DATE MOVIE

NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by WriterDudette who says..."Not quite as good as the Scary Movie films, but entertaining nonetheless."

The film opens as we see Julia Jones (Alyson Hannigan), an obese bride-to-be, walking down the aisle, a bouquet of flowers in hand, and approaching someone who appears to be Napoleon Dynamite, wearing a shirt that says DON'T VOTE FOR PEDRO. She taps him on the shoulder and he turns around and says, in typical Napoleon fashion, "Idiot! Hell no, I won't marry you! God! What would you do in a situation like this? God!" He then proceeds to dance for a bit, which is too much for Julia to handle. She screams...and wakes up, and we see that this was all a dream.

She begins to write in her diary (subtly titled JULIA JONES' DIARY), detailing her dreams of true love. She notes the old spinster who lives in the apartment across from hers with her many cats, and vows never to become like her. She decides that there is a man somewhere out in the world for her, and she is determined to find him.

The credits begin to roll as Julia dances around town to Kelis' "Milkshake", with many hilarious occurrences.

The next scene focuses on the Greek diner where Julia works with her father, Frank (Eddie Griffin) and mother, Linda (Meera Simhan). It is clear from the beginning that Julia hates her job and her life as a "Greek Irish Japanese Jew". Frank wants to marry her off to Nicky (Judah Friedlander), a man just as obese and obnoxious. Julia is not too thrilled with this prospect, but instantly forgets all her troubles when she serves coffee to the gorgeous Grant Fonckyerdoder (Adam Campbell), who captures her heart. He apparently falls in love with her on the spot, as well, and things might have gone exceedingly well if she didn't smash him over the head with the coffee pot when Frank calls her over to the counter.

Julia realizes she is a hopeless case and so she decides to go and visit Hitch, the date doctor (Tony Cox). She tells him about Grant and how he is the man of her dreams, but how it will be impossible to get him because of the way she looks. Hitch takes pity on her, especially after her disgusting and slobbery attempts at kissing, and brings her to the garage where he instructs his homeboys to give her a makeover. After a lot of crude humor ensues, Julia emerges, looking beautiful and sexy in a slinky black dress.

She next receives a place on a reality TV show entitled "The Desperate Bachelor", where Grant is the desperate bachelor. He sees her, now considerably thinner, and falls for her again, even going so far as to shoot every other contestant during the elimination round. He and Julia kiss and then win a dinner for two at A Restaurant.

Grant appears to be enjoying the dinner immensely, as he orgasms and smashes a wine glass over his head. He and Julia discuss their goals for the future (Julia talks about how she applied to a pastry-making class at Harvard), and then Grant takes her into a jewelry shop, where he proposes to her and she accepts. Just as they leave, two hobbits and a wizard come in, whereupon Frodo hands over the One Ring to the clerk at the ring counter, who gives him $50 bucks for it. He and Sam then proceed to beat up Gandalf.

Grant and Julia go back to her apartment and have sex (Grant's orgasms sounding painfully familiar), and then realize that Julia's cat lady neighbor was watching them the whole time. "She faked it, Grant," the lady says, meaning Julia, "but I didn't." Grant goes into the bathroom, where he discovers Julia's sanitary products, but is pleased with the crotch-scratcher. Julia then invites him to meet her parents.

The meeting is very awkward, as Grant is clearly not a Greek Irish Japanese Jew, and Frank does not approve of this. Linda even goes so far as to ask Grant to ejaculate into a cup just so she'll know he isn't "shooting blanks". When Grant goes to the bathroom, however, he discovers the family cat, Jinxers, who is apparently suffering from constipation. As they eat dinner, Grant politely comments on the large vase above the fireplace, and Linda responds by telling him that it's an urn and it contains the remains of Frank's mother. Matters are made worse when Grant attempts to open a champagne bottle and the cork knocks the urn to the floor, revealing the grandmother's corpse. Jinxers then proceeds to hump it furiously as the family recoils in horror.

Grant confesses to Julia that he loves her, despite what her family may think of him, though attention is diverted from this romantic discussion by Michael Jackson seducing a little boy in the background. (The kid's mother eventually shows up and proceeds to bash Mr. Jackson's head in with a garbage can cover.) Julia and Grant go to a brief session of couple's counseling, and then Grant invites Julia and her parents over to meet his parents (Fred Willard and Jennifer Coolidge). 

The meeting, of course, doesn't go over nearly as well as Grant would have helped, as his father is busy practicing a very strange-looking form of karate in the front lawn when they arrive, and his mother insults Julia in Jewish and tells how Grant initially lost his virginity to the flamboyantly gay housekeeper. Meanwhile, Frank has taken it upon himself to bring Nicky to this little family reunion, and he tells Julia that she has to marry him. Julia is, of course, devastated; but Frank gets his comeuppance while engaging in a game of basketball that seems to involve a great quantity of Mr. Fonckyerdoder's chest hair.

Mrs. Fonckyerdoder recommends Julia and Grant to a wedding planner, Jell-O, and they happily visit her in order for her to help them plan their wedding; a "simple but elegant" extravaganza, according to Julia. Jell-O suggests a restaurant called Taco Butt and, after Julia and Grant decline, is insulted and rips off her business suit to reveal a golden spandex outfit and exceptionally large buttocks, causing Julia and Grant to scream with terror.

Next up, it's the swimming pool, where Grant says his best man, Andy, will be waiting to meet them, insisting that Andy and Julia will hit it off famously. This idea is all blown to pieces, however, when it is revealed that Andy is, in fact, a woman, and a very attractive one at that. Julia is even further horrified when she realizes that Grant and Andy were engaged up until three weeks ago (they first met when Grant was a hooker in LA), and that Andy is clearly plotting to break up Julia and Grant's wedding and steal Grant back.

Andy helps Julia shop for her wedding dress, anyway, but things go awry when Julia smacks her head on a cabinet and finds she can hear people's thoughts, and hears Andy's plot to break up her and Grant's wedding. She quickly changes into an outfit reminiscent of Uma Thurman's in Kill Bill, and she and Andy are ready to duel it out, until their swords break at first contact.

Depressed, Julia realizes that whenever she looks in the mirror, she still sees the fat girl she once was, and looks to Hitch for guidance. He isn't much help, however, as he informs her that she really stands no chance against Andy, whom he proclaims as "hot as hell". But he does assure Julia that everything will work out in the end. She asks him if that will really be the case. He replies that no, it isn't, but all his white customers seem to believe it. With renewed determination, Julia invites both families to dinner at the Greek diner, where they join together in a rousing rendition of a popular song.

On the morning of the wedding, Julia wakes up to discover a monstrous zit on her chin, which she attempts to pop, an act that ultimately makes her late for her own wedding. At the wedding itself, Andy has confronted Grant and informs him that she is ready to take him back. Grant denies having any interest in her anymore, but rewards her with one last kiss, anyway. Unfortunately, at this exact moment, Julia catches them in the act, her bouquet of flowers falling from her hands in dramatic slow-motion, and the wedding is immediately called off.

Julia's apartment is now covered in balloons and teddy bears, loudly declaring Grant's apology, but she refuses to take him back. She consents to marry Nicky, but when at the wedding ceremony, she has a series of flashbacks that remind her how much she truly loves Grant. Frank apparently has the ability to hear these flashbacks, and objects to the marriage, showing Julia an article that Grant has written in a popular magazine, entitled "How to Lose a Girl in Ten Days". The article professes Grant's apology over and over (and over and over), and finally asks Julia to meet him on the roof of her apartment, if she still wants to be with him. Julia is thrilled, until she realizes that the article is six months old and that she has very little time. She runs back to her apartment (with the help of Hitch, a baseball bat, and a motorcycle), but Grant -- now six months older and sorely needing a shave -- has left the roof and now stands, desolate, in front of the apartment. Julia reaches the roof, knocking Andy down several flights of stairs in the process, and just as Grant lets out an anguished cry of "JULIA!" several stories below, she topples off the roof and into his arms. They are reunited at last!

Their wedding is simple but elegant, just as Julia wanted, and everyone they have encountered during the movie is there (Andy and Nicky get together, as do Jinxers and Julia's cat lady neighbor, and Hitch and Jell-O). Grant and Julia finally get married and drive away in a beautiful carriage, to their honeymoon on King Kong Island.

Of course, what happens on their honeymoon is no stretch of the imagination. Grant and Julia film the sacrifice of a beautiful maiden (Carmen Electra) to the giant gorilla, who tickles her fancy (literally) before happily crushing her with his giant hairy fist. Well, not all love stories can end happily.