CLERKS 2

NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by Brentage5000 who calls it..."Hilarious and provoking."

NOTE: Like the original Clerks, this takes place in one day.

We start off in Leonardo, New Jersey and find Dante Hicks (Brian O'Hollaran) pulling up to the Quick Stop in his decade-old Oldsmobile. He bends over to unlock the window shutters (no gum this time), opens them...and sees an inferno inside. He shuts the shutters, then opens them again to make sure he saw what he thought he saw and calls the fire department. Four hours and fifteen minutes later, at eleven-fifteen, we see the fire department clearing up the burned out husk of Quick Stop and RST Video (which was right next to it) when Randal Graves (Jeff Anderson), Dante's best friend and fellow slacker, waltzes into the Quick Stop fifteen minutes late...and gets escorted out again, at which point he realizes what happened. He wanders over to Dante and asks if it was terrorists. Dante gives him a look and Randall sheepishly says, "I left the coffee maker on again, didn't I?"

One year later, we see Dante picking up Randall (who lives with his parents at 33) as they head to their new jobs at the local Mooby's (a fast food chain -- think Arby's crossed with McDonald's and add a cow mascot). On the way in, Randall comments on it being Dante's last day before he moves down to Florida with his fiance Emily, and we can see that Dante is pretty jazzed about it, despite having to leave his best friend behind. He also mentions that if it was his last day, he'd do something to make it memorable, like spray paint "Eat Pussy" on the outer wall. They get to the restaurant and sure enough, we see that someone (one guess who) has spray painted "Eat Pussy" along the drive through wall. The boys head inside and do pretty much the same thing they would have done at Quick Stop -- start the coffee grinding, throw some eggamooby muffins together...the usual fast food morning routine. While they're doing this, the new and improved Jay and Silent Bob (Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith) arrive and take up their new station...along the drive through. While Jay muses on how he wish he'd done something with his life, like become an astronaut and be the first person to fuck an extraterrestrial, their first customers since they got out of rehab come up. One of them asks about how tempted Jay must be to smoke, but Jay says that he has the power of Christ and the "holy fucking bible" (a phrase you will likely never hear again) helping him out.

Back inside, we see Dante and Randall going at it on how the irony over Dante leaving one job he hates for another one he hates is overwhelming while they serve local cartoonist Holden McNeill (Ben Affleck) his order. Just as he's leaving, we see Emma Bunting (Jennifer Schwalbach-Smith), Dante's fiance, come up to visit him. She leaps over the counter and smothers Dante with kisses as Holden watches in a mixture of amusement and repulsion before Randall tells him to get lost. The two lovebirds go outside to make out and talk about the move, but are soon followed by Randall, who wants to watch. Emma tells him to buzz of and he goes to chat up some catholic schoolgirls while Emma tells Dante she'll be back later. Later, we see nineteen year old christian kid Elias (Trevor Fehrman) come up driven by his mom and dad, and Randall immediately starts giving him a hard time about that and anything else. Elias asks for help from Dante, who opens the bathroom door (he was jerking off) to yell at Randall, but is seen by an embarrassed father and his daughter. After, we see Elias going on and on about how nothing Randall says can bring him down because he just found out that there's going to be a live-action transformers movie, and since his screen name is Optimusprime, that's like a chick magnet. Randall quickly disabuses him of this notion via a string of insults.

Sometime later, we see the boss of the Mooby's, Becky (Rosario Dawson) pull up. She waves hi to Dante, who was cleaning the windows, and Randall takes this to mean they were or are fucking. Dante denies this, but Randall keeps going, asking if he ever went ass to mouth, or if she did. Dante says that no one goes ass to mouth (which, by the way, means kissing/licking someones ass and then kissing them on the mouth). Becky comes in and sides with Dante, and Randall asks Becky if she's ever given a blow job to a guy and then kissed him, since that's almost the same thing. Becky's managerial response for this comparison of a pink-eye to a brown-eye is to make Randall restock all the napkin holders. He complains that that's an Elias job, but she says thanks to the comparison, it's now a Randall job. Dante than asks if that's true about the ass-to-mouth, and she confesses that she did do it one time, and we hear Randall say from the dining area, "I knew it!"

A little while later, we see Jay complaining of boredom. Silent Bob walks away and then comes back five seconds later with a giant boombox. He puts on, "Goodbye, Horses" and Jay immediately starts doing a sexy dance to it, asking the audience, "Would you fuck me?.....I'd fuck me." Meanwhile, we see Dante and Becky in her office where both are talking about this being his last day and his impending move to Florida while he does her nails, managing to hide this from Randall every time he pops his head in. Out front, Randall is ringing up customers when Elias holds up an onion ring and goes, "One ring to rule them all." Randall scoffs and insults the Rings (as Elias calls it) and heads into the back just when another Rings fan (Kevin Weisman, who will be identified as The Ringer) comes up. Elias and The Ringer start bonding over their shared love, but Randall interrupts with his world famous line, "There's only one return, and it ain't of the king -- it's of the jedi!" The Ringer starts saying they should call Randall Padme, since he loves Mannequin Skywalker so much, and the two go at it until Randall insults LOTR so badly he makes The Ringer puke. Back with Becky and Dante (who are briefly interrupted by Randall asking for the mop and being shocked that they actually have cleaning supplies), Becky comments on how much Dante must love Emma, despite his inability to make decisions. They go on, and it eventually comes out that they had sex a month ago on the prep counter after closing one night. Just then, Randall comes in one more time (he didn't hear what was said) and says that Emma's back. Dante and Becky both go to see her, passing a fully nude Jay (and yes, I did claw my eyes out) and they see that Emma has gotten the invitations all set, including a date, which they hadn't yet decided on. Emma gives Becky her invitation, which she takes, despite obviously not wanting to, and innocently comments on Dante's indecisiveness, which makes Becky get an "I told you so" look on her face.

Back inside, we see Randall typing away at the computer. When Elias asks, we find out that Randall is trying to arrange for a bestiality show starring Kee-Kee Kelly and the sexy stud to happen at the restaurant that night after the customers all leave, and after borrowing Elias's cell phone manages to do just that. He gives the phone back just as Dante comes back in and goes to the register while Elias and Randall head in back and talk about Elias's girlfriend, Myra, who Randall is convinced doesn't exist, since Elias hasn't had sex with her yet. After landing in a pretty decent insult, he tells Randall that the reason she hasn't had sex with her yet is because of the pants troll living in her vagina. When Randall asks, Elias explains that her parents say she has a troll named Mr. Pillowpants living inside her pants that will bite off the penis of any boy who tries to have sex with her. When Randall (reluctantly) asks if he's at least kissed her, Elias blames that one on a mouth troll. Randall slowly walks away from this and finds Dante waiting on an old high school classmate of theirs, Lance Dowds (Jason Lee), internet billionaire and unfortunate holder of the nickname "Picklefucker". When Elias asks about the name, Randall relates the story of how when they were freshman in high school, the seniors would all give them a sort of hazing -- burn yourself, slam your tongue in a locker, make out with your best friend -- but that Lance got the worst one. Apparently, the seniors made him walk ten feet with a pickle stuck up his ass, but every time the pickle fell out, he had to take a bite out of it and stick it back in -- and the reason for the name is that it took him four tries to do it. Lance places his order with a few insults and Randall fills it, placing some dead flies in the melted cheese on the burger and using ice gathered from a urinal for the soda. Lance takes it from a smiling Randall as Jay comes in asking for the same thing. Lance hands his order over to Jay, saying he has the feeling he won't like it very much, and leaves. Randall yells at Elias to watch things and has Dante drive him to a go-cart track to decompress. On the way out, they pass Jay and Silent Bob, who are eating the food they got despite the odd taste.

On the way back from the go-cart track, Dante asks why they always go there when Randall gets stressed, and after some profane stalling, Randall admits that it just reminds him of a time when life was simpler, and it's obvious that he wants that kind of time to last forever. They get back to the Mooby's and find things in complete chaos, with Becky yelling at them, customers acting like grouches, and Elias burning every order of fries. Eventually the stress gets to Randall and he loses it, yelling at everybody and declaring himself a porch monkey. The two black customers (Earthquake and Wanda Sykes) currently being waited on are offended, but Randall can't see why, since porch monkey isn't an offensive term, even though Dante tells him it is. Randall then goes on to list a bunch of racial slurs for black people, which makes the wife demand the money back, even though the husband just wants the food, and while Randall explains that his grandmother called him porch monkey all the time, Becky tries to get the wife calmed down, giving her her money and the food. Through Dante's yelling, Randall remembers that his grandmother was actually a little racist just in time for the black couple to storm out the door. Dante gives up on an oblivious Randall and goes to have his break while we see Becky in her office looking at pictures of her and Dante and Randall and Elias. She goes to Dante's table and asks him if he's sure about getting married, and he confesses that the only thing he's nervous about is that he can't dance and he really wants to look good for her family. She grabs his hand and pulls him up to the rooftop. On the roof, she shouts down to Jay (who at first thinks God is talking to him) to put on something to dance to...and then tells him to put on something more harmonic after finding his original choice of heavy metal music inappropriate). They start dancing to "ABC" and it eventually becomes a big musical number, with Elias rocking out at the drive through window, Randall strutting on the counter, Jay and Silent Bob prancing about with pigtails, and a bunch of customers all providing backup dancing in the parking lot. On the roof, Dante dips Becky and in the heat of the moment tells her he loves her, to which she says, "I'm pregnant."

Back downstairs, we see Jay suffering from PPS (public piss syndrome) when Randall and Dante throw the door open into him. Dante tells Randall what happened and what he did, and after Randall realizes that he's not breaking up with Emma and that Becky's not getting an abortion and doesn't want his help, asks what the problem is. Dante tries to outline the situation in small words for Randall, threatening to beat him up if he tells anyone, but gets interrupted by Becky. Randall immediately spills that he knows and Becky gets in her car and drives off in disgust just as the donkey show truck pulls up. Randall shoves Dante into the car and tells him to look for her and then come back in an hour ("That's exactly how long you can take before making it worse, trust me."). Dante drives off while Randall heads over to the driver of the truck, a big rough guy, and asks if he can get a private show with Kelly. The driver says that Kelly likes her privacy before the show, but if Randall is still interested afterwards, he can get some alone time with her for an extra five hundred dollars.

Elsewhere, we see night falling as Becky and Dante drive around searching -- he for he and answers, and her for just answers. At one point, we see Dante stop outside a diner and sees a little girl (Harley Quinn Smith, aka Kevin and Jen's daughter) smile and wave at him. He returns the gesture, sighs, and heads back to Mooby's, where he sees smoke filling the place. He groans, "Not again," and dials 911 and says that there's a fire at Mooby's. He heads inside but instead of flames, finds Jay, Silent Bob, Randall, and a very hammered Elias waiting for him. Randall tells him that the show is about to start and that it's something they've been thinking of since they saw animal house at the tender age of twelve. He starts impersonating an announcer and introduces Kelly and the stud. The donkey comes out, followed by the guy, who is now wearing leather bondage gear and a mexican wrestling mask. After some talking, Randall realizes that there's been a mistake in nomenclature and that the donkey is Kelly and the guy is the "Sexy Stud". Despite this knowledge, the boys keep watching for some reason (same reason people watch a train wreck, I guess) just as Becky comes in and has the same reaction. She and Dante manage to talk, and she confesses that she does love him and they kiss...just as Emma comes up behind them with a cake she made to celebrate the move. She stands there speechless as Jay comes up to get some cake. She hands the whole thing to him, throws the ring at Becky, calls her a whore, and then takes the cake from Jay and throws it at Dante. She leaves and just as Dante begins to wonder what's next, the cops and fire department show up.

In a jail cell at the Leonardo County Police Department, we see Jay, Bob, Dante, and Randall sharing a cell. Dante starts tearing into Randall again, blaming him for all the bad shit that's happened to him, and Randall goes on the defensive, telling Dante to take some responsibility, since he's still where they were eleven years ago. He reminds Dante that after they decided to take action that night at the Quick Stop, they kept working there for years. Dante defends himself by saying they took some courses at the college, but Randall points out that they dropped out of those since nothing worked for them, and that Dante just kept doing nothing. Dante loses it and asks Randall just what he would do if he were Dante, and Randall shouts back, "I'D BUY the fucking Quick Stop!!!!" Depleted, Dante slumps against the wall and says that that would cost fifty thousand dollars that he doesn't have, but then Jay weakly says, "We do." Dante asks if they'd really give them the money and Jay says he would, on two conditions: he and Silent Bob get to hang out in front of the store with no cops being called, and Dante and Randall have to blow each other and swallow anything that comes out....though he drops the second condition after a look from Silent Bob. When Dante still seems reluctant, Randall says, "You're really gonna make me say it, aren't you?" Randall asks Bob and Jay to cover their ears and then tells Dante he loves him -- in a heterosexual way, of course ("Yeah, right," snickers Jay). He tells Dante that he's the only friend he's got, and if Dante leaves, he won't have any friends, since who would wanna be the friend of a guy like Randall that hates everything and everyone. He tells Dante that he's the balance to all that hate, and that if he moves to Florida, his life would just be empty, and he begs Dante not to go...

Some time later, we see Becky manning the drive through at Mooby's. She tells a customer that their order will be $5.79. The customer drives around to pay, and when Becky holds out her hand for the money, a black box is put into it. Becky sees the ring inside the box and then sees that the driver is Dante. He starts to stutter out an awkward proposal, but is cut off when she leaps through both the drive through window and the car window. She kisses him hard, and he jokingly asks, "Is that a yes?" Later, we see Dante and Randall at a bank shaking hands with the manager, and it's clear they've just taken out either a loan or a deed for getting Quick Stop/RST, and either way, they now officially own it. We see the pair repainting the inside and accepting a job application from Elias to work at RST, who seems awfully nervous. Randall moves to throw the application out, but Dante straightens him out, and Elias leaps over the counter to hug Randall as a thank you. A little while after, we see Elias, Dante, Randall, and a looking-more-pregnant Becky smiling at the sign Dante and Randall just put up over the jammed shutters, saying, "I assure you, we're re-open!" A few weeks later, we see Dante selling cigarettes to Walt the fanboy (Walter Flanagan, best known as the guy who kept saying, "Tell 'em, Steve-Dave!" in Mallrats) as Randall comes up and asks Dante if he's supposed to be here today. Dante smiles and nods, and as we pull back to see one of Dante's hated milk-maids still looking for that gallon with the furthest away expiration date, he comments on this being the first day of the rest of their lives and smiles, finally happy with his.

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