HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY

NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by Andy M.

The movie starts off with Harold (John Cho) in the shower with classical music going on. All of a sudden, the scene is cut short with the loud sound of bowel movements. Harold looks out from the shower and sees Kumar (Kal Penn) taking a very nasty dump next to him and reminds Harold that they just ate 30 burgers (reference to the first movie). Kumar tells Harold that their plane to Amsterdam will be leaving shortly, also reference to the first movie where Harold wants to go to Amsterdam to find Maria (Paula Garces).

As the opening credits scroll, we see Harold and Kumar packing for Amsterdam. Harold is his usual neat self and is ironing his good shirts. Kumar goes through his clothes and finds the one that doesn’t smell, doesn’t have black/brown goo in it, and his porn. While Harold’s ironing his shirts, Kumar is “pleasuring himself” to some of his magazines.

We then cut to the airport where the two are walking through the doors. Harold goes through airport security but Kumar is stopped for a “random check for drugs or weapons” by a black security worker. Kumar starts arguing the with the security worker about how he thinks this is racial profiling that because he’s a minority, they automatically believe he’s hiding drugs and comically calls the black security worker “Matthew Perry” (for not being that black). The security worker gets upset and his supervisor comes over. Kumar threatens to lodge a complaint and the supervisor lets him go.

Harold and Kumar then bump into Vanessa (Danneel Harris), Kumar’s ex-girlfriend which he broke up with 2 years ago. We find out that she’s now engaged to Colton (Eric Winter) and they’re getting married in a matter of days. Colton turned out to be pretty successful and his father works for George Bush’s office so he has connections to the presidency. In fact, the President may be coming to Colton’s wedding as well (important!). Kumar appears visibly upset while Harold seems quite friendly with Colton. They part ways as Vanessa and Colton head to Colton’s house in Texas. Now,  Harold and Kumar are on the plane and this old lady keeps looking over at Kumar. He suddenly morphs into a terrorist with a turban and a beard and laughing at her while making hand gestures that the plane is about to crash (in fact it’s all her imagination). She’s obviously paranoid. Later on the flight when the whole plane is sleeping, Harold is watching a movie but is disturbed by Kumar. He then heads to use the washroom. Kumar forces his way into the washroom and starts undoing his pants and pulling something out of his zipper. Turns out it’s weed. Harold starts calling Kumar an idiot and realizes that the reason why he made such a big fuss at airport security was because he really was carrying drugs. Kumar introduces him to his invention: the smokeless bong. It’s a device that’s made of glass and has batteries, electrodes, and rubber tubing attached to it. Harold tells him he’s an idiot and leaves. Kumar meanwhile tries to light up in the washroom.

All of a sudden, the plane hits turbulence and all the passengers wake up. The paranoid old lady sees Kumar with his smokeless bong and freaks out yelling “Terrorist!!”. Kumar runs out and tells people not to worry because it’s only a bong (which everyone hears as “bomb”). Kumar is tackled from the back by an air marshal and the bong goes flying out releasing the smoke from the weed (which everyone thinks is “poison gas”). Harold tells the air marshal to leave Kumar alone and is taken down by another air marshal. They turn the plane around and head back to America.

Meanwhile, Homeland Security Agent Ron Fox (Rob Corddry) arrives at the tarmac. He’s actually not the guy in charge but the guy in charge is ice fishing and Fox insists that ice fishing is so important that he cannot be disturbed so therefore Fox should have absolute control. He meets with the executives from various American security departments including Dr. Beecher (Roger Bart) who is from the NSA. Ron Fox is clearly crazy with power.

The next scene is Harold and Kumar locked up in an interrogation room with Harold yelling at Kumar telling him that this is all his fault. Fox asks Beecher who the guys with the “weird eyes” is (and assumes he’s handicapped) and Beecher tells Fox that he’s Korean. Fox then assumes that Harold is part of North Korea and Kumar is Al-Qaeda. After a very short interrogation where Fox makes racist remarks to the both of them (e.g. telling Harold to “zip it Hello Kitty”) Fox ships them off to Guantanamo Bay.

Harold and Kumar are now locked in a cell with Harold yelling at Kumar again. They make conversation with the inmates in the cell next to them who happen to actually really be terrorists. They start insulting each other until it’s time for their “cock meat sandwich” (which is really a blowjob that the inmates have to give to the guard). While the inmates next to Harold and Kumar are eating their cock meat sandwich, Big Bob arrives, unzips, and tells Harold and Kumar to have their cock meat sandwich. Suddenly the inmates next to them take a big bite out of their cock meat sandwich which ends up really hurting the guard. They take off and escape. Big Bob suddenly runs to the cell next door and Harold and Kumar run off and escape. We see a terrorist using a “warning high voltage electric fence” sign as a ramp to climb the high voltage electric fence. He doesn’t make it far and ends up causing a major short circuit. The power for the entire base goes down and Harold and Kumar climb over the dead terrorist to make their escape on the now regular fence. They run through the jungle and stumble across a boat full of Cubans. Asking if it goes to America and given a yes answer from the Cubans, they get on board. That was easy.

Meanwhile back in the Homeland Security HQ, Fox is yelling at his staff about how Harold and Kumar could have escaped within an hour of being locked up. He then tells them to find out if they have family and Beecher tells him he should have done that at first since he feels it was unfair. Fox grabs a photo off a worker’s desk which is of a little girl about 6 years old. He tells Beecher to take a look at the photo and asks if he wants that girl to be raped and tortured. Beecher answers no and Fox tells him that if he keeps telling Fox what to do, what he’s doing is raping America. He then throws the photo of the little girl against the wall and storms off leaving everyone in shock.

We then see Harold and Kumar arrive on the beaches of Miami. They realize that they have no ID and are fugitives. Harold and Kumar luckily have an old friend in Miami, Raza (Amir Talai). They arrive at Raza’s only to be greeted at the door by a half-naked (bottomless) woman. Harold and Kumar just keep staring at her “well kept” assets and keep stumbling for words. Finally they are let into the party where there are many other bottomless women. Harold and Kumar meet Raza standing in the pool and explained to him what happened. Raza says the person that can probably help them is Colton. Kumar agrees because this plan will involve trashing the party. He offers to lend them some clothes and a car. They ask Raza what’s with the bottomless girls walking around and Raza tells him he’s tired of the topless trend and is starting the bottomless trend (one girl takes off her bikini after coming out of the pool and Raza yells at her to put it back on because she’s only allowed to be bottomless). He then gets out of the water revealing his penis and a massive mane of pubic hair. Harold and Kumar are completely disgusted (as would pretty much everyone on the theatre).

Now Fox has Harold and Kumar’s parents together. They insist their kids are not terrorists. Fox assumes that Harold’s parents don’t even speak English and translate through a guy who doesn’t even know Korean (in fact it’s an imitation of what it might sound like). They’re insulted and Fox storms out again. The interpreter then storms out after telling Harold’s dad “Fuck you.”

We next see Harold and Kumar in new trendy clothes getting into a yellow Ford Mustang Convertible (with a really hilarious rap song about how “my penis is better than yours”).  Harold and Kumar are now driving to Texas to try to find Colton. Kumar is distracted by a Nokia smart phone which is in the car. As Harold is driving, Kumar is playing with the phone. They keep driving into the night and Harold asks Kumar where was he supposed to turn. Turns out Kumar was a bit distracted thinking about Vanessa that he completely forgot about the directions. Harold and Kumar end up in “da hood” where a bunch of black guys are playing basketball in front of them with a boombox blasting. We see this really big black guy, Jonavon White (Lester ‘Rasta’ Speight) and Harold and Kumar get scared by how big and mean he looks so Harold backs up to get out of there. Unfortunately they back into a fire hydrant and water sprays everywhere getting everyone soaked and shorting out the boombox. The black guys suddenly start walking towards Harold and Kumar, some with tire irons. Harold and Kumar make a run for it and run to the forest. It turns out the black guys were actually really nice and were about to help them change their flat tire. Jonavon  decides the responsible thing to do is to call the police.

In the morning, Ron Fox arrives at the taped-off scene of the yellow Mustang. Dr. Beecher then tells Fox that the guys matched the description of Harold and Kumar. Jonavon White is nearby and talking on a cellphone and approaches Beecher and Fox. Fox draws his weapon and orders White to drop the weapon (which is his cellphone) and threatens to shoot him. Beecher steps in and tells Fox that White is the witness so he can’t shoot him. Fox insists that the big black guy is hiding something. Beecher argues that there is nothing for him to hide since White not only has no criminal record, but he’s an orthodontist. Fox doesn’t believe him and goes to his SUV and pulls out…a can of grape soda. He then pours the soda to the ground and tells White to tell the truth otherwise he’ll keep pouring (which is very racist of Fox). It doesn’t work because well, it’s a blatant stereotype. However, Dr. Beecher points out they can find Harold and Kumar by tracing the smartphone which Kumar took while fleeing the Mustang.

Now in the forest, Harold is taking a piss while Kumar is on the smartphone talking to Goldstein (David Krumholtz). Goldstein tells him that him and Cindy Kim (reference from the first movie) got friendly and that she gave him a blumpkin (a blowjob while taking a dump on the toilet). Harold grabs the phone and tosses it into the forest telling Kumar how stupid he is for taking it with him. They continue through the forest where they stumble across a baby deer. Harold and Kumar are petting the deer when suddenly a gunshot rings out and deer blood goes all over Harold as a redneck hunter shoots the brains out on the deer. He invites Harold and Kumar to stay the night at his log cabin (which turns out to be really fancy and they’ve even got internet). Harold and Kumar meet his wife and the two insist that they should stay for dinner. Over dinner, the redneck couple joke about their inbred son being kept in the basement. Meanwhile Fox has traced the smartphone which Harold threw into the woods.

During dinner, there’s knock at the door and Harold and Kumar explain what happened. The redneck couple understands and tell them to hide in the basement. Turns out the knock at the door was just a neighbor. Meanwhile, in the basement, there really is a one-eyed inbred son who make insect like chirps.  Yup. The couple are siblings and they weren’t kidding. Harold and Kumar run out of the basement in a panic. Harold and Kumar spend the night at the cabin where Kumar has dreams of a threesome between Vanessa and the giant bag of weed (from the first movie). Meanwhile, Harold has a nightmare and goes back to sleep. Turns out that the inbred son snuck up and ended up in bed next to Harold.

Next scene is Harold and Kumar in the forest again. They have another argument with Harold kneeing Kumar in the balls. They keep going in the forest and end up in a Ku Klux Klan party. They hide behind a log but get pissed on by two Klansmen. Harold and Kumar knock them out and steal their robes. They end up being forced to join the party and tell stories about things they did to minorities that week. Harold says he kneed an Indian in the groin and Kumar says he took a Korean guy’s toothbrush and rubbed it on his penis. Unfortunately the two are busted by the Klansmen they knocked out and are chased. Fortunately for them, the Red Dragon accidentally lights himself on fire with his torch and they get away.

Ron Fox is now interrogating Harold and Kumar’s jewish friends who were the last guys to have talked to Harold and Kumar: Goldstein and Rosenberg. Goldstein demands his 5th amendment rights and Fox asks Beecher to get him a copy of the 5th Amendment which he tears out and uses to wipe his ass. He then takes a bunch of gold coins and starts pouring them on the table hoping to make Goldstein and Rosenberg talk. This is an obvious stereotype and doesn’t work…though Goldstein and Rosenberg are seen collecting the coins after Fox leaves.

Harold and Kumar end up by a road where they hitchhike. A car stops for them and it’s…Neil Patrick Harris! …who is very high. After taking a dozen mushrooms and drinking beer, NPH arrives at the Texas border where they find a roadblock set up by Ron Fox and Harold and Kumar hide under a blanket in the backseat. NPH remembers he has mushrooms left and finishes them all before Ron Fox gets to his car. Fortunately, Fox is a huge fan of NPH and is in total admiration of him. This scene’s pretty funny because NPH is extremely high as well and starts hallucinating unicorns and telling NPH that he loves him. They’re let go though because Ron Fox respects NPH too much.

Meanwhile, Vanessa is going through photos. We see her going through photos of her and Colton and then photos of her and Kumar which make her smile. Colton then walks in. Apparently he’s been going through her purse and found a joint. He tears it up and forbids her to do it since that’s the old her and she’s not going to go back to it again.

Kumar and NPH talk about Vanessa where we learn of how it all started. Kumar was a total nerd and Vanessa was a punk. They met up in the library where Kumar helped her with calculus. Kumar was trying to write a poem which he writes about the square root of three. He refuses to let her see it. They then go off to an aisle where she gives him his first joint. Kumar doesn’t like it so she inhales, then kisses Kumar. This is probably why Kumar likes weed so much. It reminds him of Vanessa. They start making out in the library and a younger (punkier) Harold walks past them. NPH talks about his love that got away and decides they should head to a whore house. At the whore house, NPH offers to pay for Harold and Kumar. He picks the woman with the largest tits while Kumar picks two girls. Harold refuses to pick any girl. Kumar goes off to a room leaving Harold behind.

While Kumar is getting his girls to undress and make out with each other, Harold is seated complaining about Kumar to the other girls. One girl suggests that since Kumar won’t even say sorry, he’s not even a friend. We actually then see Kumar balling his eyes out and crying with two topless girls because he feels bad for what he’s done though. Suddenly this is all cut short by a scream. Turns out NPH branded the butt cheek of the whore he was with.  Harold and Kumar make a dash for the car and yell for NPH to hurry up and get out of there. As NPH runs out, he’s shot in the back by the whore house owner and her shotgun. She shoots out the rear window of the car and Harold and Kumar drive off.

It’s the next morning and the two are still on the road. Harold goes through NPH’s stuff and finds weird things like a mask and lots of mace. Harold tells Kumar to stay in the car while Harold goes in to talk to Colton. We see Vanessa sneak out and under a rock in the garden, she has hidden several joints and starts smoking one. While smoking, she breaks a heel on her shoe and falls. Kumar runs out of the car and helps her up. He is diagnosing her ankle doctor style and starts massaging it when Harold and Colton arrive. Harold is angry that Kumar didn’t stay in the car but Colton seems nice. He says he will take care of it all.

Colton drives them to an airport hanger where he claims his private jet will take them back home to New Jersey. Kumar tells Colton that he thought Colton was a jerk but he realizes how nice he is. …until Ron Fox holds a gun up to Harold and Kumar. Turns out Colton ratted out Harold and Kumar and gave them up to Ron Fox. This way they won’t be ruin his wedding. Yes, Colton’s a jerk.

Harold and Kumar are put on a plane and to drown out their complaining, Fox puts on a pair of headphones and air drums to his music while eating malt balls. Harold and Kumar are then arguing but Kumar apologizes and Harold, remembering what one of the girls at the whore house told him, decide to accept his apology and become friends. They bring up the topic about smuggling weed onto the plane. The two guards sitting next to them overhear this and ask if they have weed. Harold tricks them by saying they have weed but really he takes the mace he found from NPH’s stuff and maces the guards. Fox is completely oblivious and only notices them when they’re about to escape. He draws his gun on them but is taken down by Dr. Beecher who tells Fox that he’s sick and tired of being mistreated. He tells Harold and Kumar it’s over but slips on the spilt malt balls and ends up opening the hatch and falling out of the plane. Harold and Kumar are also sucked out and freefall. Since Harold’s the only guy with the parachute, Kumar ends up grabbing onto Harold. Fox ends up jumping out of the plane too, gun in hand, and starts shooting at Harold and Kumar. Harold deploys the parachute and Fox falls to his death.

Harold and Kumar then come crashing down onto a log cabin which belongs to George W. Bush (James Adomian). George Bush comes into the room and asks what they’re doing but hears Dick Cheney tell him it’s time to go the wedding (presumably Colton’s). Bush tells them to quickly hide in the guest room (which is filled with video games and lots of weed). The three of them end up getting high smoking weed and laughing it out. George W. Bush tells them that he feels like he’s trying to continue his father’s legacy and Kumar tells him to stand up for himself which prompts Bush to call his dad (George Bush Sr.) and tells him “fuck you dad”. Harold and Kumar explained what happened and Bush pardons them and asks if there’s anything else they need.

We cut to the scene of Colton’s wedding. The wedding has just begun and Vanessa has just walked down the aisle. Suddenly, four guys in black suits with radios come in, presumably the President’s security. Colton assumes it’s George Bush which he invited to the wedding but in walks Harold and Kumar. Colton orders his security to take them away but it turns out that the President's security is on Harold and Kumar’s side so they don’t do anything. Colton decides to do it himself and goes after the two which prompts Kumar to knee him in the balls (just like he did with Kumar earlier).

Vanessa is angry at Kumar for really embarrassing her. Kumar tells Vanessa that he won’t make her become anything that she isn’t but it’s not enough. He decides to embarrass himself to make her feel better and so he recites the square root of three poem that he wrote when he first met her (which she wasn’t able to see). She remembers it all and they kiss. They run out of the wedding and head to Amsterdam where Harold goes to find Maria.

At Amsterdam, Harold is checking all the hotels but with no luck (then again he only has a drawing of Maria which he drew himself). When he was about to give up, he sees in the window inside a store Maria…and another man stroking her face passionately. Vanessa and Kumar insist he should go in and fight for her so he does. He bursts in and tells the guy off but it turns out it was just a photoshoot. Maria’s a model (remember Harold had no idea what she did for a living before) and the guy in the photoshoot with her is gay. Harold tells Maria that he came to Amsterdam because he couldn’t wait the ten days for her to return and she tells him that she kept thinking about him too. They kiss but are interrupted by Kumar and Maria who introduce themselves. The four of them go off to get high and enjoy Amsterdam while the credits begin to scroll.

If you stay right to the very end, after the credit scroll, we see NPH isn’t dead. He gets up and goes “What the fuck?”


*CUT TO THE CHASE*
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Picking up immediately where the first movie left off, Harold (John Cho) and Kumar (Kal Penn) have decided to get on a plane to Amsterdam to surprise Harold's crush Maria (Paula Garces). On the plane, Kumar is mistaken for a terrorist due to his smoke less bong invention resembling a bomb and passenger paranoia. They are quickly arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay without even being allowed to explain themselves thanks to an incompetent and overzealous Homeland Security agent, Ron Fox (Rob Corddry).

They escape Guantanamo and get back to the United States with some Cuban refugees. There, they realize that they can get help from Colton (Eric Winter), the fiancee of Kumar's ex Vanessa (Danneel Harris). After numerous mis-adventures, including meeting up with Neil Patrick Harris (Neil Patrick Harris) and watching him be murdered (!) at a whore house, they two get to Texas where the Colton and Vanessa's wedding is taken place. Harold talks to Colton and looks like everything will be smoothed out.

Taken them to a airport, Harold thanks Colton profusely for helping them, and Kumar admits he is not a bad guy. Just then Ron Fox and numerous agents show up; Colton sold them out. On a plane back to Guantanamo Bay, they knock out their guards and grab a parachute. Ron Fox notices and pulls a gun but is stopped by Dr. Beecher (Roger Bart) who has had enough of his crap. Beecher tells Ron he is part of the reason that everyone hates America; he is a moron who jumps to conclusions before checking the facts. Beecher tells the guys everything will be all right but slips on malt balls and opens the plane hangar, causing him to fall to his death. Harold and Kumar have to hold on to each other as Ron Fox jumps out the plane without a parachute and shoots at then, also falling to his death.

They land in the house of George Bush, and after smoking weed with him, is told they will be pardoned. Kumar asks for help to get to the wedding. There, Harold and Kumar expose Colton for the liar he is and beat him up. Vanessa is mortified and to calm her and prove he loves her, Kumar recites the square root of three poem he wrote years ago but never told her. They kiss and the three of them escape before it gets really awkward.

Harold, Kumar, and Vanessa finally go to Amsterdam to track down Maria. Harold finds her not only discovers that she has been thinking about him but she doesn't find him following her to Amsterdam to be creepy but actually very sweet. The two happy couples go off and smoke pot as the credits roll. 

NOTE: Nicholas writes in to say...
After full credits roll, NPH is shown puling himself up of the ground saying, "What the Fuck?"