DOOMSDAY

SPECIAL NOTE FROM DAN (THE MOVIE SPOILER): I normally don't put in spoilers that offer opinions unless they're something special...like this one.

NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by Mike Bobbitt who says... "I'm a touring comedian and saw this today on the road with my friend who was very hesitant and only agreed after he made a list of 20 clichés for movies of this genre.  He wanted to see how many he was right about…it ended up being 11 out of 20.  The movie was fun and better than he expected!"

In the first cliché, Malcolm McDowell as Doctor Kane gives us a cheesy voice over setting up the story.

2008, the Reaper plague has infected Scotland.  The government builds a wall around the country to quarantine the infected.   When the wall is being shut, panic ensues and the army opens fire on those inside.  A young Eden is wounded and loses her eye.  She is put on a helicopter by her mother to be airlifted out with the army.  Eden’s mom gives her a note so she’ll remember her.

2035, Eden (Rhona Mitra) now leads a police group called the DDS.  She’s able to take out her artificial eye and look around corners via her Dick Tracey wristwatch.   Eden is leading a group to raid some baddies on a boat.  Eden’s commanding officer gets his head blown off by the bad guy leader in the first of very many extremely bloody moments…there was more blood spraying in this movie than in a Gwar concert!  Eden has recorded the whole thing with her artificial eye so when questioned by her superior, Bill Nelson (Bob Hoskins) she’s able to just give him a mini-disc of the whole event.   When he approaches her, she’s nostalgically looking at the note her mother left her.

The Reaper Virus has spread to England.  The Prime Minister (Alexander Siddig) along with obviously double crossing number 2, Canaris (David O’Harra and cliché number 2!) ask Nelson if he knows of someone who can lead a group into Scotland to find Kane or at least where he was last at to see if he found a cure for the virus.  So Nelson sends Eden on the job.

Eden is teamed up with a small military group, which includes the insolent team member (cliché 3) who doesn’t immediately warm up to having Eden as a new leader.  The group heads into Scotland to find the hospital where Kane was working.  Inside they’re ambushed by a band of punk rock looking thugs who looked like they got their wardrobe from the Road Warrior movie.  The Road Warriors do some pretty hardcore damage to the group and capture Eden.

Eden is taken to the group leader named Sol (Craig Conway).  He has Eden bound from the ceiling and questions her, beats on her and makes creepy advances on her (cliché 4).  She tells him that they’re there to find Kane.  Sol is upset and reveals that Kane told everyone inside Scotland that there was nothing left in the outside world and it was pointless for Sol to keep sending his troops to the wall to try to get out.

Sol has a super hot and tattooed girlfriend named Viper (Leeanne Leibenberg).   Viper smashes a tracking device that Eden was carrying with her.  Sol goes out to his troops and has a twisted vaudeville show that involves hot chicks in fishnets dancing to what I seem to remember being 80s pop music.  I don’t remember what song it was, but it totally should’ve been Duran Duran’s “Wild Boys” since Sol’s crib really looked like that video.  After that, large men in kilts do a can-can dance.  The big finale is one of Eden’s troops being cooked over a large fire so Sol’s group can eat his meat i n a cannibal orgy.

Eden comes on to one of the guards (cliché 5) and escapes.  Viper conveniently pops up so they can have their obligatory chick fight.  Cally (MyAnnA Buring), who was prisoner in the next cell, grabs Viper’s hair which allows Eden to cut off her head.   Viper is unfortunately out of the picture and she was one of the coolest movie villains since Billy Mitchell in King of Kong: Fistful of Quarters.   Cally reveals that she’s Kane’s daughter and she can help Eden find her dad.

So Cally and Eden escape and meet up with the only two surviving members of her team and they team up with Cally’s group of rebels (cliché 6).   They escape Sol’s group by train, but not before being chased by motorcycles which jump into the movie from out of nowhere (cliché 7) and then hike through the mountains until they find a tunnel….every time they go through the tunnel it’s like they end up in a new movie.  The first part was very Thunderdome meets the Warriors.  They come out the other side and are captured by Kane’s army who ride horses.  Kane also lives in a tourist castle.  Now we’re kinda in the Army of Darkness!

Kane tells Eden that he doesn’t care about the outside world and that there is no cure for the virus.  The people that are alive have survived because they’re immune.   I think it’s at this point that we also find out that Sol is Kane’s son.   Kane forces Eden to fight a post-apocalyptic gladiator battle (cliché 8) with his best warrior.  As she fights and obviously wins, her troops escape.

They head back into the tunnels and decide to take a look at the boxes and boxes of supplies that are near a fallout shelter…there’s even a convenient packing list telling them what is where….not sure why no one else thought of doing this in the 20 some years Scotland was quarantined, but whatever.   Eden finds a cell phone and a Bently.  She escapes with Cally and one of the two surviving members of her team.  She barely makes it out a closing fallout shelter door (cliché 9) as Kane’s troops attack.

Meanwhile back in England, the prime minister is sprayed with infected blood after Nelson shoots an infected dude.  The prime minister is locked in his office where he blows his brains out.   Canaris gives big ups and mad props to Nelson for his handiwork and reveals that he’s all set to take over.  Nelson is pissed.  Eden calls him on the phone and tells him that she has what they’re looking for.  Canaris takes Nelson’s cell phone and tells his staff to trace the call and then relieves a duly irritated Nelson from duty.

Since we’re out of the tunnel, it’s time that the movie now changes to Mad Max.  A huge car chase ensues with Sol’s merry group attacking Eden.  Sol is driving with Viper’s corpse in the passenger seat, but she’s not nearly as hot as a corpse…technically she’s not hot at all now.  Sol jumps into Eden’s car and they have a pretty original fight inside a compact sports car.  Sol ends up on top of the car and is killed when Eden drives through one of Sol’s school busses.   His head goes flying into the camera. 

Canaris meets up with Eden and she gives him Cally and explains that the survivors in Scotland are immune and that her blood could help them find a cure.  Canaris says, “awesome, but I’ll wait a bit so I’ll be a big hero.”  Okay, that’s not a real quote, but it’s the general gist of it.  Oh yeah, that’s cliché 10.  

Eden stays behind in Scotland and visits the home she used to live in with her mom.  Nelson shows up and tells Eden that Canaris is taking over and is acting like a tool.  Eden gives him a copy of the conversation she had with him where he admits to letting the plague spread before bringing the cure to the masses.  Nelson says that he’ll use it to take down Canaris. 

Nelson leaves.  Eden drives up to Sol’s old gang and gets out of the car.  She’s carrying Sol’s head.  After she throws it down in front of the gang, they cheer.  The camera pulls back and there we are left with kind of a neat open ending that would allow a sequel to go in all sorts of different directions and cliché 11!


*CUT TO THE CHASE*
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Scotland is quarantined after a plague.  Years later the plague spreads to England.

Eden and a small band of soldiers/cops go in to find Doctor Kane who was working on a cure.  Scotland is under a civil war with one army being led by Sol.  Sol’s ragtag army kills most of Eden’s group.  The rest escape and find Kane who tells them that there is no cure, only people that are immune.  Eden takes one of the immune people away to be airlifted to England so they can use her blood to make an antidote.  

The new prime minister takes the survivor, but says he’ll wait to bring a cure to the people.  Eden records this and gives the evidence to Bill Nelson who uses it to bring down the crooked prime minister. 

Eden stays behind in Scotland, finds her childhood home and then returns to Sol’s gang with Sol’s decapitated head to seemingly take over leadership and open things up for a sequel.