THE HOT CHICK

movie trailer (apple.com - quicktime)

NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by The Nhgvfgvp Cnaqn who gives this disclaimer...
"A spoiler for The Hot Chick!!? Don’t ask me why… ask me how! Anyways, the actual hot chick in the movie that turns into a man should always be referred to as a girl in this spoiler (i.e. I will use “she”, “her”, etc. to describe her actions and stuff). Likewise, the man who turns into a hot chick should always be referred to as a guy. BTW, this is my *debut* as an online movie spoiler, so it’s okay to consider me a newbie if I somehow screw up writing this."

The movie opens at a high school pep rally.

A fat girl dressed in a green cheerleading outfit that reads “Foxes” on the front. She stands at the center of the gym, being jeered upon, along with having a barrage of toilet paper thrown at her. Leaving with what little dignity she had left, someone throws a toilet seat at her, knocking her unconscious.

Cut to a scene in a class. A girl named Jessica Spencer (actress Rachel McAdams) and her best friend, April (actress Anna Faris, from the Scary Movie series), play some kind of patty-cake… thingy. This patty-cake comes into play later in the movie.

A ‘nerd’-type person enters the classroom, and trips over himself. He drops his books in the process. Jess and April laugh at this person’s humiliation.

Cut to a scene where a black girl, Keecia Jackson (actress Maritza Murray), walks in. She apparently looks *FINE*, and even impresses twins Sissy and Venetia (Tamera & Tia, respectively, the Mowry twins from Sister Sister).

Surprisingly, an Asian (more specifically, Korean) lady walks in and gives Keecia, her daughter, the lunch she forgot – Kim chi. Not only is it then that it’s revealed that Keecia is half-Korean, it’s also revealed that her middle name is “Ling-Ling”. The twins make fun of her name by confusing it for a sound effect that a telephone makes (“ring ring”). At the end of this scene, Keecia complains, “Out of all the Korean liquor stores, why did my dad have to walk in on that one?”

Cut back to class, the teacher gives back graded essays on the Salem Witch Trials. She’s sad to report that the only “A” was given to Eden (actress Sam Doumit). Jess complains that it wasn’t fair because Eden was the only one there, making fun of her ‘Goth’ stereotype. At first, Eden laughs about it, but in anger, she starts mumbling stuff in Latin or Tongues at Jess, thus putting some type of curse on her.

Cut to a scene where Jess visits Vice Principal Bernard (actress Lee Garlington). She compliments Jess on her cheerleading, and Jess patronizes her on how she apparently used to be good at cheerleading. Actually, VP Bernard used to play the tuba when she was an adolescent – lead tuba, honor band (important for later in the movie). Jess convinces the VP to write her and friends passes to go out and practice some new cheerleading moves, and she gets approval.

Of course, the excuse passes were part of a scheme for Jess and her friends to ditch class. They ride off to the local shopping mall, singing “That’s What Girls Do” by No Secrets. While at the mall, the girls show off their sex appeal and such. A mall worker stares at them riding a golf-cart… thingy, oblivious to driving right into a sign that clotheslines him and knocks him out.

Jess & company go out to buy some kind of yogurt beverage. She teasingly licks the cream off her beverage and seduces the cashier (actor Adam Del Rio) to have her drinks on the house.

Being the spineless bastard he is, he lets them have their drinks for free, and he pays for them out of his tip jar. His boss (actor Jeremy Kramer) is disappointed with this, and warns him that he’ll never make it in the yogurt-selling business.

Cut to a scene in the clothing store. April’s binging on some type of food. Jess tells her that it “will go straight to her ass”. Then there was an “itch-bay” alert, and Jess’ rival school’s cheerleading squad (the “Foxes”) enters the store. The leader of the rival squad, Bianca (actress Maria-Elena Laas), who is also Jess’ arch-nemesis, gives Jess the first insult. She tells Jess that she looks better – and asks if she’s doing something different, or just hanging out with skankier friends. Jess out-zings Bianca by asking how she lost more weight – by eating less, or just barfing more. One of Bianca’s friends (actress Ashlee Simpson) responds truthfully – Bianca’s been barfing more. Their confrontation ends in a ‘friendly’ hug – while hugging, Jessica sneaks some lingerie in Bianca’s purse, causing her to trip the theft alarm when she exits. She literally gets swarmed and tackled by security guards.

While at the mall, Jess notices a mystical imported goods shop, Mambuza Treasures of the Ancient World. There are two people who work there: Madam Mambuza (soul diva Angie Stone) and actor Adam Sandler (in a cameo appearance, sporting dreadlocks like Bob Marley or someone).

Sandler gives descriptions to the items for sale. One is a flute used for fertility rituals and another is a model of the prison on Robben Island, where South African ex-President Nelson Mandela was held. Sandler’s sales pitch: there are certain places in the artifacts that can be used to hide weed/marijuana/Chronic/etc. Keecia comments how these artifacts make her so proud to be African-American, but then her Korean mother walks by and says ‘hi’.

Jess examines a mystical-looking box. As she is looking at it, the background music of bongos playing gets progressively louder. An angry Mambuza turns around, and tells Sandler to stop banging the drums, who didn’t know that anyone would notice him playing. Inside the box, Jess finds the most beautiful earrings. Unfortunately, they aren’t for sale because they’re a genuine artifact. However, Jess manages to slip the earrings in another box and purchases that box. Mambuza never noticed that she swiped the earrings and put them into another box, and obliviously sells her the genuine artifact.

Cut to a scene at a gas station. A small-time crook (actor & Saturday Night Live alum Rob Schneider) is robbing the place.

He’s upset that could only find US$18,00 in the cash register, since most people pay by credit nowadays. The clerk, bound with duct tape, suggests that he should steal the nachos. The crook fills his loot bag up with nacho chips and cheese dip. He feeds himself the cheese straight from the tap dispenser. Jess’ yellow convertible VW Bug makes an entrance for full service at the station.

Meanwhile, Schneider is stealing from the Doug Flutie’s Kids’ donation box and the rolls of scratch-and-win lottery tickets. The crook notices that Jess is waiting outside, so he decides to stall and waits for them to leave. He’s stealing packs of chewing gum, and drinks the squishee beverages from the fountain dispenser, and gives himself a brain freeze in the process.

Jess tries on one of the artifact earrings she got. The crook tries to sneak out incognito, but the girls mistaken him for a regular gas worker – “minimum wage for a maximum loser!” While the crook is checking the diagnostics under Jess’ car’s hood, Jess honks the horn, causing him to jump up and bang his head beneath the roof of the hood. While they’re done, the crook discovers that Jess had dropped her other artifact earring. He loots it, and runs off unnoticed by any other innocent bystanders.

Back at home, Jess picks up a basketball and shoots. While she shoots, she lifts one of her legs back (IMPORTANT MANNERISM!). It wasn’t exactly nothin’-but-net, but the shot was made nonetheless.

Jess finds her little brother, Booger (actor Matt Weinberg), is in her room going through her stuff and acting like a girl. It seems that he has a black eye, so Jess covers it up. She then discovers that he’s wearing her lipstick.

Later that night, Jess’ boyfriend, Billy (actor Matthew Lawrence), picks her up for a date.

They each have an intricate process for blowing each other a kiss (important for the storyline). Billy takes three kisses, touching his heart/chest after each kiss, pretends to wrap it up in some kind of a small package, ties an imaginary ribbon and then tosses the package as if it were some kind of, umm… American football. Then, Jessica pretends that she catches the package (but doesn’t pretend that it breaks through the window; it wasn’t yet opened at that moment). She does the same thing with the kiss-touch-heart deal, packages it into an arrow and shoots the arrow off an imaginary bow as if she were Cupid.

Jess sneaks out the window and checks through her parents’ bedroom. Her dad, Richie (actor Michael O’Keefe), is looking at a Playboy centerfold and her mom, Carol (Melora Hardin), is reading a Scientific American, also looking at its centerfold.

Jess and Billy have a mediocre make-out session (at least it was better than the next one with those two). Billy invites her to go with him skiing for the weekend. She declines, thinking that they might have sex. Her pet name for him is “Silly Billy Nilly”. Billy tries to convince her that his whole family’s going with him on the trip, and they’ll do wholesome stuff, like play Scrabble with his little brother. Jess blows it all off as if they were sexual innuendoes. Like a typical preppy hypocrite, she wants that ‘special moment’ to be ‘perfect’, and Billy agrees… unless she changes her mind of course.

Cut to the crook’s condemned residence. He’s counting his loot, licking the nacho cheese he stole from the gas station off the dollar bills. He finally finds the other earring that Jess obliviously lost.

Cut to April’s bedroom, talking on the phone with Jess about how “Disney” Jessica’s relationship with Billy is. There’s a close-up of Jess where she switches ears with the phone. She’s still wearing that earring on her right ear, but the other is missing on her left.

Cut to the crook, putting the other earring on his right ear and looking how handsome he is using a car door mirror. Cut back to the phone conversation with Jess and April. They stop talking for the night and Jess goes to sleep. The night passes by…

(NOTE: Now the switch happens…)

The next morning, Jessica (now Rob Schneider), who’s oblivious to her transformation, wakes up and kisses a picture frame of her and Billy. She proceeds to her bathroom and takes a morning urination (sitting down, of course). Then she finds out she has a penis.

She looks twice at what she has between her legs, and screams each time she makes the discovery. At this point, I think, the theme to Beetlejuice is playing. She looks into the mirror and faints at her appearance. She gets up again and is frightened of how she looks. Jess’ mother overhears her screaming, and wonders if there’s anything wrong. Jessica, in an impersonated girly voice say it’s just a spider – a “big, disgusting hairy” one.

Jess tries to call April, only to get the answering machine. In a panic, she exits out the window and sneaks into her parents’ bedroom. She steals her fathers’ outfit. As she tries to leave, Booger almost catches her, and asks if he could eat the cake lying around for breakfast. Jess covers her face with a newspaper and says that he could. With Booger still unaware that that guy wasn’t his dad, Jess leaves. Their real dad catches Booger eating the cake, so Booger, with a lot of cake in his mouth, explained that he thought he was given permission to eat it.

Cut to the crook’s home. Oblivious that he turned into a teenage girl (now Rachel McAdams), the crook wakes up. He goes to take a morning urination (standing up, of course). Then, out of camera view, he screams, “WHERE’S MY PENIS!?”

In class, April gets a cell phone call from Jess. She calls her to meet each other after class at the track. Later, April waits for Jess, and encounters her in a man’s body. Not knowing that it’s really Jess, April warns her to back off – she has pepper spray in her key chain. She pulls out a fat key chain with all type of keys and stuff on it. Jess says it’s her in a man’s body, but April still doesn’t believe her. Jessica caught April binging off that food that ‘goes straight to her ass’ from the day before again. When Jess snatches the food from April, April pepper sprays her – an unusually large stream of water gets splashed onto Jess’ face, as if it were from a hose. This knocks Jess off a couple bleachers. She gets up, but slips off the binger food that was dropped, and falls off even more bleachers, this time through a fence and onto the track. April runs away, and Jess starts crying.

Jess then tells April a childhood memory only she would know: when April was in the 2nd grade, she moved in from Arkansas and everybody threw rocks at her because she talked funny and something about her teeth being brown. Jess was her only friend then. She gave her some sort of locket when her grandmother was sick, and she said, “We’d be bestest friends forever.”

Jessica then starts up that patty-cake from the day before:
“Boys are cheats and liars; they’re such a big disgrace.
They will tell you anything to get to second base-
-ball, baseball, he thinks he’s gonna score.
If you let him go all the way, then you are a (w)hor(e)-
-ticulturist studies flowers, a geologist studies rocks.
The only thing I want from you is a place to put his cock-
-roaches, beetles, butterflies, and bugs.
Nothing makes him happier than a giant pair of jug-
-gler’s an acrobat, the dancing bear is Chuck (?).
All I really want to do is forget it, no such luck.”

Then, April really believes that the man is really Jessica. They hug, but it hurts April because of Jess’ coarse beard.

Jessica spends time in April’s bathroom trying to freshen up; she’s spraying a dozen cans of Secret deodorant all over herself, and trimming hair in places where she’s now growing it – her nose, her ears – she’s afraid to look anywhere else. April uses that Nad’s wax on Jess’ beard. When Jess screams off having her beard waxed, April’s mom (actress Leila Kenzle) overhears it. Jess continues her grooming, this time plucking her eyebrows. April asks her if she has a penis, and if she could see it. She does, and it makes it to her “top five”, even though she has only seen five, not including her little brother’s.

This initiates a towel fight. During the fight, Jessica bangs her ankle onto a leg of April’s bed. She screams “MOTHERF…!” in pain. April’s mother, who heard the manly scream from upstairs, starts acting paranoid about her daughter’s hormonal imbalance. April’s father (actor Robert Davi, famous for being 007 villain Franz Sanchez from License to Kill) doesn’t mind. April’s mom shows her soap, stuck with Jessica’s masculine pubic hairs. The father thinks she needs more things to fill out her day.

Cut to a skiing lodge. Billy and his family are playing Scrabble. He gets a call from Jess, who says that they should’ve made love the other night. Billy, not aware that Jess switched bodies, thought it was “Father Mulcahy” (I guess it was a zing towards Catholicism and those sex scandals?).

The next morning, April wakes up to Jess’ face. Jessica asks if she looks beautiful or pretty. April, frightened, says “on the inside.” Later, at the mall, April tells her other friends that Jess “has a problem.” Jess reveals herself to her clique, scaring off an old lady and a child.

Cut to a scene back at April’s bedroom. The sight of Jess’ penis mesmerizes the girls. They joke around about it and how it’ll affect the votes for prom queen. There was even a Freudian slip about it. They start thinking about what could’ve caused the bodies to switch. They conclude that it could’ve been an intentional switch by someone getting revenge. They suggest making a list of people who hate Jessica. Keecia suggests that an even shorter list would be one of people who don’t hate Jess. Jessica started a pillow fight because of the tease.

Cut to a scene of April’s mom being progressively paranoid. She drinks liquor out of a coffee mug. Her husband tells her to “lay off the coffee.”

Cut back to April’s bedroom. Unaware of her manly strength, Jessica knocks her friends out with a pillow; their bodies fly into the walls, unconscious.

The next morning, April asks Jess if she had any ‘special dreams’. Jess questions the reason why she asked her that question – April points at her crotch, with a head of a giraffe doll covering it. It was Jess’ first boner.

Cut back to Jess’ house. She tries to sneak into her car, but her dad catches her and mistakes her for a Hispanic named Taquito, who works for the gardening service. As Taquito, Jess shares some male bonding moments with her dad. She says her car would look even better in red – a comment her dad remembers that she said before she became a man. Her dad explains that the whole family is falling apart at the fault of his wife. It’s revealed that her dad gave himself the “porn star trim” and shows it to Jessica, who freaks out at the sight.

Cut to a window shot of Booger, cross-dressing in her sister’s clothes and makeup. Jessica catches him doing this from outside, while mowing the lawn, and scolds him.

Later, at the school’s science lab, the fat girl from the beginning, now known as Hildenburg (actress Megan Kuhlmann), explains that it’s physically impossible for a girl to switch bodies overnight.

Jess apologizes to Hildenburg for humiliating her, and cries that she doesn’t understand the fact that she wakes up every morning and has to shave her chin. Hildenburg truly empathizes this, and they hug. Hildenburg isn’t to blame.

Then they go to Eden, the Goth. Jess shows her penis to Eden, and asks if she ever put a hex on her. Eden has put plenty of them on her, i.e. to give her dandruff, to make her bald, and to make her breasts mismatch sizes. At this point, April thinks that Eden gave her that boob curse, thus revealing her physical imperfection. Eden then thought that this curse was “Santa Ria” or something. She mentioned that this practice originated from Africa, and eventually made its way to Cuba and Brazil. Then, the girls concluded that Bianca was the one who cast the spell. To prove this, they needed to find a scorpion tattoo on her back, so they go to some club where Bianca hangs out.

Cut to a makeup room. The girls try to give Jessica a hunky makeover (good luck with that), so they remodel her to look like each one of the Backstreet Boys (better luck with that). They end up with a look for Jess modeled to look like the least possible ‘flaming’ Backstreet Boy (I believe they either made her look like Brian or Howie).

At this point, April begins to find Jess attractive as a man. She tries the yogurt drink seduction trick on the cashier. The very same cashier is disgusted that someone who looks like a thirty-year-old man is doing this, and chokes Jess until she paid the full US$8,95 for the drinks. The boss is content with his employee’s action.

Cut to a scene at the Instant Tang, Bianca’s hang-out club/spot. Michelle Branch makes a short cameo appearance as the club’s DJ. Jessica orders “two banana daiquiris, one mango, slow gin fizz, one slippery nipple,” and for her, “a screaming orgasm on the beach with extra sugar on the rim, YUM!” The bartender looks at her suspiciously, since a man is ordering all these ‘feministic’ drinks. She changes her last order to a double brewski to make herself seem more like a heterosexual male. There are other scenes similar to this where the bartender approaches and eyes Jess acting like her normal self – a heterosexual girl.

At the dance floor, Jessica discovers that Bianca doesn’t have a scorpion tattoo on her back after ripping the shirt off her back. She also ends up pop-locking (sort of) to a club remix of Mystikal’s “Shake Ya Ass”.

Later in the restroom, Jessica tries to figure out how to urinate with her penis, standing up. The restroom attendant helps her by telling her to aim for something and if she shakes it more than twice, she’s playing with it. She thanks the attendant by giving him a kiss on the cheek. She then gets into a fight with another guy. She uses her “Tae Queer Do” – scratching, biting, and pulling hair. One time she kicks the guy right between the legs. The guy returns the favor, and Jess finds out that it really does hurt to get kicked in the balls. Jess wins the fight by pulling the guy’s ponytail clean off of his scalp.

Cut back to high school. Jessica applies for a job – as the school’s janitor. April’s boyfriend, Jake (Eric Christian Olsen), who returned with Billy from the skiing trip, came by to see April. She notices that he’s wearing a scarf, so she takes it off and reveals hickeys all over his neck. He plays it off as ski rash.

Jessica (as janitor) assumes the name, “Spence”, after her surname, “Spencer”. She patronizes VP Bernard during the job interview, similar to the way she did when getting the hall passes early in the movie. She also claims that she’s a struggling musician who plays the tuba, and the VP can relate to this. Spence gets the job. It’s now revealed that the VP’s first name is “Marjorie”. Spence still has to fill out the security job form of her application, requiring her fingerprints, which are the same as those of the crook’s prints.

Cut to a scene in the school’s restroom. Spence tries to talk to Billy, who’s freaked out because it was her that called him on the ski trip.

Cut to a local pharmacy. The crook-turned-teenage-girl takes a box of Tampax. She reads the directions on the back of the box and exclaims, “I gotta do WHAT!?”

Cut back to Jess’ house. She’s bonding with the family dog, which seems to know that it’s Jess. Booger spies this from inside. Her dad wants to play some basketball with her. At first, the dad dominates ‘Taquito’, fouling her and rejecting her shots. Jess tries to ask about the relationship between her parents, but her dad doesn’t pay attention. She steals the ball and she asks when the last time they kissed. He responds, “You mean ‘kiss her’, or (tongue sticking out) ‘kiss her-kiss her’?”

Jessica then tells him to love her back yada yada yada. Then she makes her first basket in the one-on-one game. Afterwards, she starts 0W\/\1\/\9 (‘owning’) her dad in hoops. Booger, still spying Jess from inside, notices Taquito’s mannerism in shooting baskets (as Jess the girl shot her basket from the beginning of the movie, she lifts one of her legs back), and he starts to get suspicious of this. He then sees a note written by Jess that says “Studying at April’s – May spend the night. – Love, Jess.” Carol asks Booger about Jess’ ten-twenty, and he says that she just left.

While taking a break from basketball, Taquito confesses that she’s not a gardener. In tears, Jess compliments him on how good a father he is.

Cut to Eden’s house. They continue to find out what caused the body switch tragedy via the Internet. Here, it’s revealed that Jess did not eat any wolfs bane, and she had not recently had any sex with a leprechaun. On the witchcraft website (which looked fake BTW; I couldn’t see which browser they were using), Eden finds an image of a pair of earrings that were exactly the same as the ones Jess bought early in the movie.

Cut to Mambuza Treasures of the Ancient World. Madam Mambuza looks at the earring that Jess had bought a while back. Jess complains that the earrings didn’t carry the “earrings may come with penis” caution. Mambuza explains the myth behind the earrings: some princess used them to escape a bad marriage, but since she didn’t have them back together, she ended up living the rest of her life as a slave. During this explanation, dramatic drum music plays, but Mambuza tells Adam Sandler to stop playing his drums, who was “just getting into the story”. Anyways, Jess must find the other earring and unite them before the full moon ends or else she’ll be stuck in a man’s body forever (like that’ll be a bad thing to us if it happened to a preppy… ^_^ ).

The next day, the girls canvass and post flyers for the missing earring: “Reward – Lost Earring – Contact April”). Apparently, this April must be pretty damn popular not to have her phone number and/or her surname posted on these flyers.

Cut to the high school football practice. Jessica greets her boyfriend, just before he throws a pass (BTW, he’s the ‘star quarterback’ – what isn’t more typical in high school than the ‘head cheerleader’ dating the ‘star quarterback’?). Billy stares at this guy, bewildered, until he gets brutally sacked!

Cut to the boys’ locker room. Billy is about to get undressed, but sees Jessica/Spence as the janitor. Jake tells him to relax; it’s not like s/he’ll see his “ding-dong”. Billy claims that his relationship with Jess is a little rocky. Jake tells him to get a spare date – April is his spare. Spence calls him an “asshole” for comparing April to a “used car” when he’s “into that ‘new-car smell’”, but claims the remark was to whom left the used gym towels lying around. Jake eventually tells Billy that Jess is a ‘cold fish’, and Jess tells him to go to hell, even though she says it’s for whoever left the showers on. Billy disagrees; he opines that she’s ‘the most amazing girl in the world’, even though he has never been outside California. He claims that his relationship with her is more than just “sex”, it is also true love and all that icky stuff. Jake says that Billy’s spiel is “the gayest thing he’s ever heard.” Jess, hearing this, is crying behind some lockers. Jake catches her crying, so she claims that it’s because somebody pooped in the locker.

Cut to the VP’s office. Just as Marjorie walks off, her fax machine prints out police records for a criminal named Clive Maxtone. Clive is the crook whose body is now possessed by Jessica. The report is then covered by the next fax: a cover page for a newsletter titled Brook Mays Tuba News, Volume 1, Issue 1.

Cut to Jess’ bedroom. Her mother catches her rummaging through the place. She says she’s looking for her earring, which “fell into the lawnmower and ricocheted into the window of her room.” Her mother, who likes earrings, invites Jess for some lemonade.

Cut to the kitchen. Carol feeds Taquito some grilled cheese or something with her “native/Mexican flavor”, i.e. jalapeños. It’s clear to Taquito that they were too spicy, and her reaction causes Carol to laugh – a sound that she’s never heard in a long time, or to Taquito, since she started working. This causes Carol to grope her own daughter as a man, but Jess says it’s very unnatural for her “in at least five different ways” – implying that she’s attracted to men. Jess convinces her to be more attracting to Richie, so she offers to paint her toenails and wash her hair, etc., etc., a thing Jessica used to do with her mom. They daintily jump up and down towards the bathroom.

Cut to Richie returning from work. He hears his wife and Taquito moaning in a nearby bathroom. He enters, finding Taquito asexually scrubbing her mom’s back in the bathtub. He misinterprets it as an affair, so Carol tries to explain. He blames himself anyways, and so they make up and make out for their own whoopee.

Cut to April’s bedroom. April is painting Jessica’s toenails. Jake leaves April a message, trying to invite himself to her place. Before the message ends, however, Jess picks up the phone and in a manly voice, states that ‘HE’ has taken April. He also says that her penis “is way bigger” than his… “if ‘he’ folds it in half.” Then April conspires with Jess that they should go to the prom together out of revenge towards Jake – which is apparently not April’s true provocation; she thinks she’s in love with Spence, the male version of Jessica.

Jessica tries to pee again, and April’s mom overhears her pee and fart. She gets more paranoid, so she starts popping some white pills. Jess still isn’t used to peeing standing up, and ends up spraying everywhere.

Cut to a depressed Billy driving down a street. He sees Clive in Jessica’s body, and of course, confuses him for Jess. Clive thinks Billy’s a john, so he takes all his money – US$40,00, and his dad’s car. Clive leaves, calling Billy “Bobby”. Clive makes a u-turn, and tries to strike Billy down with the car. He barely misses, and Billy is still in love with that girl.

Cut to the Regional State Cheer Competition, in the middle of a cheer conducted by the Foxes, led by Bianca. Jessica’s squad, from “BHS” (apparently, the ‘B’ stands for “Bridgetown”), does the next cheer.

Jessica enters the competition… in a queen bee mascot costume. Jake recognizes her just from her mannerisms. Billy is convinced enough that Jess is the one wearing the bee costume. Jess and Billy even give each other their special blow kisses from earlier in the movie.

The Bridgetown HS squad does their little routine to some kind of a techno remix of Run DMC’s “Tricky”. This routine is unrealistic in two ways: (A) Hildenburg is in the routine, meaning the squad qualifies overweight women to be in their team; and (B) Jess does some break dancing, a skill that preppy chicks wouldn’t know.

At the end of the routine, Jessica, who’s up on top in a pyramid formation, accidentally drops her mask, and it’s revealed that she’s really a man. Billy pukes in disgust thinking that this man is really the Jessica he fell for.

The competition judges find out that Spence is really the school janitor. As per §31-C of their rulebook, any school employee is allowed to be the mascot and be part of the routine. Thus, Bridgetown was not disqualified, but rather won their little competition. Billy walks off, totally ignoring Jess. Bianca comes over to his side to console him, picking up the scraps.

Cut to Hildenburg, playing a flute. As she watches the news, she sees a report on ‘The Hot Chick bandit’, a beautiful young woman who lures men into dark alleyways, and then opens a can of whoop-ass on them, then steals their wallets. Hidden camera footage reveals that this bandit is Clive in Jess’ body.

Cut to April’s home. Hildenburg leaves her a message, finding out that she has found Jess’ body in an alleyway outside a bar. April’s mom hears this while dusting something high up near a ceiling. She misinterprets it completely, and faints out of the second story, falling into the first.

Cut to Jess’ bedroom. She enters, and finds her prom dress – a crimson dress and a matching pair of high-heels. Cut to Booger running upstairs. He hears a man crying from his sister’s bedroom. Curious, he walks in. He sees a man wearing the red dress, crying. He believes that it’s Jess – and his suspicions were right. Booger didn’t snitch on her because she’s his sister, and he accepted her as who she is (as a thirty-year-old loser of a man!? Pleazebelievit.).

Cut to VP Bernard’s office. She finally reads her faxes – the Tuba News and the Clive Maxtone police report. Upon seeing the report, she exclaims, “I smell a turd in this tuba!” accompanied by some sort of shocking music in the form of a tuba solo.

Cut to the prom. Keecia looks flattening, until her Korean mother pops in. Her mother is dressed in an urban manner. She says, “Ling-Ling, you forgot your bling-bling.” She pulls out some iced chains. This further embarrasses Keecia, even though her mother “only wants to meet her halfway.” Her mother exclaims, “N*GGA, please!” and walks away, swaggering. Sissy and Venetia were upset that their mother didn’t get them ‘bling-bling’, and they walk away saying, “GIRL, please!”

Cut to Hildenburg, at the scene of the last crime committed by the Hot Chick Bandit. She finds a clue – a matchbook from the Pole City Club.

Cut back to prom. April and Spence are a couple (yet no one notices that the janitor is dating one of the popular preppies…). Jess, of course, has no chance of being prom queen, but apparently she doesn’t care (OMG!! How can’t she!? That prom crown is more important than… oh, I don’t know… having bodies switched overnight!). Cut to VP Bernard, doing surveillance duty.

Cut to a nearby parking lot. An upset Keecia runs up to her mom. She apologizes for being upset, but questions why she always comes up and embarrasses her. Her mom tells her that she’s really ashamed of herself, and rides off in a leaping lo-lo, bouncing to “Nuthin’ But a ‘G’ Thang” by Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg.

Cut to April’s home. April’s mom, with a headache, gets a call from Carol. She finds out that Jess has never been here all week. April’s mom knows there’s something up with Jess, and she’s gonna rectify it. April’s unassuming dad threatens his wife that she’ll be committed if April’s night is ruined. She leaves, but as she backs her car up at high velocity, she collides with a truck. Her husband doesn’t even care, and goes on with his hobby.

Cut back to prom. April and Jess appear on some sort of balcony. They’re staking out Jake so he could get jealous. They finally see Jake and his prom date (actress Ashlee Simpson). Jake sees them, kissing and groping. He gets so envious; he spills his drink on his own date. Jess was “so lesbian” when she kissed her best friend. Even though April made Jake jealous, she kissed Jess again twice. It turns out that she’s head-over-heels in love with Spence.

Jess explains that she doesn’t need a guy or anyone else to know she’s beautiful/special/etc., but April is still in love, yada yada blecch. VP Bernard finally notices Spence, and she starts notifying the authorities.

Jess finally sees Billy, with Bianca as his prom date. Cut to Eden, grabbing Lulu (actress Alexandra Holden). She and Hildenburg have found where the person with Jess’ body is. They devise a plan to get Jess out of prom.

Cut to Billy and Bianca. Jess encounters Bianca and head-butts her to get to Billy. She then encounters Billy and explains that it’s really her in a man’s body. Despite knowledge of memories that only they would know, Billy still does not believe it’s Jess, especially the “Silly Billy Nilly” pet name and the time when they went behind the scoreboard and “fooled around”.

Then, OMFG, this is where the most disturbing part of this whole movie happens… Rob Schneider and Matthew Lawrence kiss each other!!! Of course, Billy is freaked out and he runs away and Jess is upset. April finds her and they run off to Jess’ real body.

Cut to a scene where Jess’ family tries to track down Jess. Booger’s wearing the red high-heels. They ride off in a police car.

Cut to an exotic dance club. Clive, in Jess’ body, is employed here. He’s brutal with the customers; a guy tries to pull off his panties, but instead gets punched right in the face. He crawls down and takes all the customers’ money. He tries to grab a US$50,00 bill, but the customer is reluctant. The customer turns out to be Jess, in Clive’s body. Clive tries to escape, but he’s suddenly surrounded by Jess’ friends in the stage. A regular customer is optimistic of having all these girls onstage.

Cut to Jess and Clive sitting together. He starts smoking a cigarette, but she breaks it off, saying it could damage *her* lungs (a subliminal anti-smoking message, perhaps?). He still needs her body so he could make another US$500,00. They negotiate on having their bodies switched. Clive needs it loaned on the weekends so he could make more money stripping. Jess was so angry, she strangles Clive to get her body back. The club owner restrains her, telling her not to strangle the dancers. He points out a light-sign that reads “NO Strangling the Dancers.” Clive walks away, still in Jess’ body.

Billy and Jake enter for their post-prom celebration. Cut back to Jess. She walks to her clique, initially sad and forlorn. But it turns out she snatched the other earring.

Cut to Jake, who’s sitting up in front of the stage, he whistles for a dancer. He sees Clive, and thinks it is Jessica. He starts dancing for Jake to the background music of “Hot in Herre” by Nelly. He steps on Jake’s manhood and takes his money before shaking Jess’ girly stuff.

Cut to Adam Sandler sitting with a stripper. He asks her where she keeps her weed. She whispers into his ear. Afterwards, Sandler claims he doesn’t have “one of those”.

Cut to Jess putting on her earrings. April gives her final good-byes to “Spence” before she returns to her normal self. April puts on Jess’ other earring and they anticipate Jess’ body to return.

Cut to the Spencer family catching Billy in the strip club. Billy acts as if he confused this place for prom.

Cut to Clive vigorously shaking his butt to Jake. He kicks Jake’s drink to his face. Cut back to Jess, still waiting for her body. Cut back to Clive about to take off his panties.

(NOTE: The bodies switch back)

Jake becomes disgusted of Clive becoming a man again (now Rob Schneider). Clive tries to escape, taking customers’ money. The proprietor catches him, and exclaims if he could read; there’s another light-sign that reads “MONDAY NIGHT IS GAY NIGHT.”

Likewise, Jessica (now Rachel McAdams) became a girl again, and all the girls hug and stuff like that. A short time later, the normal Clive is taken away by police, still wearing a bra and panties. The Spencer family is surprised to see “Taquito” be arrested. Booger finds out that his sister returned to normal.

Billy finds Jessica, who’s dressed in the tuxedo she wore before she transformed back (like anyone would notice or even care). They hug, she apologizes, but Billy says it doesn’t matter; he doesn’t care that he took Bianca to the prom, he doesn’t care what Jake thinks, and he doesn’t care about what Clive (in Jess’ body) did to him, and he’ll get over the fact that she became a stripper (because of Clive). Then Jess says he’s the only boy who makes her heart beat faster and slower simultaneously. All this is followed by a make out session. With the scene being so romantic, the victim of the Hot Chick Bandit who was televised decides not to press any charges against Jessica.

April becomes infatuated with the normal Clive. He escapes the po-po’s car and runs off. The exotic club owner tells Jessica to get back to work onstage. Her dad intervenes, saying that she’s coming back home with him and his wife. The proprietor exclaims, “Hey, what kind of place do you think I’m running here, pal?”, which is a possible subtle insinuation that he’s a pimp and Jess is a prostitute hired by her parents for a threesome.

The next day, Jessica’s class has their graduation ceremony. The valedictorian is Keecia Ling-Ling Jackson (not only is she in cheerleading and hangs out with preps, but she’s also class valedictorian!!? WTF is up with that!!?). Her speech is basically that she’s proud to be half-Korean. Here, it’s revealed that Keecia is paternally one quarter Jewish.

Cut to the families of April and Jess, being spectators in the ceremony. April’s mom, braced from a broken neck suffered after her recent car accident, tries to point out her daughter’s prom picture with the male Jess. April’s father said that she couldn’t be any more proud.

Later that night, Clive crawls out of some shrubbery, à la Rob Schneider’s past movie, The Animal. He runs out, and tries to hitch a ride from a stranger. He gets into the backseat of the car. He explains that he was just going out for a jog… in handcuffs and lingerie. The driver, who just happens to be the bartender from the Instant Tang, is thrilled to have this guy in his backseat. Apparently, he’s infatuated with Clive. His car doors lock, and he drives off with Clive as his newest boy toy. Clive, trapped in the backseat, screams in horror.
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