MEN, WOMEN & CHILDREN
NOTE: This spoiler was submitted by Mike
The Voyager Space Probe flies past the planets in our solar system. The narrator (Emma Thompson) explains that the Voyager has gold records filled with international music, pictures and greetings from Earth.
Meanwhile, Don Truby (Adam Sandler) is trying to look at porn on his son’s computer because his own computer is too infected with malware to get him onto any sites. He reflects back to when he was his son’s age and how he found his own dad’s secret stash of porn. He regrets that he’s not going to be able to fill that same place in his son’s life. He masturbates.
At the local high school, Patricia Beltmeyer (Jennifer Garner) sees that her daughter, Brandy (Kaitlyn Dever) defaced one of the internet safety posters she hung at her daughter’s school. Brandy drew a word balloon around one of the characters saying, “DTF?” Her mom tells her she knows what that means. Tim Mooney (Ansel Elgort) wants to quit the football team.
Cheerleader Hannah (Olivia Crocicchia) brags to her fellow squad mates, including Allison (Elena Kampouris) about her sex life and shows her a picture. Allison and her friend bad talk Hannah via text while she is talking. The girls also talk about how Allison lost so much weight over the summer. She’s now extremely thin. Hannah’s mom, Joan (Judy Greer) texts that she’s there. Hannah runs out to her mom’s car. Joan bought Hannah a new outfit from Hot Topic.
Patricia has devices set up to monitor Brandy online, including something that logs every keystroke on her computer.
Joan takes photos of her daughter for the “private gallery” on Hannah’s website. They’re suggestive pictures of Hannah in skimpy outfits.
Don and his wife Helen (Rosemarie DeWitt) schedule sex. Meanwhile, their son Chris (Travis Trope) is looking at hardcore fetish porn. Porn is so accessible to him that he’s gotten bored of everything else. Now, he’s into humiliation and sadomasochism.
Allison goes home. Her family is eating dinner, but she says she isn’t hungry. Her dad (JK Simmons) brings her Shepard’s Pie to her room). Allison goes online to a website called prettygirlsdonteat.com and asks the community for help. They offer her advice to taste the pie and spit it out or smell the pie while eating celery.
Tim plays Guild Wars alone in his bedroom. He goes onto his mom’s Facebook and sees that she got engaged over the weekend. While going through the pictures, she blocks him. Tim goes online and tells his Guild Wars clan what happened. He gets a mix of condolences and lewd comments in return.
Don and Helen lay in bed on their tablets. On television is a commercial for AshleyMadison.com, a website for people who want to have affairs.
The Voyager Space Probe exits our solar system.
At the mall, Hannah tries to “sext” Chris, but he takes it in a non-traditional way and asks what she would do to him if he were tied up. Hannah isn’t into it and just texts back that she’d ride him. Chris isn’t into that, so he starts to look at his dominatrix porn.
Brandy eats alone until Tim joins her. She tells him that was a bold move. He asks if she knows anything about the Tiny Blue Dot. He explains that it’s a youtube video he saw with Carl Sagan. It talks about the vastness of space and it made Tim realize that nothing matters. Nothing that Hitler or Jesus did matters, so whatever he does certainly doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things either. Sitting with her ultimately was not a bold move at all. He finds it all comforting.
Hannah and Joan see that there’s a reality talent show set up in the mall looking for contestants. They sign up Hannah. Part of the admission is writing an essay. Hannah’s essay is about how she sees herself as a famous person one day. There’s no mention of how she’s famous. That’s the entire goal. Fame. Joan supports her because when she was Hannah’s age she moved to LA to be an actress, but it didn’t work out for her. Chris texts Hannah to tell her that he came.
Back at school, Allison eats a cupcake. The kids are given an assignment to interview people who remember the September 11th attack.
At work, Helen creates a profile for AshleyMadison.com. Don sees that one of the porn sites on his son’s computer also has a section for escorts. He goes though an incredibly detailed menu to pick an escort. He gets to the price. It’s either $800 an hour or $3800 a night.
Patricia hosts an Internet Safety Parent group. Joan attends and asks what kids are legally allowed to post online as far as promiscuous pictures go. Tim’s dad Kent (Dean Norris) asks if someone can explain Guild Wars to him. Patricia tells him it’s the worst kind of video game because the kids create an avatar to identify as in a virtual world. The avatar is often demonic looking. Soon real life (RL) doesn’t matter. After the group, Kent and Joan bond by goofing on how over the top Patricia is.
Hannah and Chris interview Don and Helen for their 9/11 project. They ask if Don and Helen remember where they were when it happened. They’re embarrassed and evasive about answering and decide to say they were getting ready for work. Hannah and Chris go to Chris’ room to look for pictures online for their project. Hannah tells Chris that if he wants something to look at while masturbating, he should check out sweethannahclint.com.
Don asks if Helen remembers what they were really doing during 9/11. She does. They were having sex.
Tim texts Brandy his very deepest thoughts about how sometimes he’s afraid, then he changes his mind and texts that he enjoyed having lunch with her. Patricia intercepts the text and deletes it.
Kent and Joan go on a date. It’s his first date since his wife left him.
Tim and Brandy hang out at the library. He asks why she never responded to the text. Brandy explains that her mom blocks everything and has all of her passwords, but she managed to create a secret Tumblr account that her mom doesn’t know about.
Allison is hangs out with friends after school and the boy she liked last year, but said, “I’d fuck her if I could find the hole” is there. They end up having sex because he says, “Yeah, it’s going to hurt the first time, but you’re going to have to do it sooner or later.”
Helen tells Don that she’s going to visit her sister and probably spend the night. Chris hollows out a Nerf football to have sex with. While Helen is away, Don hires an escort. Helen hooks up with Dennis Haysbert at a bar…she’s in very good hands with Allstate. Don awkwardly talks about work with the escort. She tells him he has a very large penis. He knows that if he did, that would have come up in conversation before.
Kent and Joan go on a second date. She tells Kent about the contest to send Hannah to Hollywood. Apparently Hannah’s dad is a producer there and sends them child support.
Brandy is out with Tim. Patricia is snooping, but her husband asks that she back off and just let Brandy be a normal teenager tonight. Brandy and Tim look at stars and he walks her home. He gives her a kiss.
At school, the other football players are mad that Tim quit the team. He ends up in a fight in the cafeteria and has to see a counselor. The counselor asks him about Guild Wars, but clearly doesn’t know anything about that at all. Tim asks the counselor if he’s heard of the Pale Blue Dot. The counselor prescribes anti-depressants.
Allison puts a cutout of a heart over her crotch and gets into a tanning bed. She wants to show the boy she slept with, but he dismisses her and tells her to text him a picture instead. Allison goes into the bathroom to take a picture, but passes out and collapses on the floor. She’s bleeding. She’s rushed to the hospital where the doctor tells her and her parents that she had an ectopic pregnancy and lost the baby because of how malnourished she is. She asks her dad if he’s angry. He says he needs air and hurries out.
Chris edits Hannah’s video for the reality show competition. She says he’s good at that and when she makes it, he can be her personal editor. She instigates sex, but he has a hard time getting aroused.
Allison texts the boy and tells him that she just had his miscarriage.
Don finds Helen’s AshleyMadison profile.
At school, everyone congratulates Chris on hooking up with Hannah. He asks her why she told everyone. She said that she did it for her reputation and that he should be happy. The alternative is she could have told everyone that he has serious sexual issues and couldn’t get an erection.
Patricia prints out a chat log from Brandy’s computer.
Helen says that she’s going to visit her sister again. Don says that she’s been visiting her a lot lately and asks if he can give her a ride. She says she’s fine and can drive herself.
The producers of the talent show call Joan and tell her that while they really liked Hannah’s video a lot, they have decided to not have her be on the show because they found her website. Joan says that lots of kids post suggestive photos online. That’s not unique. The producer says, “It’s unique to sell them.” Joan tells Kent about the site and he thinks maybe they should slow down. It dawns on her that she’s done something wrong. She tells Hannah that the producers called and they don’t want her to be on the show because of the site. Hannah thinks the producers are wrong, Joan says they’re not, which is why she deleted the site. Hannah freaks and asks, “But what about my fans?” Joan tells her that she’ll support her with acting or dancing, but not with that. It was wrong. Hannah is better than that.
Kent goes home and logs into his son’s Guild Wars account to see first hand what it’s all about.
The boy Allison slept with tells her to meet him at his place at midnight. She texts back that he lives two miles away. He texts, “Yeah, it’s not too far.”
Patricia reads Brandy’s chat log, finds her Tumblr and ransacks her room.
Don shows up at the bar where Helen has her date. He orders a scotch, they make eye contact. She knows he caught her. He leaves. She doesn’t.
Tim goes home from his date with Brandy. Kent deleted his Guild Wars account not only from the computer, but he canceled it from his credit card. He doesn’t like that his “friends” were talking shit about his mom. Tim explains they were just joking and helping him deal with his mom moving on. He says it’s no surprise she left Kent. Kent says, “She left us.” He points out that Tim didn’t exactly get a wedding invitation or anything either. He tells Tim that he let him have a year off, but next year he’s going back to playing football.
Patricia tells Brandy that she deleted everything. Tim texts Brandy asking if she can sneak out because he feels so alone and needs someone there right now. Patricia intercepts the text and writes back, as Brandy, that she’s done with him because she’s bored and that if he ever texts her again, she’ll block him. Tim begins taking the pills the school counselor prescribed.
Brandy escapes and goes to Tim’s house. Patricia finds out that Brandy is gone and goes after her. Brandy gets to Tim’s in time to find him passed out on the floor. She and Kent rush him to he hospital. Patricia passes the ambulance while searching for Brandy. She also passes Allison walking to the boy’s house.
Allison gets to the boy’s house. It’s dark, so she throws a rock through his window.
Patricia gets to the hospital and sees Brandy by Tim’s bedside. She cries.
The next morning, Don is making eggs. Helen comes home. He asks her what she’d like in her eggs. She asks that they talk about things. He tells her that she made some mistakes and so did he. They can either talk about it and put images in each other’s heads that will never go away or she can tell him what she wants in her eggs.
The Voyager takes a picture of Earth. It’s a pale blue dot.