BEERFEST
NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by Vinnie who warns us... "Almost NONE of the jokes in the trailers are in the film.  The guys filmed massive amounts of extra footage, and used that for the commercials and trailers.  So this is one of the rare cases where no jokes are ruined in the film.  It also means the DVD should be packed with more funny."

The film starts with an obligatory disclaimer that if you attempt to duplicate any of the stunts and feats in the film, YOU WILL DIE (in big red blinking letters).

The film starts with Jan Wolfhouse (Paul Soter) in a high-stakes game of "Quarters" with a very tough gentleman (M.C. Gainey) in a boiler room.  Jan has just lost a wad of cash in the game, and to recoup his losses, he calls "chance" for a second shot.  The tough guy says if he wants to play, he has to make a tougher shot, and replaces the beer mug with a flower vase with an opening barely larger than the quarter.  Jan hems and haws and sinks the shot without blinking - he was obviously hustling the guy.  The guy doesn't cotton to that, and just as he is about to go old school Las Vegas on Jan, his big brother Todd comes in and tells them both they're going to be late.  The tough guy lets Jan go, puts on his priestly raiments (!), and they both go upstairs.  They were playing in the basement of a funeral home, and they were there for the funeral of the Wolfhouses' grandfather, Johann von Wolfhaus (Donald Sutherland)

Johann appears himself on a videotaped last address.  Old and decrepit in a hospital bed, he wishes the boys well with the family restaurant, Schnitzengiggles, and asks them to take care of his mother, Great Gam-Gam (Cloris Leachman).  He tells them they will not be alone in helping, and holds up "Pippo", a wooden nutcracker-like doll Johann has had since a child (Need I add, "Important Later"?) He drinks three beers in rapid succession to toast his family, pulls his own plug and passes away.

Some time later, Gam Gam asks the boys to do something for her.  They must take Johann's ashes back to Germany and spread them over the family estate during "the festival".  The guys aren't sure they want to go, until they realize the aforementioned festival is Oktoberfest, then their hearts turn.

In Germany they must meet up with a Herr Schniedelwichsen (whose name is not pronounced the same twice) who will lead them to where they must go.  While they wait, they go to the Oktoberfest, get into a fight with some boorish Australian tourists and knock the massive tent down.  The host of the fest and local potentate (Jurgen Prochnow) is livid at the sight, but before he can do anything, Herr Schniedelwichsen finds them and pulls them away in the chaos. 

He leads them through progressively seedier parts of the town, and finally into a marked door in a back alley.  They travel down impossibly deep basement stairs past increasingly surreal and unsettling people (All played by the Broken Lizard boys themselves, BTW) and finally to a barred door.  They are asked for a password, and Herr Schniedelwichsen yodels a complicated yodel.  The door is opened, and they see...BEERFEST.

A secret "Fight Club" for beer, Beerfest is an international drinking games competition where only the finest drinkers in the world are invited.  As they look around, they learn that this does NOT include Americans.  In the finals, the German team faces the Irish in a sudden death relay-chug race, with the final man drinking from a huge foot-shaped tankard called "Das Boot" (and if you don't know why that's funny, I ain't telling you, go look it up).  The Irish team looks like it will win, but as Das Boot is tilted up, a bubble forms in the toe that bubbles out as the boot is tilted back, drenching (and disqualifying) the Irishman.

When it is learned that Herr Schniedelwichsen brought them here, he is taken away and shot (off screen "bang" and everything).  After the competition, Jan and Todd learns all and their lost heritage.  They are related to the von Wolfhaus family, makers of the "fourth-best" beer in the world, but not related in a good way.  There are large portraits of the family on the walls, and they bear more than a passing resemblance to Jan and Todd.  There is a row of urns along the wall, and they realize THIS is the "festival" to which they were supposed to deliver they grandfather's ashes.  They lost them in the fracas up above...but the host of Beerfest, Wolfgang von Wolfhaus (Prochnow again) has the urn, which he smashes on the floor in front of them.

The German team, the von Wolfhaus boys, led by their father Wolfgang, relate the tale - Jan and Todd's grandfather was a stable boy in the von Wolfhaus brewery, and his mother (Gam Gam) was a common whore.  Together they stole the family beer recipe (for "Ze Greatest Beer een all ze VORLD" according to Otto (Will Forte)) and fled to America.  The boys deny that could be true, their family doesn't even brew beer. 

Todd and Jan challenge the Germans to a drinking contest to reclaim their honor.  They get totally spanked, and are showered with fruit and garbage by the rowdy upper-class European crowd.  The boys awake in a stupor the next morning outside, only half-sure any of it happened.

When they get home, they can't bear to tell Gam Gam what happaned, let alone ask about what they were told.  But they decide that they must get back their honor - they plan to recruit a team, train all year and beat the Germans in next year's beerfest.  Luckily, they know several people who would be perfect for the team:

Phil Krundle - "Landfill" (Kevin Heffernan) lost his job at the local brewery (and went back to get it with a shotgun) some years before, and is happy to join the team.

Charlie "Fink" Finkelstein (Steve Lemme) is a scientist and has long since abandoned his drinking days for his new job, manually masturbating frogs to collect genetic material for cloning experiments.  When he learns that their foes in the competition are classic textbook aryan Germans, he throws his Yarmulke into the ring.

Barry Badrinath (Jay Chandrasekhar) has fallen far from days as cool guy in college - he now turns tricks as a man-whore under a local overpass.  Oh, and Todd is reticent about letting him on the team as Barry bedded his then girlfriend (now wife) back in college.  Barry is happy to join, but when he tries to show off his talents, he can't hit the broad side of a brewery with a quarter, let alone the rim of a mug.  Todd blows him off, but Barry shows up at Schnitzengiggles later, tanked, and plays like a wizard.  He sinks a rack of pool balls on the break, shoots five bullseyes in a row in darts, and sinks scores of quarters in every rounds glass thing in the bar. 

"What can I say - I play better drunk.."

The team assembled, they start their first day of "training" - they must down an entire super-keg of beer.  Over the course of the day (thank you, montage fairy) they barely finish half of it.  They need some tips.  They decide to go see Gam Gam and see if they can get some ideas on how the Germans can drink so much, but without telling her of their plan, not to mention asking about what they learned in Germany.

When they get to Gam Gam's house, they are met by a huge black woman (Mo'nique).  It is Cherry, who Gam Gam hired as a nurse since she now needed help around the house.  Inside, the boys ask Gam Gam how the Germans can drink so much.  She explains that Germans are trained since birth to drink - laboratory conditions, exercises, and apparently the ingestion of ram urine. (The theory being if you can drink ram piss, you can drink anything.)  Gam Gam offers the boys some sausages; when they demur, she realizes it's because they are cold.  She begins warming up their sausages with manual ministrations that would make a professional fluffer seek work in a new field.  Cherry leads her off to bed, and the guys give Todd and Jan a total "yeah, she might be a whore" look.

Back at training, Fink is given the challenge of figuring out how to drink from Das Boot without it spilling back all over them.  Todd and Barry get into a row, and while fighting, they knock over grandpa's doll Pippo, and the head falls off.  In the cavity of the doll's chest is a slip of paper - it's the beer recipe from Germany.  The team collect the required equipment and brew the beer.  Otto was right - it is the finest beer in the world, and the team realize this can make them rich.  Of course, this also seems to verify the whole Gam Gam/whore thing, but hey, you gotta take the bitter with the sweet.  They begin to brew and bottle the beer, and Schnitzengiggles becomes incredibly popular.  All the time their training continues.

Word makes it to Germany via an overnight package that the Wolfhouse boys have The Recipe. (Now who could have sent that? Hmmmm.....) We see the training lab for the German team - treadmills, labcoats, high-tech equipment...and rams.  Plans are made to retrieve the recipe.

Back at Schnitzengiggles, business is booming.  Barry is pickled eight ways to Sunday, and when he goes to the restroom, we switch to "beer-o-vision" and to Barry, he looks like John Travolta, Joe Cool and that guy from the herbal viagra ads all rolled into one.  He goes out to the bar and hits on a smoking hot girl who falls for every line he says, and they go home together.  The next morning, the hangover flashback kicks in and he realizes that he took home Cherry, Gam Gam's nurse. As realization washes over him like a delousing hosedown at county jail, he looks at the camera, calmly scoffs, "C'mon, I knew it all the time" and rolls over to snuggle.

Back at the bar the night before, the Germans arrive for the recipe.  They don't plan to force it from them, they offer them $500,000 for it. (They offer them a suitcase full of Euros first, but the brightly colored noted are scoffed off as Monopoly money, and the offer is sheepishly withdrawn)  Todd and Jan refuse, telling the Germans they will keep the recipe, and win at Beerfest that coming October.  They leave after some Prussian violence and comedy.

Back at training, Landfill hears something in the brewing lab.  Someone is stealing the recipe from Fink's laptop.  It's Cherry!  Landfill tries to stop her, but after a "crouching tankard hidden negro" fight scene, Landfill is pushed into a fermenting vat to drown.  Cherry gets away, and Landfill cannot escape the vat.  He begins to do all he can do - he begins to drink.  The level of the vat lowers, a spiral forms toward his mouth, but it's no good. The team find him floating in the tank, drowned.

His funeral is a morose affair, more than most as the team's family begin to berate them for what this training has done to their lives.  Fink has lost his job at the lab because after a bad night of training, he actually cloned "frog-monkeys" (which we never get to see, but he carries around in a writhing shrieking bag, which he eventually douses in lighter fluid and torches in a dumpster).  Todd declares that the dream is dead.  Gam Gam comes in and berates the boys for giving up their training.  She has known all along about the competition, and what they have been doing.  The frail act drops, and she is sharp as a tack, and she tells them the REAL story of why she left Germany.

She was indeed a whore, and was in love with the patriarch of the von Wolfhaus family.  They met in barns, and she bore him a son.  An illegitimate son, true, but still the eldest son of the clan.  When the boy was old enough, they stole the recipe and fled to America.  She inspires the team to continue, but they're still a man short.  That is, until Landfill's identical twin brother shows up - he came from Texas to the funeral, and as Landfill had been telling him all about Beerfest, he volunteers his services to the team, asking to be called "Landfill" in his brother's honor.

Time is running out, and when practicing Beer Pong, Barry makes a staggering revelation-he can't play beer pong anymore.  He was in a championship game in the Far East against a "bunch of men who don't like to lose" and as punishment for beating them, they shoved a ping-pong paddle up his ass.  Paddle first.  This is a shock to the team, but they will do what they can.

October arrives, and the team is in Germany. One problem - they can't remember where the fest is hidden.  Fink has an idea - he did an experiment once where he taught people things while drunk that they forget when sober, but recalled perfectly when drunk again. They get Todd drunk (no mean feat - he has been training for this international beer-drinking competition) and he finds the door as if he had a GPS.  He even remembers the pass-yodel - alas, it was LAST year's password, and they are shut out.  No problem, another idea.  There's a knock at the door, and when the slot is opened, there's a giant keg there, with a bow and a card. It's brought into the stadium, and it bursts open, with the guys inside. "The Trojan Keg" trick.  The team demands the chance to play, and one stirring crowd chant later, they are allowed to compete.

They smoke the other teams, and they meet the Germans in the final.  The team comes from behind in the classic style (including Barry overcoming his discomfort and beating the Germans at doubles  beer pong) and it's down to the sudden death final.  Das Boot is brought out.  Fink has figured out the secret of drinking from it, and tells Landfill.  As they prepare for the final, Cherry appears, dressed as a beer maid and sidling up to Wolfgang von Wolfhaus.  The race begins, and our boys are winning.  But as Landfill is drinking from Das Boot, Cherry sneaks up behind him and whispers in his ear, "When I killed your brother, he screamed like a pig!"  Landfill gasps, the bubble forms in the heel, and he's soaked and disqualified.  The Germans celebrate, Landfill tries to tell the guys what Cherry said, and Jan calls Double or Nothing.  He challenges the Germans to put up the brewery against the recipe.  He claims their birthright as descendants of the oldest son of the von Wolfhaus line.  Wolfgang laughs, explaining that Cherry already got the recipe off Fink's PC.  Fink explains that wasn't The Recipe, but a recipe he was working on for a low-carb Strawberry beer.  Wolfgang is livid - Cherry is taken off camera and shot (sound effect and everything) and accepts the challenge.  5 boots to a team.  Landfill is to be anchor man again, but after an insult by the Germans, Fink gets a gleam in his eye - a Star of David made of fire in his pupil. He has the "Eye of the Jew", Barry exclaims, and he is made anchor.  The race begins, with the ref reminding the teams that "Not one drop must be spilled".  The boots are emptying perfectly, but at the last minute, the German team pulls ahead and finishes first.  But as the anchor man upends his boot, a lone drop of beer collects at the rim, and splashes to the table.  Our boys win, and get control of the brewery.

During the credits, the boys are in Sweden, celebrating as the new CEOs of the most successful beer company in the world.  They get lost in the back street of the red light district, and find Willie Nelson at the end of an alley.  He's there to take part in a secret pot-smoking competition, but his team didn't show up. He asks the guys to join his team.

Coming soon - POTFEST!

(Warning/Caveat - almost NONE of the jokes in the trailers are in the film.  The guys filmed massive amounts of extra footage, and used that for the commercials and trailers.  So this is one of the rare cases where no jokes are ruined in the film.  It also means the DVD should be packed with more funny.)