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AN AMERICAN CAROL

NOTE: This spoiler sent in by Renee. who says... I found this a fun little film very much in the classic David Zucker style (lots of slapstick, broad humor, etc.). It's rather loosely structured, with lots of traveling all over the place, but based (obviously) on "A Christmas Carol."

The film opens with a big Fourth of July barbecue where "Grandpa" (Leslie Nielsen) is grilling. Unfortunately, his food is terrible and the kids at his picnic table don't want to eat it. They ask him for a story instead. He says he'll tell them a story about Scrooge -- only this is a Scrooge who hates the Fourth of July instead of Christmas.

The story starts in Afghanistan, where a bunch of terrorists in the hills are watching an election take place below. They're not very happy about it. The leaders pick one of the group and send him down on a bike to suicide bomb the town, only he hits a rock, flies through the air, and winds up blowing up the car of one of the terrorist leaders. At a restaurant, the leaders, Ahmed (Serdar Kalsin) and Mohammed (Geoffrey Arend), complain about how hard it is to find good suicide bombers anymore, and how terrible their training video is. (A copy of the video plays on the restaurant TV: a lot like a standard human resources video about how to be a good employee, except this one is about how to blow people up.) They decide they need a Hollywood director who "really, really hates America" to help them.

Cut to "Michael Malone" (Kevin Farley dressed up like Michael Moore) doing a documentary at the "Che Guevara Hospital" in Cuba. He goes on and on about how wonderful the Cuban health care system is, as soldiers pull him away from the short "Party Members Only" line outside and shove him into the enormous "Common People" line. Nurses are handing out free pill bottles filled with breath mints, and soldiers shoot a guy in a wheelchair. When Malone gets into his boat to head back to America, the Cubans, even the soldiers, rush after him begging to go with him. He beats them off with an oar.

Later, we see him at the New York premiere of the movie, titled "Die You American Pigs," where he jumps up to start a standing ovation at the end. Outside the movie, he announces that he'll be leading a Peace March at Madison Square Garden to try to get the Fourth of July abolished. At his headquarters, where everyone is anxious over the low number of organizations that have signed on to join the rally, Malone's nephew Josh (Travis Schuldt), in his Navy uniform, comes in to invite "Uncle Michael" to the family Fourth of July barbecue. Malone explains to him that he won't celebrate a country that's oppressive. Josh wants him to come and see his (Josh's) sick little son Timmy again, and see Josh himself one more time before he has to ship out to the Persian Gulf, and come to a country concert honoring the troops with them, but Malone won't do it. (We learn later that this concert is at the same place and time as Malone's rally.) Josh leaves, wishing everyone a happy Fourth.

Malone goes to a restaurant to meet with his agent. He's upset that his movie didn't make "Variety's" Top Ten list, and really wants to make a feature film, for which he's written a script called "Fascist America." Later he attends the "MooveAlong.org" award show (hosted by Paris Hilton and Simon Rex) where he wins his third "Leni Riefenstahl" award, but everyone is swooning over a feature director named George Mulrooney (Kevin Sorbo) and not him. At the after party, Ahmed and Mohammed show up and tell Malone they'd like to hire him to direct a video, but he says he'll only do it if they can pay him $10 million. Another terrorist who has infiltrated the party as a waiter tell him they've got the money, and they tell Malone. He blows them off with "Yeah, right," which they take as a yes. Later that night, he sees himself mocked on "Entertainment Tonight." He meets with the terrorists (not knowing they're terrorists) and they talk about the proposed film, for which he wants to use his feature film script.

Back at his place, Malone watches a documentary about his hero, John F. Kennedy (Chriss Anglin), who suddenly comes through the screen, scolds him for his anti-American and antiwar views, and tells him he has to redeem himself. He says that three spirits will visit Malone. Malone later wakes up and thinks it was all a nightmare. He goes off to an anti-troops rally at Columbia University, where he gives a speech but gets into a fight with the students, who trample him. He finds himself being helped up by General George Patton (Kelsey Grammer), the first spirit. Patton doesn't like him and slaps him around a bit (explaining that that's his trademark), but he has a number of things to show him. First he takes Malone to see an antiwar rally in 1940, then to Munich, where Neville Chamberlain is signing the Munich Agreement with Hitler. Malone tries to talk sense into Hitler, Mussolini, and Tojo as they sit there singing "Kumbaya," and Patton gets so angry he throws Malone out the window. He then joins him outside and explains that dictators don't respond to talking, but to strength. Then they go to Malone's old home in Alabama, which to Malone's shock is now a slave plantation, because in this version of events Lincoln never fought the Civil War. The slaves talk about how Malone is a wonderful owner because he only beats them if they're bad and doesn't sell the babies until they're six months old. One of the slave children calls Malone "Daddy." Patton then takes a freaked-out Malone to the Lincoln Memorial to talk about why it was so important that Lincoln fought that war. Next they go back to Columbia, to a peace symposium. The professors rip off their clothes to reveal hippie garb, and do a musical number about how all the students must think alike and if they don't, they won't get good grades. Then they go to Moore's childhood home, where they see Michael as a young man going off to film school to save the world, saying goodbye to his girlfriend. When he comes back, he finds she's fallen in love with his best friend, who enlisted in the Army. They get married, and as they drive off, young Michael holds a sign saying, "The Army Sucks."

Meanwhile, the terrorists, now joined by a leader called Aziz (Robert Davi), are planning to blow up Madison Square Garden during the concert for the troops that Josh mentioned. The other two tell Aziz that Malone's rally will be going on there at the same time, so they can get all-access passes from him. Malone shows up to meet them and they tell him Aziz is their liaison to the film's financial backers. Malone takes them along with him to an interview he's doing with Bill O'Reilly. He and fellow liberal "Rosie O'Connell" are interviewed together. She says the 9/11 attacks were phony, and shows clips from a nutty film she made about radical Christians blowing people up. Malone is embarrassed and tries to dissociate himself from her, but O'Reilly tells him that his films are even worse because people actually believe them.

At a rehearsal for the terrorists' film, Malone comes in to find two actors doing a scene from the terrorists' own script. (Leslie Nielsen is playing the guy who tries to behead the American character.) He protests, but they tell him all the great anti-American feature films have already been done. Patton bursts in and says they're under attack. He takes Malone to a nearby courtroom, where zombies from the ACLU are trying to take over the court and tear down the Ten Commandments. Patton and his soldiers and the judge (Dennis Hopper) start shooting the zombies. Malone doesn't want to join in until he hears the zombies mock his film career; then he starts blasting away. Patton and Malone follow the zombies to the subway, where one of the zombies stops a bag search as a terrorist is going through the line. Patton shoots the terrorist with the bag and he blows up. Meanwhile, Malone's own terrorist friends are nearby talking about the Madison Square Garden bombing. Mohammed, the dim one that the others keep smacking around, is especially nervous about it.

Malone and Patton now find themselves at the Malone family barbecue. He hears Josh and his wife talking about him. Little Timmy is there with his crutch, and then a whole parade of his sick brothers and sisters (blind, on dialysis, etc.) show up. They all hate "Uncle Michael" because he promised to help them get treatment but didn't. Someone's playing Frisbee and Michael catches it, knocking over Timmy and starting a chain reaction where all the kids knock each other over. Next Patton and Malone go to Afghanistan, where they see prisoners of war wearing blindfolds. Malone protests and so Patton orders the blindfolds removed. When they see Malone, they mock his film career, and he makes the nearest guy put his blindfold back on. A prayer service is going on nearby. Suddenly shooting starts, and Malone runs around in a panic yelling that they're shooting real bullets. Then he finds himself at St. Paul's Chapel in New York. At the altar he sees Patton addressing someone as "Father" and saying he's sorry he failed, but Malone is just too boneheaded. When Malone comes up, Patton says he's not praying, he's addressing a different "Father." He leaves and suddenly George Washington (Jon Voight) appears. He takes Malone outside, where we see the World Trade Center disaster site and graves all around. Malone is saddened but reminds Washington that none of this is his fault. Washington asks him what he'll say about his deeds before the Almighty on Judgment Day, when only the truth will do. Then Malone sees his own grave and panics. Country singer Trace Adkins shows up as the Angel of Death, and reminds him there are consequences to his actions. They go to Hollywood and see that the terrorists have taken it over and turned it into Bin Laden City (the Hollywood sign says "Allah Akbar," everyone's in Islamic dress, and there are statues and plaques calling Malone a Hero of Jihad). Malone begs to be taken to his real home, Detroit, but when they get there, it's been attacked by a nuclear bomb. They see three doctors doing an autopsy. There's nothing left of the victim but an enormous butt and Malone's ball cap. As the doctors make fun of his butt, Malone begs the Angel not to let him die. Suddenly he wakes up at home on the day of the concert and the antiwar rally. His assistant arrives to take him there. He doesn't want to go, but she tells him he has to do the right thing.

When they get there, he sees the terrorists and, still not knowing who they are, gives them their all-access passes to get inside the building. When reporters try to interview him, he panics and goes to the port-a-john to collect himself. Patton, JFK, and Bill O'Reilly show up and start smacking him around and telling him to show some courage. (Malone reminds O'Reilly that he isn't a spirit, but O'Reilly says he came because he just likes slapping him.) President Jimmy Carter (Fred Travalena) is outside now showing a video of Americans surrendering to jihadists. Malone agrees he has to do something. He tries to tell the crowd about his change of heart, but they turn on him and trample him. Soldiers help him up and protect him.

Inside the building, as the concert starts, Ahmed and Mohammed are both scared now and don't want to go through with the plans, but Aziz is there and already wired up. Malone ends up inside the building, and Ahmed and Mohammed tell him what Aziz is going to do. They have three minutes until the explosion. Malone knows the crowd of soldiers and their families will boo him, but he goes onstage anyway to see if he can see Aziz in the crowd. While searching for him (and being booed), he makes a speech confessing all the things he's been wrong about. Finally he calls for anyone who hates America to stand, and Aziz jumps up. Malone yells for everyone to get him, and the other two terrorists and some of the crowd chase Aziz out. Ahmed and Mohammed catch him in a bathroom stall, knock him out, and try to disarm the bomb (making noises that get some funny reactions from those hearing it). When he starts coming to, they use the bomb to knock him out again, and that finally disarms it. They go back and show Malone it's disarmed. Trace Adkins tells Malone welcome to America and starts to sing. Malone sees the spirits of dead soldiers watching from the audience.

Malone goes to his family's Fourth of July barbecue and then to see Josh off on his ship. He asks for forgiveness. He and Josh salute each other as Josh goes, and when Malone lowers his arm, he hits one of the kids and the whole knocking-each-other-over thing starts again, while Malone is earnestly promising to take care of the family. Patton and Malone go off with Patton telling him how he can help the American cause, and we see Malone serving food to the troops, and making a JFK movie with little Timmy as assistant director.

There's a scene after the credits where Leslie Nielsen is sitting with his eyes closed at the table, and the kids debate whether he's asleep or dead.


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