (featuring Ed Gien and the like, very creepy scene). It should also be noted that the man with the mallet from the opening is operating the cart on the ride; he's deformed and very freaky.

After the ride the four inquire about a local serial killer named Dr. Satan who was hung and vanished, never to be seen again. Spaulding becomes uncomfortable talking about Dr. Satan but after being pestered decides to give them the address of the tree where Satan was hung.

The four travel near there and pick up a hitchhiker. Normally this would seem like an unbelievably stupid thing to do, but in this instance the hitchhiker is in the form of the absolutely GORGEOUS Baby (Sherri Moon, Rob Zombie's girlfriend). Despite her beauty Baby is one weird duck and things get stranger when the car suddenly gets a flat tire (the tire was pierced by a shotgun by Rufus, one of Baby's clan).

Eventually a tow truck arrives, driven by - you guessed it - Rufus. He tows their truck to his house, a large creepy home with scarecrows and mangled baby dolls and all that. While Rufus works on the car, the four teens are introduced to another member of the clan, Mother Firefly, an ugly woman with rotten teeth who is the mother of the household.

The four are coerced into having dinner with the bunch, being introduced to the hideously deformed Tiny (who was burned in a terrible fire) and the surly, foul-mouthed Grandpa Hugo.

While the uncomfortable dinner takes place the movie cuts to a character called Otis (Bill Moseley - ChopTop from Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2) who is ranting at and torturing the missing cheerleaders from the radio transmission.

While he does his work the family puts on a painfully strange Halloween show for the group, which ends badly when one of the girls confronts Baby.

Fortunately, Rufus announces that he has fixed their car and the four teenagers immediately drive away from harm's way.

Everyone lives happily ever after, The End.

Just kidding, of course. While Bill drives the car away, the scarecrows surrounding the driveway come alive (it's actually the family in disguise) and begin beating Bill and Jerry and smashing up the car. All four are taken hostage again.

This is where the movie gets really surreal. Bill is completely mutilated beyond recognition by Otis, who refers to his corpse as FishBoy. Jerry has the skin on his head peeled open by Baby. Denise coerces Tiny into setting her free, but she is recaptured by Otis.

Meanwhile Denise's father, Don, becomes worried about his daughter. He enlists the help of two cops, Wydell and Naish, and the three of them head to where the kids were last seen. The trio arrive at Spauldings', and after putting up with him for a few moments he tells them where he sent the kids.

The cops arrive at the house. Wydell goes inside and begins to flirt with Mother Firefly. Naish and Don sneak around back and come upon a locked tool shed. Naish breaks open the door and "I Remember You" by Slim Whitman begins playing (chillingly effective). The tool shed's contents are revealed - the tortured but still alive Mary is tied to the ceiling and walls and she writhes around in terror. Surrounding her are all the dead bodies of the teenagers. Naish and Don flip out, going into shock and generally losing it.

Mother Firefly suddenly shoots Wydell through the neck. While this happens Otis walks into the backyard, gun blazing. He shoots Don multiple times in the back, killing him. Naish puts his hands behind his head and gets down on his knees. Otis holds the gun to his forehead and the movie goes completely silent and holds on the two men for two straight minutes. Finally Otis fires, killing Naish instantly.

The family decides to hold a massive ritual. Otis skins Don and wears his flesh like a full body cast. Rufus drives around wildly in Wydell's police car after getting drunk. Baby buys liquor from a man named G. Oober. Otis dresses up in full satanic clothing, as do the rest, and they dress up Jerry, Mary, and Denise in bunny costumes.

Mary escapes and runs, but Baby chases her down and brutally stabs her to death in a graveyard. Denise and Jerry are put in a coffin, alive, and lowered into an underground cavern. Suddenly the coffin is opened and demonic like figures leap out of the water, grabbing Jerry and pulling him away. More underground freaks come out and rip Denise's bunny suit off.

Denise wanders around underground until she comes upon a room. Inside is a bunch of surgery patients, and Dr. Satan, a puss-vomiting gigantic demon cyborg. Dr. Satan is currently operating on Jerry's exposed brain which seems to finally kill the poor guy. Dr. Satan begins chasing Denise through the underground passageways until the tunnels cave in, crushing Dr. Satan.

Denise manages to dig to the surface and wanders to the road, where Captain Spaulding is driving by. He picks her up and as the two drive away, Otis suddenly sits up in the backseat with a knife.

The final scene of the movie is Denise being tortured by the family.

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