NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by Cal.
The movie opens during the 1988 Olympics and the promising ping pong career of a young phenom, Randy Daytona (Brett DelBuono). Randy faces Karl Wolfschtagg (Thomas Lennon) from Germany. Before the match, Randy seems distracted and anxious until his dad (Robert Patrick) shows up. Armed with his Def Leppard Rules paddle, Randy and Wolfschtagg start battling each other. Randy’s father slips away to join some dubious Asian men. Randy’s dad has apparently bet on the ping pong match. Randy loses focus and Wolfschtagg smashes the ball, forcing Randy back in an effort to rally, but Randy falls over the gate bordering the playing area and crashes to the ground. Knocked loopy, a dazed Randy says “I’m going to Disneyland” to the mocking laughter of the crowd.
We then jump to a backroom with a menacing Asian man (Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa) telling Randy’s father that Feng does not extend credit. A shadow of a man is implied to be Feng, but his face is never shown. Two large Asian men enter the scene and Randy’s father is executed.
The next scene opens to Rick the Birdmaster (David Koechner) as a duet singing lounge act with a cockatiel. Eventually, they introduce Randy Daytona (Dan Fogler). A down and out Randy is decked out in a sequined jacket, cumber bum, shorts, and a matching sequined ping pong paddle. Randy is reduced to plying his talent to an uninterested casino crowd. Despite the cold reception, Randy gives his all and begins his impressive routine, but the crowd just isn’t into it. A man (Floyd Van Buskirk) gets up to leave only to have Randy accept him as a volunteer to be a part of the act. As Randy bounces the ping pong ball off this man in various ways again and again, the man starts to convulse and eventually collapses. In the dressing room, after the show, it is revealed that the man had a heart attack. Rick fires Randy. Before the news gets a chance to sink in, Agent Ernie Rodriquez (George Lopez) arrives, telling Randy that the FBI has need of his special talent. Thinking his leg is being pulled, Randy is quickly brought up to speed as Agent Rodriquez’s gun accidentally goes off and Randy is quickly surrounded by two other men in black.
In a stereotypical FBI room, Agent Rodriquez AKA Special Agent Man explains that the FBI has been following a man named Feng. No one has ever seen Feng, but he hosts a ping pong tournament that only the very best are allowed to play in it. The FBI is suspicious that something big is going to happen during the tournament because some big name criminals have also been invited as guests. The only way in for the FBI rests on Randy qualifying for the tournament. Randy balks at the idea and refuses to help the FBI even when they offer him anything he wants.
We rejoin Randy as he is standing by his father’s grave only to be drenched in a downpour of water. He mentions to the care taker that the water slide is awfully close to the cemetery and is told that the cemetery sold the air rights. The care taker’s tries to warn Randy, but he’s too late and Randy is again drenched by another deluge of water. This must be the last straw and somehow Randy must see that helping the FBI will allow him to move his father’s remains to a better place because all of a sudden, Randy is volunteering to help the FBI.
Randy enters into a local tournament and faces off with the four time champion, Hammer (Paton Oswalt). Hammer enters the gymnasium by trying to break through a large sheet of paper, like the ones typically used during athletic events, but to no avail and eventually has to tear the paper in order to make his way to the match. Taking a hit on his asthma inhaler, Hammer and Randy exchange barbs and the match begins…and ends. Randy is now exiting the building and being mocked by Hammer licking the trophy. Agent Rodriquez whips out his phone and tells Randy that they need to get him in shape.
Enter the blind Master Whoo (James Wong) who happens to run a ping pong school above his restaurant. At first Master Whoo refuses to teach a round eye, Randy, but then agrees to help when he finds out that it is Feng that the FBI are after. It turns out that Feng was Master Whoo’s student. He corrupted the ping pong school and was kicked out. Feng then killed Master Whoo’s brother, leaving Master Whoo to raise his brother’s only daughter, Maggie (Maggie Q).
Randy goes to the ping pong school the next day and finds the place packed. Maggie is taking on a number of players all at once, including Siu-Foo (Jason Scott Lee). Randy is obviously taken by the attractive Maggie. During the multiplayer match, Maggie isn’t fazed by having to answer the phone and take an order. Eventually, Maggie triumphs. Siu-Foo finds out that Master Whoo is going to be teaching Randy and tells Master Whoo that he and his family will be kicked out of Chinatown forever. A fight breaks out and Maggie is forced to defend herself against Siu-Foo and his cronies. Both Randy and Agent Rodriguez watch until Randy finally decides to come to Maggie’s aid with a coat rack just as the fight comes to an end.
Randy’s first lesson is tough and starts with Master Whoo taking away Randy’s ping pong paddle and giving him a wooden spoon. Randy flounders miserably against Maggie. His lessons continue and Randy struggles through most of them. Randy finally reaches a point where Master Whoo teaches him the backhand. Randy struggles to master this skill as well.
Late one night, at the hotel, Randy is woken up by gunfire when Agent Rodriguez mistakenly dreams he is under attack. He then remembers where he is and apologies to Randy. The phone rings. Maggie tells them to come down to the restaurant. They arrive and find that the whole place, including the ping pong school, has been trashed. The governing group of Chinatown is kicking the Whoos out. It is decided that Randy must restore the family honor and face The Dragon (Na Shi La). If Randy beats The Dragon, Feng is sure to find out and invite Randy to the tournament. Randy, Master Whoo, Maggie, and Agent Rodriguez go to meet The Dragon, but stop before entering the place where The Dragon is. Only Randy and Master Whoo can continue on. Before they go, Maggie gives Randy her father’s ping pong paddle.
Randy and Master Whoo make their way to a room where a number of men are gathered playing various games. A ping pong table is set up in the middle of the room. Siu-Foo is there and lays out the rules, putting four dollars down as his bet, but needing change from Randy in order to do so. He then announces The Dragon. A door opens and a school girl enters the room, complete with backpack and pigtails. She goes to a locker and puts her bag up. She comes to the table and starts speaking in Chinese. Siu-Foo interprets for her and says that she is going to do a non-returnable serve. Randy returns the serve, but The Dragon is not put off. Instead, she says that one doesn’t really count because that was not truly her non-returnable serve. She again sets up and puts a wicked spin on the ball before hitting the ball towards Randy. Again, Randy is able to return her serve. The little girl is now upset. She walks away from the table and it looks like she isn’t going to continue, but all of a sudden, she grabs a ball and sends it hurtling towards Randy who returns with his own smash that The Dragon is unable to play. Randy has won and celebrates his victory. The Dragon begins to bawl and Randy goes up to her to tell her that she shouldn’t feel bad because she is very good. The Dragon takes this opportunity to hit Randy in the groin and run away. Siu-Foo and his cronies surround Randy and it looks as if he is going to get beat up, but instead, they cheer him, put Randy on their shoulders, and carry him out of the room…only to toss him in a dumpster in the alley. Siu-Foo gives Randy his four dollar winnings, but before doing so, blows his nose in the dollar bills and then throws them at Randy.
After Randy gets out of the dumpster, they are surprised by the mysterious Asian man and Mahogany (Aisha Taylor). Randy is presented with the golden paddle which is the invitation to the tournament.
The next day, the FBI is trying to figure out what the cryptic saying on the paddle means in order to get to the tournament. Randy deciphers the message and then points out that everything he has just said is on the other side of the paddle. The FBI equips Agent Rodriquez and Randy with special devices that will tell the FBI where they are and will send in the cavalry when activated. In order to avoid detection, Randy and Agent Rodriquez must each hide a device, but given where they decided to hide the devices, are obviously are not comfortable walking. Master Whoo, Agent Rodriquez, Randy, and Maggie make their way to the meeting place. Randy and Maggie seem uncertain how to say good-bye when Master Whoo tells Randy to kiss her already. After peeling Maggie off, Randy rejoins Master Whoo and Agent Rodriquez as they enter the hanger.
A private jet sits in the hanger, but instead of bordering it, they are shown to a large bus that also sits in the hanger. They make their way to Feng’s compound in Central America. Everyone is congregating in a large banquet hall and they are given name tags. An ornate palanquin ceremoniously is brought into the banquet hall amongst much pomp and circumstance. Mahogany takes the hand of Feng (Christopher Walken) as he exits the carrier and makes himself known to all his invited guests. Feng welcomes the crowd with a New York candor paired with Asian flare. He introduces some of the players like Freddy Fingers (Terry Crews). He then mentions a player who has come out of retirement to participate in the tournament. Randy thinks that Feng is talking about him. Randy starts to get up to recognize the crowd, but is put in his place with the re-introduction of Karl Wolfschtagg. Wolfschtagg gets in a couple of digs on Randy. The mysterious Asian man enters the banquet hall late. Feng motions to Mahogany who shoots the Asian man with a blow dart, killing him.
Randy is eventually shown to his room by Mahogany. She tells him that Feng has brought in the best courtesans for his guests. Randy hems and haws, even mentioning Maggie, but gives in and accepts Mahogany’s/Feng’s offer of pleasure. Mahogany brings in a bunch of men from which Randy is supposed to pick from. This is obviously not what Randy had in mind and he is reluctant to pick, so Mahogany picks Gary (Diedrich Bader). Randy tries to kick Gary out, but Gary tells him that if he doesn’t stay in the room that night, Feng will kill him. They decide to play a game and settle on Boggle. In the room next door, they hear a lot of noise and it sounds as if someone is getting lucky with a courtesan.
The next morning, Gary leaves and Randy finds out Master Whoo had the room next to his. Master Whoo is going on and on about all the wondrous evening he had and both Randy and Agent Rodriquez try not to get sick, but also don’t tell Master Whoo that the girl he keeps talking about was actually a guy.
The first match opens with Randy and Freddy. They make their way to the ping pong table in an amazing mash of dance moves before they square off. At first Freddy looks to have the upper hand, but then Randy battles back and eventually wins. Mahogany blow darts Freddy and he collapses to the ground…dead. Randy realizes just how high the stakes are.
Feng is impressed by Randy’s ping pong. Feng asks Randy to join him. He tells Randy that his new business is guns and shows Randy a secret hideaway where guns the guns are being stored. He also discloses to Randy that the whole compound is wired to explode and that he holds the only control. He then shows Randy his special ping pong table and some metal vests that eventually electrocute the wearer as they lose in ping pong. On a wall are plaques with the paddles of deceased participants of Feng’s previous tournaments. He also shows Randy a panda, which doesn’t appear to be alive.
Randy tells Agent Rodriquez how to get into the secret hideaway where the guns are. Agent Rodriquez manages to sneak away, find the hideout, and plant the homing device. Other matches are shown with the losers all being executed. The final match is set. Randy is going to face Wolfschtagg. The back-up forces the FBI promised have still not shown up and if Randy doesn’t win this match, he faces being killed by Mahogany. Agent Rodriquez tells Randy to meet him in the restroom. In the restroom, Agent Rodriquez is greeted by Jeff the Bathroom Attendant (Masi Oka). Agent Rodriquez attacks Jeff and knocks him out. Randy decides that he isn’t going to run away and that he is going to face Wolfschtagg. Randy makes his way to the restroom to tell Agent Rodriquez of his decision to face Wolfschtagg where he is ambushed by Agent Rodriquez who slams his wrist in the door of a bathroom stall repeatedly.
Agent Rodriquez goes to Feng to try and have the final match stopped due to Randy’s injury. Feng exposes Randy and Agent Rodriquez then shows them the disarmed tracking device. Feng decides that the match will go on. Randy has a flashback to the ’88 Olympics and panics, dropping his paddle. Wolfschtagg walks by, steps on Randy’s paddle and breaks it. Randy is dismayed, but Master Whoo pulls out Randy’s old Def Leppard Rules paddle and Randy is galvanized. With his arm in a sling, Randy and Wolfschtagg get ready to face off, but before the game can begin, Randy needs to set the tone. He gets out his old beat up boom box and his signature song starts rocking out. Def Leppard’s “Rock of Ages.” Randy really gets into the song and starts dancing around the arena. Even the spectators are seen singing along. All the good feelings are brought to a screeching halt as Feng shoots the boom box. Feng is bored by the prospect of Wolfschtagg playing Randy and wants something more interesting, so he has Mahogany kill the German. Feng brings in a new opponent for Randy, it ends up being Maggie.
Maggie refuses to play Randy and have him killed, but Randy will not let Maggie throw the match either. He starts bouncing the ball off of her, similar to what Randy did with the heart attack man from the casino. By doing this, Randy is able to keep the ball in play for an extended period of time. There doesn’t seem to be any end is sight, so Feng tells Mahogany to kill them both. With some nifty paddle work, Randy turns the tables on Mahogany and she ends up being killed by one of her own darts. Agent Rodriquez enters the room with an automatic weapon and starts shooting things up. Everyone runs, but Randy decides that he needs to free the male courtesans that are being held in the compound. He gets them out of their prison, but Feng stops Randy from escaping and is going to shoot him. Randy says that if Feng kills him, they will never know who Master Whoo’s best ping pong student is. Master Whoo tells Feng that at least for now, everyone will think that Randy is the better student because Feng never completed his training.
Randy and Feng are decked out in the metal vests and start to play each other. Feng plays a ball off the wall and the point appears to be for Randy, but instead, Randy’s vest sends a charge of electricity through him. Feng explains that he changed the rules a bit and every surface can be played. As they are volleying back and forth, the control falls and sets off the system that the compound is wired to. The countdown to destruction begins and everyone starts to evacuate. The FBI makes their way into the compound only to realize that they have walked into a ticking time bomb and they, too, join the throngs of people running to safe themselves. Randy and Feng are forced to keep the ball in play to avoid being executed and take their game outside the compound. Maggie faces off with Feng’s Bodyguard (Darryl Chan) who seems to be immune to all of Maggie’s blows. Maggie finally triumphs and Agent Rodriquez, Maggie, Master Whoo, and the male courtesans escape by boat.
Randy and Feng start to cross a bridge and Randy cannot return a hit by Feng, so his vest sends a higher voltage through him and Randy falls off the bridge. He manages to hang on and hears Master Whoo below in the boat remind him that Feng didn’t complete his training. Randy draws all his resources together and pulls himself back onto the bridge. Feng says that it’s not important that he didn’t finishing his training. Randy says that because Feng didn’t finish his training, he has no backhand. Randy deliberately serves to that side and Feng misses, sending a charge through him. Feng looses his balance and falls into the water where the vest electrocutes him, killing him. Randy jumps from the bridge to the passing boat below and everyone is safe.
The closing credits have the whole cast doing karaoke to Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me”. Note: Apparently, while this movie is has numerous ways of showing Randy’s love for Def Leppard - music, ping pong paddle, t-shirt - there isn’t a single song performed by Def Leppard on the soundtrack. Bizarre.