Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

NOTE: This spoiler sent in by Doux.

"Borat" opens with a shot of the rundown and barren landscape of Kazakhstan. The camera pans to our titular television journalist surrounded by his fellow villagers of the town of Kusek (inside joke, actually the Hebrew word for "vagina”). Borat welcomes the audience, giving a walking tour of his shanty town and introducing us to the town rapist, the town mechanic/abortionist, his "pain in my assholes" neighbor and his sister Natalya, the #4 prostitute in all of Kazakhstan. His obese wife, Oksana, threatens him with an ax. His home is full of cheap stuffed animals and a gigantic ox.

Borat tells the audience he enjoys the hobbies of ping-pong, sunbathing in a lime green bikini, disco-dancing (all-male) and going to the capital city of Almaty to look at lurid pictures of women "make toilet." He then shows a segment he filmed as one of the most famous journalists in the country: the Running of the Jew, in which scores of young men chase and harass giant papier-mâché caricatures of hook-nosed, green-skinned and horned faces. The caricature representing a Jewish woman lays a giant plaster egg ("the Jew egg!") and the children of Kusek begin to kick and tear it apart to "kill Jew chick before it hatches!"

Borat admits that Kazakhstan is a glorious country, but it has three problems: “economic, social and Jew.” He explains that the government has assigned him and a TV producer, Azamat Bagatov (a horribly obese and mustachioed squat gentleman), to go to America and bring back important “cultural learnings” to improve their nation. During his farewell gathering, Borat warns the town rapist to cut back on the rapings. Borat also promises a town cripple that he will get him a new arm. Oksana, his wife, says that if he messes around with an American woman, she will come to America herself and snap Borat’s cock off. Borat leaves his town, ecstatic to be going to America.

Borat and Azamat arrive in New York City with only some money, clothes and “a jar of gypsy tears to protect me from AIDS.” Borat takes his first subway ride to his hotel, during which he tries to make friends with his fellow train passengers. He is greeted with “Fuck off” and “Get the fuck away from my face” when he tries to shake hands and kiss several male passengers. Cowed, he decides to just check on his pet rooster, who he has stashed in his brown suitcase. It flies out of the bag and runs loose around the subway car, freaking out passengers and scampering around, chased by Borat.

The scene cuts to Borat arriving in a hotel, where he unsuccessfully tries to bargain for a cheaper room. He mistakes the elevator for his hotel room until a staff worker guides him to his real room. Once in his cozy two-bed room with a “real chair!” Borat is seen washing his face in the toilet.

This is followed by a montage of unfortunate third-world foreigner Borat washing his underwear in a Central Park lake, taking a dump in the bushes outside of Trump Tower, publicly jacking off to the mannequins in a Victoria’s Secret store display and asking attractive women he passes on the street, “How much?”

Borat then goes for his first American interview, with a joke coach named Pat Haggerty. Haggerty tries to teach Borat how to make appropriate and humorous jokes, which include NOT using jokes about “people with very funny retardation” or “making sexy times with mother-in-law.” Borat tells Haggerty about his retarded brother Bilo, who they keep in a cage. Their sister used to flash her privates at Bilo, teasing him and saying, “You will never get this!” until Bilo broke through his cage and “got this.” Borat gets Haggerty to high-five this joke before Haggerty starts to blush, realizing he just laughed over incestuous rape, which Borat finds hilarious. Haggerty hopelessly tries to get Borat to understand “not” jokes, with which Borat reveals his horrible comedic timing.

Later that day, we see Borat in his hotel room after he has learned to work the TV remote. He becomes infatuated with old episodes of “Baywatch,” in particular with the character C.J. (Pamela Anderson). C.J. is unlike any Kazakh woman Borat’s ever seen, for she has “golden hairs, teeth as white as pearls, and the asshole of a seven-year-old.” Borat is in love.

The next day he meets with a feminist group who fruitlessly try to get him to understand women’s rights and women’s equality in terms of intelligence with men. Borat insults them for their sour demeanors and asks them who the lady in the red water-panties on TV was. They tell him it is Pamela Anderson and that she lives in Los Angeles, California. Later that day, Borat receives a telegram from Kazakhstan saying that his wife Oksana was violated and fatally attacked by a bear while on a walk. Jubilant, Borat considers himself free for Pamela. He packs all his things up, insistent upon leaving NYC for California.

Borat and Azamat fight in a Starbucks, because Azamat doesn’t know what they would learn in California to benefit Kazakhstan. Borat tells him that Pearl Harbor and Texas are in California, so they should go. They decide to take a road trip instead of flying to Los Angeles, in case “the Jews repeat their attack of 9/11.” They will make notes of all they learn along the way.

Borat then has to take driving lessons, during which he expresses surprise that one cannot drink and drive at the same time and that women can drive and are allowed to choose who they want to have sex with. After learning to drive, Borat goes to a car dealership and asks for a car “with a pussy magnet.” The car dealer tells him that Hummers are pussy magnets, and when asked by Borat, suggests a 35-40 mph driving speed in order to guarantee the death of a group of gypsies if hit. Borat tells him of his qualms about purchasing a car, using his former wife as an example “In the beginning, she look good, vagine work well, strong on plow, but after three years when she was fifteen, then she become weak, her voice become deep, she receive hair on chest, and her vagine hang like sleeve on wizard. How do I know this will not happen with car?” Borat learns that Chevrolets all come with warranties, so that won’t happen with his new car.

However, he can’t afford the Hummer, so the car dealer suggests him a cheaper vehicle: an ancient little ice cream truck, which Borat likes very much and drives to their next stop: Washington, DC, home of “warlord Premier Bush.” They stop in DC to learn politics. Azamat arranges a formal meeting with Bob Barr of the state of Georgia, who Borat offers some Kazakh cheese as a customary welcome; later he tells Barr that it was cheese made from “milk from tit” of his wife. Next, Borat encounters a “traditional American street festival,” in which people are all extremely friendly to him and agree to come back to his hotel room and get drunk and bathe him. These people happen to be celebrating a Gay Pride Parade, but Borat doesn’t realize until he asks politician Alan Keyes (“a genuine chocolate face-- no makeup!”) who they were. Keyes tell him that they were homosexuals, and Borat is shocked, “Are you telling me that the man who tried to put a rubber fist in my anus was a homosexual?”

Despite having a “broken anus,“ Borat continues his road trip, stopping by a local news station to give an interview. He causes quite a disturbance, completely clueless about how to be interviewed despite being a journalist himself. He interrupts the weatherman, who doubles over in laughter as Borat stumbles around the studio, screaming in his microphone and asking whether he can leave to “take a urine."

Borat then arrives in Virginia, having been scheduled to sing at a rural rodeo show. Before they begin the show, Borat has a heart-to-heart conversation with rodeo producer Bobby Rowe, who tells him that with his black hair and black mustache, he looks like a “dadgum Muslim with a bomb strapped to him.” Rowe tells Borat that if he shaves off his mustache at least, people might think he’s just “I-talian” and not an Arab. Rowe also advises that Boart not try to kiss other men on the cheeks or people will think he’s gay, and that the gays really should all be hanged.

Borat then begin his rodeo speech dressed in a black ten gallon cowboy hat and an absurd stars-and-stripes button-down shirt and jeans. The crowd is mostly wary with him, some laughing and cheering with his speech and some looking at him as if he is an alien.

His speech is hilariously revealing, so I’ll write it word for word, “My name is Borat. I come from Kazakhstan. Can I say first, we support your war of terror! May we show our support to our boys in Iraq! May US and A kill every single terrorist! May George Bush drink the blood of every single man, woman and child of Iraq! May you destroy their country so that of the next 1000 years not even a single lizard will survive in their deserts!” The crowd cheers wildly.

Borat then sings his national anthem to the tune of the American national anthem, “Kazakhstan is the greatest country in the world/ All other countries are run by little girls/ Kazakhstan is number one, exporter of potassium/ All other Central Asian countries have inferior potassium/ Kazakhstan is the greatest nation in the world/ All other countries is the home of the gays!” The crowd boos and hisses. Borat has to leave.

Dogged by his spate of bad luck in dealing with and getting along with Americans, Borat and Azamat continue their road trip hoping to find something to change their luck. Borat sees a yard sale in a nice neighborhood and immediately takes the brunette woman running the yard sale as a gypsy queen who has stolen all the yard sale items. He demands her gypsy tears, for he believes they hold healing powers. She is dumbfounded and insists she is just a Midwestern farmer’s daughter and no gypsy. Borat rummages around the items and asks if a Barbie doll he finds is actually a woman the brunette has shrunken with her gypsy powers. He asks if the books on sale are books of spells. Among the books he finds a biography on the cast of “Baywatch,” complete with glossy photos of the love of his life Pamela Anderson. He takes the book as a sign of goodwill and fate and leaves the yard sale with it.

They continue their trip and stop by in Atlanta, Georgia, which is characterized as being filled with depressed neighborhoods of African-American gangstas playing dice. Borat comes upon a bunch of young black men, who he says he likes very much and would like to be like. They tell him to loosen and pull down his pants, and tell him to say, “What’s up wit it?”

Borat drives to a hotel and tries out his new street talk with the (white) hotel concierge, “What’s up wit it, vanilla face? Me and my homie Azamat just parked our slab outside. We’re looking for somewhere to post our black asses for the night. So bang-bang, skeet-skeet, nigga.” The hotel staff threaten to call the cops, so Azamat and Borat leave for a more friendly bed-and-breakfast instead.

The kindly and elderly couple (the man wears a yarmulke) who run the bed-and-breakfast take the two on a tour of the house, which includes many paintings of Yemenite Jewish men and children. Borat freaks out when he realizes that there are pictures of Jews in the house because the couple is Jewish. He and Azamat lock themselves in their room, fearful of what the two elderly Jews might do to them.

The elderly man offers the Kazaks sandwiches and cake for dinner, which Borat refuses. The couple insist he eat, for they don’t want anyone to go hungry in their home. Borat eventually takes a bite of what he thinks is a poisonous Jew sandwich before spitting it into a napkin when they turn their backs.

The scene cuts to the middle of the night; Borat holed up in his bed clutching a steel cross and some five-dollar bills. He explains that the Jews have shape-shifted themselves into harmless little old people, hiding their horns (“they are very clever”). Azamat and Borat spot two cockroaches who have crawled under their bedroom door; they believe these are another disguise of the elderly couple. They hysterically throw money at the cockroaches, hoping that the roaches will accept the gelt and leave the two alone. The Kazakhs finally lose it and run screaming out of the house and to their ice cream truck, high-tailing it out of the house. The two decide they must find some way to defend against the Jewish.

They drive until they find a gun store, where the seller offers a 9 millimeter or a 45 to “defend against the Jew.” However, since Borat isn’t American, he cannot be sold a gun. Borat then goes to a wild animal shelter, hoping to find guard animals. He is shown a giant tortoise, which he thinks is some sort of exotic dog or cat species. He chooses a giant brown grizzly bear to protect him against harm. He names it Oksana and keeps it with him and Azamat in their tiny ice cream truck. Along their road trip, the sight of a grizzly bear frightens gullible children and incredulous passerby. The bear defecates in the truck, so Borat has to wipe the mess up with old newspapers. One of the pages he almost uses includes personals and pictures of hookers and their contact numbers on it. He saves one section of the paper and puts it in his wallet for later.

Since they have adequate protection, Borat decides to get back to work and stop in Birmingham, Alabama to learn the delicacies of old Southern etiquette. His etiquette instructor tells him it is polite to greet others at dinner parties and to make conversation about their lives. The scene cuts to Borat sitting at a dinner table with some wealthy Alabamans (the house is on “Secession Drive”). One man is a pastor, another is a retired construction manager, which Borat mistakes for a “retard.” Borat praises his fellow guests for being open-minded Americans and allowing a retard to have dinner with them; the retired construction manager is miffed.

Borat excuses himself to make a phone call and uses the newspaper personal he saved to call a hooker. The etiquette instructor had told him it was polite to bring a guest to a dinner party. The instructor had also advised Borat against showing family photos of his favorite son Huey Louis (the photos include Huey naked and close-ups of his teen penis). Borat decides it would be polite to compliment two of the women at the dinner party, while he insults the third woman, the pastor’s wife, for being plain.

Later, Borat excuses himself to the “shit-hole.” He returns with a plastic baggie full of his own feces. The guests are all horrified. One of the females guests teaches him that one puts their feces in the toilet, not a bag, and that one uses toilet paper to “wipe their anus.” Borat asks if she will wipe his anus for him. The doorbell rings, and Borat hurries to open the door. It’s his hooker, an overweight African-American woman with short bleached blonde hair named Luenell. He warmly greets her and she says hello to the other dinner guests, who very suddenly and with hostility excuse themselves and threaten to call the police lest Borat and Luenell get out of the house.

Borat and Luenell decide to have their own fun after getting kicked out of the dinner party. They go to a bar, get smashed and ride a mechanical bull together. Borat escorts Luenell back to her ramshackle little house. He admits he would like it very much to come in with Luenell, but he explains he has given his heart to a woman in LA. They part sweetly, and Borat tells her that she is the only American he has yet met who could pronounce his name correctly. She tells him if he’s ever in town again, to look her up.

Borat and Azamat pick up on their road trip. Borat wants to a make a stop somewhere nice to find a gift for Pamela “so she will give me entry into her vagine.” They end up visiting an old Southern antique shop with a lot of Confederate memorabilia. Borat is again a huge klutz, knocking over lamps, plates and other porcelain and glass items. He apologizes and tells the owners that his friend Azamat is handy with glue. The owners yell at him and make him pay for the damage. Borat, in lieu of actual money, offers the owners several bags of pubic hair. The owners are repulsed and insist upon all the money Borat has (about 200 dollars). He and Azamat are left totally bankrupt and leave the store empty-handed and furious at one another. They drive away and it begins to storm.

The scene cuts to Borat soaking dejectedly in a bubble bath in their hotel. He eventually towels himself off and leaves the bathroom. Azamat, in all his morbidly flabby and obese glory, is seen furiously masturbating to Borat’s Pamela Anderson biography book on his bed. Borat freaks out and snatches the book away, and begins strangling Azamat. Borat is thrown over an armchair, where he loses his towel (a black censor bar obscures his privates). They begin a ferocious tussle in the nude, Borat grabbing Azamat’s “khram” and biting his nipple. Azamat breaks a lamp over his head. Borat throws Azamat against the bed stomach down and attacks him from behind (they look like they’re having rough anal sex). Azamat rears back and smashes Borat into a mirror, then throws him onto the bed and jumps atop him. They fight in a lurid 69-position, Azamat grinding his balls into Borat’s face and screaming, “Eat my asshole!” It’s hilariously disgusting.

They eventually break free and chase each other naked down the hotel hallway. They enter an elevator where a couple of women scream and run out. Only a man, who stares pointedly away from the naked Kazakhs, stays in the elevator until they reach ground floor. Azamat and Borat chase each other around the hotel lobby and run into a reception room full of a convention of mortgage brokers, who scream hysterically and call security to drag the two men out. Azamat and Borat are split up, spitting and snarling at each other.

The scene cuts to the sun rising in a barren field, Borat sitting in his pajamas alone in the backseat of the bear-shit-stained ice cream truck. Azamat has taken all Borat’s possessions, including his passport and bear, and left him alone with but their pet rooster, a ticket to Kazakhstan and the Pamela Anderson book. Borat must go solo to California, the only thing holding him together the hope that he “will one day hold Pamela in my arms, and then make romance explosion on her stomach.” The ice cream truck breaks down and Borat must hitchhike his way to Los Angeles.

The people who decide to let Borat hitchhike with them are fellow road-trippers, three polo-shirt-wearing frat boys from the University of South Carolina. They offer Borat copious amounts of beer, vodka and Jack Daniels (which they call “America in a bottle, baby!”). While they all get smashed, they ask Borat obnoxious questions like “You like the fucking bitches, the fucking hos, the fucking girls out in the fucking old country, the fucking Russia?!” Borat is completely confused while the frat boys tell him, “You fuck the shit out of them and never call back!” Borat asks whether you never call back because these women do not actually have telephones.

Borat shows the frat boys a picture of Pamela Anderson, whom he calls the love of his life and a woman he would like to take the virginity of. The frat boys laugh and show him the Pam Anderson-Tommy Lee sex tape. Borat is completely crushed and dejected by the revelation that his dream girl is not a virgin. Borat cries and says goodbye to the frat boys, who leave him with sweet parting words, “We will always remember you. You are bigger than a woman. So you are better than a woman. Don’t ever let a woman make you who you are” and so on

Borat walks and walks down the highway until he decides to set up camp outside a nondescript building in the middle of nowhere. He makes a fire and burns the Pamela Anderson sex tape and “Baywatch” biography. He frees his pet rooster, urging it to run to freedom and live its life. He falls asleep crying wretchedly, laying alone next to the fire balled up in the fetal position, completely pathetic.

He wakes up the next morning to the sight of people walking around him and into the building, which looks like a warehouse converted into a makeshift house of worship. He enters, curious and looking for help. It turns out it is a group of Pentecostals he has come upon, and they are there to worship and speak in tongues and save anyone who needs saving. Borat is confused but attracted to the jumping and whooping people around him excitedly proclaiming the love of Jesus.

Borat decides to find Jesus, and tells the worshipers his horrible predicament: that he has no friends, that the woman he loved “did something terrible on a boat” and that he has nowhere to go in life. After being reassured by the pastor that Jesus likes him, and his sons, and even his “pain in my assholes” neighbor back in Kazakhstan, Borat accepts Jesus. The worshipers scream in tongues and place their hands on Borat’s head, and he decides to respond in turn-- wiggling his tongue out and making ridiculous noises mimicking the worshipers.

After being saved, Borat realizes he must show forgiveness to Pamela Anderson and also to Azamat.

Following the conversion, Borat hops on a travel bus affiliated with the fellow church members and finally makes it to Hollywood, California, where he decides to visit Mann’s Chinese Theater. Outside the theater he sees a particularly rotund man in a Groucho Marx costume who looks a lot like Azamat. In fact, it IS Azamat, who has also found his way to Los Angeles and is earning his living as an old-time celebrity impersonator. They fight in the street in the middle of a crowd of amused tourists, before agreeing to head back to Azamat’s ratty motel. Borat offers forgiveness to Azamat, who accepts.

In the motel room, Azamat reveals to Borat that he has spent some time collecting all the research and information about Pamela he could find. He shows Borat a file of newspaper and magazine clippings about her, and says that very soon she will be in town signing autographs for fans at a Virgin Megastore. Borat is ecstatic and asks Azamat to help him prepare the traditional Kazakh wedding sack; he agrees. In a sign of reconciliation, Borat uses his nose to gently rub the forehead of Azamat. Borat also asks what has happened to his bear Oksana, and Azamat offers a round-about answer as he opens his mini-fridge door, revealing a severed bear’s head on a platter that Borat doesn’t catch.

The next scene opens with Borat in, for the first time, a new suit: brown, with a red bowtie. Borat is carrying a white cloth decorated with red rosebuds on it. While he has learned many things from America, he says, he will now show Americans how to do a wedding Kazakhi style. He waits in line with the other fans for awhile, eager to meet Pamela. Eventually Pamela enters the store with her big blonde hair, tight jeans and teeny white top; Borat is not disappointed.

When its his turn to get her signature, she is polite but distant while he is nervous and begins reciting his family heritage “I am Borat, the son of Asimbala Sagdiyev and Boltok the Rapist, former husband of Oksana Sagdiyev, who was daughter of Mariam Tulyakbay and Boltok the Rapist….” He shows Pamela his white cloth, which has been hand-sewn with their names and the day’s date, “our date of marriage.” He formally asks Pam to marry him, she says no, so Borat completely unravels the cloth, revealing it is actually a sack. He throws the sack around her head and wrestles her to the ground.

Pamela Anderson breaks free and begins running around the store, chased by a very determined Borat, who promises that “I will give you your own plow!” They end up in the parking lot, Borat apprehended by security and placed in cuffs. He botches one of the cultural learnings of America he encountered, the "not" joke, by screaming, “Pamela, I am not attracted to you anymore…. NOT!”

The scene cuts to Borat sitting on a bus headed for NYC, where he has been arranged for a deportation back to Kazakhstan. He reflects on the past three weeks in America, the “great times” (the rodeo), the “good times” (learning street slang in Atlanta) and the “shit times” (traveling with the USC frat boys). He says that the most important thing he has learned, however, is that “If you chase a dream, especially one with a plastic chest, you can forget the real beauty right in front of your eyes.” He makes a stop in Birmingham to Luenell’s house…

The final scene: It is eight months later, and Borat is back in his native Kazakhstan, happy and wearing a snazzy yellow polo shirt. Borat declares that his country has changed for the better, and that they aren’t crude anymore, “We do not do Running of the Jew… We are Christians now!” The scene cuts to a group of townspeople using rakes to poke an elderly Jewish man they have strapped to a wooden cross.

Borat walks by the town cripple and shows he has kept his promise-- the cripple has a new arm, the plastic fist dildo that the homosexual men from the DC gay pride parade gave Borat. Borat passes by his “assholes” neighbor, who he has given a bright blue iPod mini as a gift (though “everyone knows minis are for girls!”). Borat then guides the camera to his house, where Luenell is sitting wrapped in bright shawls and being given flowers by curious and adoring townspeople. It appears that they are married, and there are a couple of mixed-race little kids around. They are all jubilant and happy in their glorious nation of Kazakhstan.

The End.