NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by Marcus.
Machete a white guy picks up Machete (Danny Trejo) and wants him to assassinate someone. When Machete is about to kill his target, he’s double-crossed by the white guy and shot. Machete survives and asks his priest (Cheech Marin) for help in killing everyone. Machete and the priest go on a killing rampage, and Machete even gets with the white guy’s wife and daughter in their pool. The trailer ends as Machete attaches a machine gun to his motorcycle and is launched in the air, blasting away the bad guys. Directed by Robert Rodriguez.
The film begins with Cherry Darling (Rose McGowan) dancing at a Go-Go bar during the opening credits. As she finishes, she cries. Her boss gets upset with her for crying again. Cherry says that she is quitting, though she says that once a week. She takes her pay and leaves. Cherry walks down a road and is almost run over by a convoy of military vehicles on their way to an old military base, led by scientist Abby (Naveen Andrews) and Lt. Muldoon (Bruce Willis). They get to the base, where Abby expresses his disappointment that his three specimens have escaped. The man in charge pleads for him to spare him, but Abby wants his balls and takes out a big jar full of testicles that he collects. The man is held down, and Abby cuts off his balls to add it to his collection, and then shoots him. Muldoon and his men are all wearing gas masks, and their supply of gas runs out. They are all forced to breathe without them, and Bruce asks where the shit is. Abby says that it’s all there on the base, and kick starts a shootout. His jar of balls is destroyed and he’s hit by a car, landing face first into testicles. His men are shot to death by Muldoon’s troops, and he again asks where the shit is. Muldoon’s face starts to boil and Abby says that it’s all around them. He grabs a pistol and blasts a gas canister open, spreading gas everywhere. Some men are unfortunate and walk through the gas, melting into a gooey mess. However, Muldoon and his men walk into the gas and enjoy it while Abby escapes in a vehicle.
Dr. William Block (Josh Brolin) and his wife Dr. Dakota Block (Marley Shelton) prepare for work as their son plays with his toy and eats his meal. While Doc Block is in another room, Dakota text messages someone and makes plans to rendezvous with them later that night. Block is clearly suspicious, but she acts like nothing’s wrong. The babysitters will arrive soon for their kid. They go to their hospital, where Block immediately is needed for a patient named Joe (Nicky Katt), who’s been bitten in the arm and now the wound is infected. Block looks at his nasty wound while another doctor looks through pictures of severe infections to try and figure out what Joe has. His temperature is high, and when Block makes Joe open his mouth he is startled that his tongue is infected as well. Block squeezes a boil, making the blood spurt onto his glasses. The infection on his arm is spreading, so he calls in Dakota and tells Joe that he’s going to sever his arm. Dakota has three needles and injects Joe with all of them, making him pass out. Elsewhere, Cherry goes to J.T’s (Jeff Fahey) restaurant on a hill, where she is the only customer. Tammy (Stacy Ferguson) also pulls into J.T’s, where her car has overheated again. She splashes water over her engine while J.T. tries to persuade her to order something inside. Tammy gets her car working again and leaves as Wray (Freddy Rodriguez) arrives in his truck. J.T.’s dog eats at the counter as he welcomes Wray, and J.T. points out that Cherry is his only other customer that night. Turns out Wray and Cherry have a history together, and she’s wearing his jacket. They briefly talk about their past, and Cherry states that she wants to become a stand-up comedian. Their flame for each is other is clearly still there, and Cherry catches a lift with Wray.
Back at the hospital, more and more people are coming in with boils and infections. The doctors don’t know what the hell is going on. Tammy’s listening to a radio broadcast dedicated to the memory of Jungle Julia when her car breaks down near the military base, and while she tries to hitch a ride she’s attacked by sickos, who tear her apart and drag her body off the road. Wray and Cherry see them dragging the body, but think that it’s another dead deer. Wray says that it’s best to run right through a deer if it’s in front of you, because any swerving might kill you. Wray runs down a sicko, and loses control of his truck. The truck rolls over until it’s upside down, and Cherry gets after him for swerving. Sickos grab Cherry and take her to the woods. Wray grabs a rifle and runs after her. By the time Wray catches up with them, the sickos have eaten Cherry’s leg. Wray shoots the sickos, but they don’t die. He puts Cherry in his truck and speeds off to the hospital. Doc Block asks Wray what happened when Sheriff Hague (Michael Biehn) arrives with Deputy Carlos (Carlos Gallardo) and Deputy Tolos (Tom Savini). Hague asks Wray why he has a rifle, and arrests him as more sick people show up. Block calls Dakota over again and shows her Tammy’s corpse. A doctor calls her a no-brainer, since she’s missing the back of her head and her brain. Dakota gets upset and cries in a room while Block follows her. He knows that Tammy and Dakota used to have a relationship, and that they were going to run off that night. Block grabs one of Dakota’s needles and stabs her hands with it, causing her hands to become numb. Before he can kill her, Block is called away by another doctor. Block locks Dakota in a room and the other doctor tells him that all the dead bodies are gone. As Block walks down a hallway, he looks into a room where Joe has turned into a sicko and walks towards him with a saw. Joe cuts Block’s glasses, but the electric saw stops working when he walks too far away from the outlet. Instead, Joe bursts a boil on his face and smears his blood all over Block’s face, infecting him. Also, Cherry wakes up and is depressed over he severed leg.
At the police station, Hague keeps asking Wray who he really is when he gets a call from his brother J.T. There are people loitering in front of his restaurant and aren’t customers. J.T. tells Hague never mind, since the people are coming in. Turns out the people are sickos, and they attack J.T. Tolos bursts into the police station and says that a man bit off his finger. When the cops go outside to investigate, they see that the sicko has escaped from Tolos’ cop car. Carlos finds Tolos’ ring on the ground, but no finger. As he gives Tolos his ring back, Carlos is bitten on the arm and attacked by sickos. Before they know it, Carlos is gruesomely eaten by the sickos. Hague and Tolos shoot the sickos, but more show up. Hague and Tolos fight them off as Wray stays inside the station. Tolos is thrown hard against a car, but lives. More officers show up and blast away the sickos. Wray says that he’s going to the hospital to get Cherry, and Hague tells him that they’ll take his car. Hague’s car explodes, and so the remaining cops get into the back of Wray’s truck and head towards the hospital.
Earl McGraw (Michael Parks) feeds his sick wife some soup. He looks away for a second, and when he looks back she’s turned into a sicko. Dakota throws herself out of a window, landing in trash outside of the hospital. She goes to her car, but her hands are still numb. She puts her hand through the handle on her car door and kicks the door open, but loses her balance and falls, breaking her hand. Dakota gets into the car and puts her keys in with her mouth, then drives off and runs into a lot of cars. As she leaves, Wray and the cops show up. Wray tries to grab a gun, but Hague won’t let him. Instead, he grabs a couple of knives and runs into the hospital as the cops fight the sickos outside. Wray slices and dices all the sickos in his path, and eventually makes it to Cherry’s room. He tells her to come with him, but she can’t walk. Wray tells her to suck it up and breaks a table, shoving its leg into Cherry’s stump. Cherry awkwardly walks with Wray through the hospital as he protects her from the sickos. They meet up with Hague, and they make their way to J.T.’s. When they get there, they see J.T. with his intestines out. Upon further inspection though, it turns out J.T. was merely sleeping with some sausages on top of his body.
Meanwhile, the crazy babysitter twins talk on the phone while Dakota’s son plays with his toys. Dakota comes home and the babysitter twins get pissed at her because her friend didn’t show up to take her son, and they have shit to do. Dakota kicks them out of her house and tells her son that they have to leave, but before they do he takes every pet he has with them. While Dakota and her son are in their car, the crazy babysitter twins attack them with shovels and smash the windshield. She speeds off, causing one of the twins to land hard on the ground. Dakota drives to Earl McGraw’s house, and gives her son a pistol. She tells him that if anyone other than her comes to the car, shoot them in the head like in his video games. He asks what if it’s dad, and she tells him especially if it’s him. Before she leaves, Dakota tells him to be careful or he’ll shoot his own face off. As Dakota walks to the house, she hears a gunshot. She runs to the car to find that her son accidentally shot himself in the head. Her grief is broken up by Block showing up, having turned into a sicko. He holds her by the hair, but she rips herself away from him and knocks on the door. Earl, Dakota’s father, lets her in after he killed his wife. Back at J.T.’s, while everyone recuperates and think about what to do, Cherry and Wray go to J.T.’s bedroom to talk. Wray says that the reason he looked for his jacket so much is because of what’s inside it. Cherry looks through it and finds a wedding ring which has “two against the world” etched into it. Wray was going to propose to her, but she left him. As Wray and Cherry have sex…
The film is broken up and stops. A title card comes up saying that the film is missing a reel, and the theater apologizes for the inconvenience. When the film starts again Hague has apparently accidentally been shot in the neck by Tolos, more survivors have showed up at J.T.’s (babysitter twins, Cherry’s boss, Dakota, Earl, e.t.c…), and J.T.’s is now on fire. Also, Wray evidentially told Hague who he really is, which prompts Hague to give his pistol to him. Tolos is against it, but Hague wants Wray to have all the guns. Wray spins around pistols and becomes the leader of the group. The survivors go outside and see that they’re surrounded by the sickos. They unload into them, but more keep on coming. Somewhere along here Tolos is ripped apart by the sickos. They go back inside and Wray says that someone needs to retrieve his truck so that they can leave. Cherry volunteers and hobbles out as Wray covers her. Cherry drives Wray’s truck into the restaurant and Hague gets into the driver’s seat. The others pile into the back while Cherry’s boss gets into J.T.’s roofless car with the babysitter twins and Dakota. Cherry rides the motorcycle, and Earl stays behind to cover them as they leave. After they break through the sickos, the survivors stop at Dakota’s car and pull out a small racer out of the trunk. Dakota rides with Cherry as Wray leads the way on the tiny vehicle. They shoot more sickos while Hague runs them over with the truck. J.T.’s dog unfortunately jumps out of the truck and is run over as well. The survivors get to a bridge, where sickos are blocking their path. They don’t have enough bullets, but the sickos are shot to death by Muldoon and his men. Muldoon knows who Wray is, and has his men knock him out.
When Wray wakes up, he finds himself locked up with the other survivors in the military base (Abby is there as well). The Rapist (Quentin Tarantino) and another military guy grab Cherry and Dakota. Wray tries to help, but is beaten up. On the elevator ride down, the Rapist stops the elevator and takes off his gas mask. He threatens Cherry with his pistol while his face starts to boil. The other military guy tells him to put his mask back on, and when he does his face becomes normal again. Abby tells Wray about the gas, and that a small percentage of people are immune to it. Abby has been working on a cure, but was stopped by Muldoon and his men, who are stealing the gas for whatever reason. Wray and J.T. try to overpower the guards, but J.T. winds up shot in the stomach. The last guard orders Wray to give up his gun, but he flips it and shoots the guard dead. Wray tells everyone to stay there, and goes off with Abby to find the girls. Wray and Abby comes across Muldoon in front of a gas canister, and shoot his soldiers dead. Muldoon reveals that he killed Osama Bin Laden, but when he killed him he was exposed to a deadly gas along with his troops. Muldoon promised to do whatever he could for them, and so they continually need to breathe in the gas or else they’ll turn into sickos. He takes off his mask and turns slowly turns into a nasty human blob. Wray and Abby shoot Muldoon to death.
Cherry is depressed that she won’t be a stand-up comedian, but Dakota gives her some words of wisdom. The Rapist and his friend show up again, and the Rapist wants Cherry to dance. Cherry hobbles around and cries while the Rapist turns on some music. He takes off his mask again and prepares to rape her when Cherry trips him and stabs him through the eye with her wooden leg. He’s not dead though, and since she gave him wood he’s looking to return the favor. The Rapist drops his pants and everyone is disgusted. When he looks down, he sees that his penis is melting off. His friend urges him to put his gas mask on, but the Rapist says that he’ll just have to make it a quickie. Wray and Abby save the girls, but Cherry is bent out of shape over breaking her leg. Wray says that he has something for her, and attaches a machine gun to her stump. Cherry shoots the Rapist dead and blast opens a door to kill three more sicko military guys.
Wray, Abby, Cherry, and Dakota grab a bunch of guns and arm the survivors. They plan to blow up the military base, and they leave the detonator with J.T. and Hague. The survivors make their way outside and start to kill off the sicko soldiers. Wray drives a motorcycle with Cherry in the back, who unloads her machine gun leg into everyone. J.T. tells Hague the recipe he uses for his meat, and Hague dies after writing it down. J.T. then presses the detonator, blowing up parts of the base including himself. The survivors plan to get to the helicopters, but it’s behind a series of walls. Apart from Wray, Cherry’s boss is the only one that can fly. Abby says that he’ll take care of the sicko soldiers behind the walls, but has his head blown off. Cherry launches herself off the ground with her grenade launcher and blows up a bunch of sickos mid-air. When she lands, she rolls around and blasts them away. The survivors make it behind the walls and fight the sickos. One of them shoots a rocket at Cherry, but she dodges it and blows him up. All looks well, and Cherry watches the base burn but doesn’t notice a sicko soldier behind her. Wray and the soldier unload into each other, and Cherry runs to the dying Wray. While the survivors get into a helicopter, Dakota runs into another one and is confronted by Block again. Earl shows up and shoots Block to death. Everyone gets into the helicopter and Cherry’s boss flies it, but not before he cuts through a group of sickos with the helicopter. Wray tells Cherry to go to the ocean, turn her back to the sea, and fight. Wray dies, and Cherry grabs onto a lowered rope from the helicopter and takes off.
Some time later, Cherry tells us via voice-over that she’s found other survivors, and that they took Wray’s advice and settled down near the ocean. A sicko pops out to attack a kid when Cherry blasts him away with her new chain-machine gun attached to her leg. The film ends with Cherry and her baby daughter being happy, two against the world.
Werewolf Women of the SS a diabolical film about Hitler’s real plan on making a superhuman race of werewolves. Starring Udo Kier, Tom Towles, Bill Moseley, Sheri Moon Zombie, and Nicholas Cage as Fu Manchu. Directed by Rob Zombie.
Don’t a foreign spook film about a haunted mansion. The trailer repeatedly says the title (“if you’re thinking about seeing this movie alone don’t”), and you see ghosts/zombies/ghouls in the house. Directed by Edgar Wright.
Thanksgiving a slasher flick about a killer who attacks on Thanksgiving. A town parade is disrupted by the killer decapitating someone. A cheerleader undresses while jumping on a trampoline. The killer grabs her boyfriend and the naked cheerleader falls onto a knife through her vagina. Jordan Ladd gives Eli Roth a blowjob in a car, unaware that he’s been decapitated. She swallows, and his head is dropped on the windshield. Jay Hernandez tells Ladd to relax and says that he’ll take care of her. She kisses him, and finds that he also has been decapitated. A cop licks blood from a decapitated body and tells Michael Biehn that it’s blood. The killer ties down a family over Thanksgiving dinner and reveals a human turkey. The trailer ends as the killer has sex with the turkey. Directed by Eli Roth.
The opening titles come up as Shanna (Jordan Ladd) and Arlene (Vanessa Ferlito) drive around in their car. Jungle Julia (Sydney Tamiia Poitier) gets dressed, sits on her couch, and smokes her bong. Shanna and Arlene pick up Jungle Julia, and they drive around while talking about boys and drugs. They scream every time they see a billboard with Jungle Julia on it. They go to a bar, and as they enter Arlene sees a black car stopped in the middle of the street. The driver watches the girls and then speeds off down the road. Inside, the girls are approached by Jungle Julia’s friend. They all make it apparent that Jungle Julia talked a little about Arlene on the radio earlier. She said that she was going out with her friends that night, and if anyone sees Arlene then they should approach her and give her a drink. When they do, they have to look her in the eyes and recite a little poem. If they do all that and call her butterfly, then Arlene will give them a lap dance. Arlene gets after Jungle Julia for saying that on the air, but she says that if she doesn’t do it everyone will know that she’s chicken shit. Jungle Julia makes a deal with her though if it’s an unattractive guy, then Arlene can say that she was already approached and already gave the lap dance. She can give it to whoever she wants.
The girls drink and then go to another bar run by Warren (Quentin Tarantino), where they continue to drink up a storm. Dov (Eli Roth) and his friend join the girls and drink with them. Jungle Julia spends some time alone, text messaging a guy and telling him that she’s waiting for him. She then rejoins her friends just as Warren buys them all shots. Arlene has had enough and goes outside to smoke a cigarette. Warren notices that a light in the parking lot is off, and tells a bartender to turn it on. When they do, Arlene sees the black car from before parked in the lot. We are thus introduced to Stuntman Mike (Kurt Russell), sloppily eating nachos at the bar. Dov and his friend want to have sex with the girls, but they’re going to a house where there are no boys allowed. Dov plans to get the girls extra drunk so that they will let them come over as well, and then they’ll get laid. Dov makes fun of Stuntman Mike, since he’s wearing a retro jacket. Also at the bar is Pam (Rose McGowan), who Jungle Julia has a little rivalry with. Pam asks Warren if he knows anyone dependable who can give her a lift home when a set of keys slide across the bar. Stuntman Mike offers to drive her home, but she’ll have to wait until he’s ready to leave. Pam asks if he’ll be sober enough to drive later on, but Stuntman Mike says that he doesn’t drink alcohol, which prompts her to ask why he’s hanging around a bar for hours. Stuntman Mike says that the bar offers more than alcohol, like women and nachos.
Lanna Frank (Monica Staggs) shows up and hangs out with Jungle Julia. At one point they go outside and smoke some pot when Stuntman Mike introduces himself to Jungle Julia. He pretends not to know who she is, even though there’s a big billboard of her right next to them. She offers him some pot, but he declines. It looks like he’s about to sneeze for the longest time, but he doesn’t. He excuses himself and goes back inside, making the girls think he’s a loser. Inside, Pam has been talking to Warren and neither knows which films Stuntman Mike has been in. He gives a whole laundry list of titles and actors, but Pam is not familiar with any of them. Later on, Jungle Julia asks Arlene if she wants the boys to come with them back to the house but she says no. Stuntman Mike approaches Arlene with a drink, looks her dead in the eyes, recites the poem, and calls her butterfly. Jungle Julia says that Arlene already did the lap dance earlier. Stuntman Mike asks if it’s his scar that frightens Arlene, but it’s his car she recognizes it from earlier. Jungle Julia again tells him that she already did the lap dance, but he sees right through her. He knows that Arlene feels a little hurt that no one approached her before him to recite the poem, and smooth talks her. He then pulls out a book that has the names of all the people he’s met, and says that he’s going to have to put Arlene’s name under “chicken shit”. Arlene is enticed by him, and agrees to give him the lap dance. She tells him to go inside and get ready when…
Another message about a missing film reel comes up from the theater owner. When the film starts again, everyone is leaving the bar. Arlene apparently did give Stuntman Mike a lap dance, and he’s going to drive Pam home (though she says that she won’t have sex with him, which he hears). Pam is a little freaked out by his black car, which has a skull and bones on the hood. Stuntman Mike assures her that the car is death proof and is reinforced on all sides. He opens the passenger door for her when she notices that there’s barely a seat and there’s a barrier between the driver’s seat. She sits down and he slams the door shut. As they begin to leave, Stuntman Mike sees Jungle Julia and her friends going left. He asks Pam which way she’s going. She’s going right, but he tells her that it’s too bad because they’re both going left. Had Pam been going left, she wouldn’t have been scared for a while, but because she’s going right she’s going to be scared immediately. Stuntman Mike slams the gas and speeds off to the left. He swerves around hard, causing Pam to be thrown around in her seat. She’s bloodied, and she begs for him to stop and tell her this is a joke. He tells her that this car is 100% death proof, but in order to get the benefit of it she really needs to be sitting in the driver’s seat. Stuntman Mike slams on the brakes, causing Pam to smash her head on the dashboard. She painfully dies as he watches. He then lowers his visor to pull out photos of Jungle Julia, Arlene, and Shanna. He throws out the photos and speeds off towards the girls.
Lanna drives the girls as Jungle Julia puts her leg out of the window in the front passenger seat. Shanna and Arlene are seated in the back. Everyone is drunk and wasted, and Jungle Julia blasts a song on the radio. Stuntman Mike catches up and speeds ahead of them. While the girls enjoy the song, Stuntman Mike swerves the car around up ahead in the road and turns off his lights. He revs the engine and speeds off towards the girls head-on. Stuntman Mike turns on his lights at the last possible moment, but it’s too late for the girls. Shanna is launched from the car and dies from the impact. Lanna’s face is smashed against the steering wheel. Jungle Julia is mangled and her severed leg goes flying. And as Stuntman Mike’s car goes through their car, his wheels brutally take off Arlene’s face. Stuntman Mike is brought to the hospital, where Earl McGraw and his son Edgar McGraw (James Parks) ask Dr. Dakota Block how the patient is doing. Earl gives his daughter some lip about having her last name being Block, which makes Dakota storm off. Earl tells Edgar that he thinks Stuntman Mike premeditated the car crash, but he of course can’t prove it. Even though he was injured in the crash, he sustained minor injuries.
Some time later Abnerathy (Rosario Dawson), Kim (Tracie Thoms), and Lee (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) pick up Zoe Bell (Zoe Bell) from the airport. Stuntman Mike takes pictures of all of them and watches from a distance. The girls work in the movie industry, with Zoe and Kim being stuntwomen and Lee being an actress (who’s stuck wearing a cheerleader uniform). They have the next few days off, and so they plan to party. They discuss boys and Abnerathy almost sleeping with the director on their way to a restaurant. While eating, it’s made clear that Lee is not too bright and Kim carries a gun around. Abnerathy tells her that people who carry guns are more likely to get shot, and recommends other weapons to carry (pepper spray, knife, e.t.c….). Kim says that when she does her laundry at midnight, she doesn’t want to get raped so she carries around a gun. People who use knives get shot to hell. Zoe and Kim also talk about Vanishing Point, and what a great movie it is. There is someone who put out an ad for the same make/model of the car from Vanishing Point, and Zoe wants it.
The girls drive to the owner’s house, where Jasper (Jonathan Loughran) keeps the car out back. Zoe wants to test drive the car without Jasper, and wants to do a stunt with Kim, who does not want to do it. Zoe finally convinces her to do it when she offers to be her back breaking slave for the next few days. Abnerathy wants to join in, but Kim and Zoe tell her that she’s a mother so she can’t. Abnerathy is tired of that excuse and will do whatever they’re doing. They all can’t go though, since the plan relies on Jasper letting them take the car without him. Abnerathy however talks with Jasper and convinces him to let them take his car without him. She tells him where they’re staying and their full names so he can track them. Also, she’s going to leave Lee behind so that she can possibly give him a blowjob. Jasper happily agrees, and the girls leave the confused Lee behind with Jasper. They stop the car in the middle of the road, and Kim and Zoe discuss who’s going to do it first. Zoe will start off on top, and ties her belt around a door. Kim ties Abnerathy’s belt around the other door. The girls speed down the road with the windows down, and Zoe climbs out the window onto the roof. From there, she holds onto the belts and lies down on the hood while Kim races the car through the road. Abnerathy is nervous at first, but slowly enjoys herself. All the while Stuntman Mike watches them with his binoculars. He laughs and speeds off towards the girls.
Stuntman Mike smashes into the back of the car, which freaks them out. He continually smashes his car against theirs, causing Zoe to gradually lose her grip on the belts. It gets to the point where Zoe has to hold onto the hood, but she continually struggles to stay on while Stuntman Mike smashes their car. Eventually, he smashes their car so much that it causes them to swerve onto the shoulder of a road near the woods. Stuntman Mike gets out of his car with glee and says that it was fun. Kim pulls out her gun and shoots him in the arm. He speeds off down the road while Abnerathy and Kim are shaken up and cry over Zoe, who was ejected from the hood into the woods. Zoe however pops up and tells them that she’s okay, even enjoying it a little bit. The girls plan to get back at their attacker. Zoe grabs a metal pole and hops in the window of the car while Kim speeds down the road. Stuntman Mike stops in the middle of the road, wailing in pain over his bullet wound. He drinks a lot of alcohol and pours some on his arm. The girls smash into the back of his car, and Zoe smashes his windows out. She jabs his arm and head with the pole and Stuntman Mike speeds off again. Zoe, Kim, and Abnerathy chase after him down the highway and through back roads. The tables have turned and Kim now continually smashes into Stuntman Mike’s car. Their chase causes other drives to swerve out of control, along with a biker who’s sent flying off his bike. The girls eventually cause Stuntman Mike’s car to lose control and flip over. They get out of their car and drag him out of his. Abnerathy, Kim, and Zoe beat Stuntman Mike to death with their bare hands. The film ends just as Abnerathy lands the death blow by smashing his face in with her boot.